UnMasked: All You Need is Love

Note: Christina Pikla shared her news with me last year and she and Rachael were excited to be interviewed for this piece. They have approved the final version. I am grateful to them for allowing me to share their story.

This is a love story about two cisgender women who got married. To each other.

When Christina Pikla, Director of Financial Aid at Trinity, received The Presidential Award for Excellence in Student Advocacy in the spring of 2020, the reaction among those who know her was unanimous. Of course!

Christina graduated from Trinity University in 2004 and is in her 15th year here. She moved from Financial Aid counselor, to assistant director, to associate director, and now director. People in the Financial Aid world deal with numbers, scholarship packaging, governmental regulations and audits, the FAFSA form, appeals, and data. And those are the fun parts. Christina had to earn a Master's degree in Higher Education administration for the privilege of more responsibility. None of this is why she won the advocacy award.

What Christina brings to her role is humanity. When asked about her philosophy on working with students and families she quickly related that it is "to ensure that the other party has voice, to respond to the true need of the student, the family, and the community."  In a word, it's called empathy. Countless times I have walked students to Christina's office, interrupted her mind-numbing work, and introduced a student in need of guidance and support. Christina looks these students in their eyes, tells them she cares, and says "let's see what we've got."

Many times she let's the student know that this space is a safe one. No stranger to anxiety herself, Christina takes a personal approach, "willingness to share pieces of yourself," she calls it. It is a process of vulnerability, trying to reduce her authority by unmasking herself as real, accessible, and approachable. Christina has to follow the guidelines, but with her knowledge of the nuances of the system, she can provide options and guides people through their needs and the possibilities for assistance.

Rachael Fournier most recently worked at UT-Arlington as the Director of Scholarships. "The wild west of financial aid" is what she calls it. She is an award-winner too. And she holds a Master's degree in Business Leadership and Management. She won the Trailblazer Award in her professional association in 2018. She is currently working toward certification in a program called Green Belt. This field is one that emphasizes the costs of current practices versus possible savings in financial and employee capital by improving systems. Ultimately organizations pay one way or another for inefficiencies. Companies and institutions need to "look at what they should do, but not what they have always done or held onto." 

Her personal story is even more compelling. She is the oldest of nine and early on, was forced to serve, essentially, as the responsible parent for six of her siblings, one who tragically passed away. She moved 37 times in her life, growing up in California in a dangerous Los Angeles neighborhood as well as  Mexico. She has some of her own anxiety. "I'm more nervous facing a crowd than a weapon" she quips. 

Christina and Rachael met in 2016 in Frisco, Texas, at the Texas Association of Student Financial Aid Administrators (TASFAA) annual conference. On the list of notable goals of TASFAA, serving as a dating platform is not on the list. Christina hurried into a room that had just cleared out following a mixer, hoping to find something to eat from a leftover food platter. Rachael, only Rachael, was in the room. They had an awkward exchange because they thought the might have met but weren't really sure. Christina decided to eat and run.

Both volunteered on different committees for the association and their paths started to cross more, including at the San Antonio meeting and most significantly at the 2018 meeting in Galveston. Something was there. But what it was, neither knew.

When Christina stood at the podium to make remarks to the audience of 300 her eyes met Rachael, sitting, intentionally, front and center. And Christina rambled on, forgetting to tell the crowd her name. Rachael says that something had been building for two years, though she didn't know what. She got her answer in that session. When their eyes met, they both felt an extreme transfer of energy - nothing physical or sexual - something deeper. A "flicker" says Rachael. When Rachael received her award Christina hugged her. Rachael thought "This is it. We're touching. But this will be the end of it." One thing Rachael knew, was that she wanted to get to know Christina better.

Their friendship and relationship grew from that point forward. They started emailing and talking frequently, including what the called "Reclaiming Mondays." Hour-long discussions grew into four and six hour conversations.

Christina was engaged to a man in 2011 and broke it off. She threw herself into her work. She had started seeing another man before her relationship with Rachael began to blossom. Rachael didn't think much about dating (though she had dated some men) and had resigned herself to being single. Her past, her work, her energy didn't really accommodate another person.

Both of these women separately began dealing with their feelings toward one another. Christina knew that her connection to Rachael was deeper than any connection she had felt with anyone else before, including men. What followed was the typical wooing dance couples do when they first start to express their feelings and begin dating. Only this courtship had an added, new, scary, and exciting dimension. And it all unfolded long-distance during a pandemic. As Christina once described her ideal partner - her non-negotiables - Rachael said "so you basically are looking for a male version of me." Uh-oh. Christina had processing to do: "Do I like Rachael?"

In a subsequent conversation Christina finally laid it out their. "You're the only woman I would ever marry." Rachael fumbled to offer a response, and finally said "me too."

These are complex things and yet so simple. It depends on the person. Friendship can lead to love and love can lead to intimacy. And Rachael did her research. She wanted to read up on what was happening here, with them. Here is what they are focused on. They say that they have "soul recognition." Indeed, they beautifully express that they were "cut from the same cloth at creation." One was from the east coast, the other the west, and they met somewhere in the middle. They had their first real date in May, 2019. They got married on January 4, 2020 and Rachael moved to San Antonio that March. They still have not had a honeymoon, though it seems safe to say they have been having one for years.

The moral of the story should be self-evident. In a world that is increasingly attuned to sexuality and gender, people have agency over their own identities, without constraint. Who they choose to be with and how they navigate their relationships is personal. Christina and Rachael are the ideal parable. All you need is love.

Don't Let Us Get Sick

Happy new academic year to the Trinity University community! The lyrics to this Warren Zevon song seem particularly appropriate this year. Here is the song.

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

The sky was on fire
When I walked to the mill
To take up the slack in the line
I thought of my friends
And the troubles they've had
To keep me from thinking of mine

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

The moon has a face
And it smiles on the lake
And causes the ripples in Time
I'm lucky to be here
With someone I like
Who maketh my spirit to shine

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

Source: LyricFind

Songwriter: Warren William Zevon, Warren Zevon, Zevon Music BMI

Don't Let Us Get Sick lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Blowin' in the Wind

Waxing poetic.

Editor's Note: Many thanks to Bruce Bravo for agreeing to let me share his story. I am grateful for his candor, vulnerability, and friendship.

Friend and colleague Bruce Bravo eschews the term "death," at least when talking about his wife and son. He never really thought about it, and doesn't know why. "Passed," "lost," "went to heaven," are naturally, more palatable. But also, not as permanent sounding -- or as fatalistic. This makes sense for the affable eternal optimist.

You wouldn't blame him for being otherwise. Consider that he lost his ten-year-old son 17 years ago, his youngest brother shortly thereafter, his wife just months ago, and his dad just before that. When Bruce Bravo needs people the most, the 64-year-old Cajun can't be near them because of this pandemic. But for us, we need stories like his to give us perspective and lessons in true grit.

When his wife, Elvira got sick around Memorial Day in 2017 and was diagnosed with cancer thereafter, she and Bruce had the same thought: "Not again." They had traveled this road before when in 2001 their son Evan was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Mother and son, as with many cancer patients, followed similar paths: Diagnoses, surgeries, treatment, recurrence, quests for alternative treatments, steps forward, steps back, bad news, more bad news, and death. Similarly: Shock, fear, fight, hope, acceptance, frustration, anger, and grief.

When Evan was told by his doctor that there was nothing more that could be done, he asked his parents to take a trip to the beach. On the way they stopped at the Crazy Cajun Restaurant, so Evan could have his favorite fried shrimp. When met with the sign that said "no fried shrimp today," he told his parents that's just the way it is. He would be gone three weeks later, but he told his parents this beach trip had been the best ever. Likewise, when Elvira received her diagnosis she and Bruce went out for Mexican food as planned. Just the way it is.

When Bruce talks about losing two of the most important people in his life he uses the term "smothering" as an adjective when discussing the sadness surrounding his losses. He met Elvira when he was working as a Food Service Director in Wichita Falls, Texas when she came in as a customer. She caught his eye but she was dismissive at first. She came in with her mother one day and Bruce told her "I'm going to marry your daughter." He was the only one who believed it. But he did.

Elvira would work a number of jobs throughout their marriage. After they lost Evan she retreated into her grief for months and then began working at a residential treatment center she had learned about from a friend she met during Evan's illness. She would further her education and dedicate herself to children and teens at risk and spit out by the foster care system. She was beloved for her compassion and quiet resolve.

Evan was quirky, funny, and athletic. He was diagnosed just as the family moved to San Antonio where Bruce would work in campus food service at various locations across the city. He passed away at home. His dad would return to work almost immediately. While Elvira retreated, Bruce threw himself into his job. He did it again when she passed away last fall. After working food service, including a successful stint as the Director of Campus Dining at Trinity, Bruce would eventually end up working for Trinity and ultimately become the Senior Director for Conferences and Special Programs. In that role he manages major campus speakers and the day after he lost Elvira he was on campus working to pull off a major program. People couldn't tell when he teared up behind his glasses while bustling around Laurie Auditorium, working his grief.

Bruce Bravo is one of the best sports you will ever meet (shout out to TUPD chief Pete Perez who endures the steady diet of doughnut jokes at my hands). I have made fun of Bruce, or "Bravo Sua-vay" as I call him for his meandering musings when he "waxes poetic" on any number of subjects. He puts up with jibes, never takes himself too seriously, has an enthusiastic laugh, and is warm, sincere, super good-natured, and focuses on others. One would never know the grief he has and does endure. Even I forget, recently in a Zoom call mocking his photo, asking "what grade were you in?" when that picture was taken. I should know better, and filming him in HEB covertly as he shopped with a mask, one glove, and fogged glasses shows how much I act like everything is the same. I just can't not give him grief, ironically. 

It's not an act. The thing about getting sick and about grieving, is that there is no strong or weak. People just get along the best they can, anyway they can. You can orchestrate your feelings or how you cope in front of others to an extent and for a while. But as Bruce well knows and says, it will catch up to you.

At Elvira's wake, Bruce was comforted by his beloved daughters Monique (29) and Latina (28) as well as his siblings. He talks to his brothers by phone daily. His group of friends, some going back to elementary school is a group made up of nine men of various professions. I was there when they descended on the funeral home and swallowed Bruce up not so much by love but mischief. It was as much fraternity party as memorial as they smothered Bruce with the friendship, goofiness, and comfort that he needed.

All of this matters. Bruce is surrounded by lots of people to support him. He spent the holidays with his family in New Orleans and they exhausted him with activity. He had trips planned with some of them early this spring, all of which got cancelled. Before that he got to spend some much-needed time alone as well, though an annual retreat was scrubbed because of the pandemic. This included a camping trip that featured long, private reflective hikes at a favorite place of his and Elvira's. It was on one of his hikes, there, that out of nowhere a dust devil blew up before him while everything else was still in that moment, he felt a presence as the wind moved in front of him. A sign? He doesn't know.

He does know that his son Evan said that he knew that God was with him during his illness as he could feel his presence as a warm wind that enveloped him. Perhaps this is why he was at peace, worrying mostly about how his parents would handle what was to come.

How many deaths will it take? How much can one person endure? It's hard to imagine losing a child. Excruciating. Smothering. It's hard to imagine losing your partner and best friend of over a quarter of a century. 

If you were to see Bruce on campus at work before his wife died you would never have guessed the pain in his life from his losses. He was the same after. That's the way it is with him. He teaches us a lot about perspective and resilience. And while the phrase "uncertain times" swirls around us until it means almost nothing, one thing is certain: We don't need to look for answers impossible to find. We have a path that Bruce Bravo has shown us. If he can survive, so can we. We just need to keep our heads up, smell the air, and move forward. Into the wind.


If you are moved by Bruce's story you might appreciate these posts on colleagues Jennifer Reese, Jimmy Roberts, and Rick Roberts.

Home Work and Staying Sane

When I became an RA (House Fellow) in the early 1980s I had my first foray into working where I lived. Back then, it was a dorm room. Now, it is a nice campus residence on Oakmont Court as a perk of being the Dean of Students. In all of those intervening years I have learned a thing or two about living where I work. I write this post for my many colleagues who are now working where they live.

1. There is no one way or one right way to do this.
This first period of adjustment provides opportunities to experiment with different approaches. The truth is that employers want employees to maintain productivity and serve their students/clients/customers/colleagues. How it happens is less of an issue than just making it happen.

2. Live a life with balance and boundaries.
There is no shortage of advice on-line from experts: get up at a regular time, dress up a little, segregate work and play, have a space at home that can be for work and the rest is for play. We tell this to our students too: Study at the library or CSI and use your residence hall room, with all its distractions, for down time. This is a great idea, until you get sleepy, or hungry, or distracted, or the dog wants to play poker. The other option...

3. Embrace the integrated life.
Accept it, right? You will sometimes be working weekends or at night, or peruse emails with your first cup of coffee and a smoke (oh wait, different era). The upside to this is flexibility. Take a longer lunch to exercise, cook dinner, or organize that out of control spice rack (shape, size, then alpha - just sayin'). You can be good at work and be good at home life. You can wear your wife's pink bathroom and no one will care, except maybe her. The downside is that you don't know where work you and home you begin and end.

4. Be strategic managing young kids.

When my sons were little and we were really broke my wife did freelance writing. This was in the era between typewriters and Macs (she suuuper old). She recently recounted sitting in the bathtub talking on the phone (long cord) to do interviews while cuing up Barney tapes for the boys to distract them. That went well. Today, employees are dealing with kids at home during work hours and sometimes doing so while they are doing remote learning. There is no easy answer here. Between just giving up and working in the bath tub there are some things you can try. There are Zoom meetings that you have to be part of. But there are lots of other hours in the day. Try doing what you HAVE to do when you have to and be flexible with the rest of your time later at night, or early in the morning - whenever the kids are sleeping, hungover, or watching cartoons. This is REALLY hard. But you have to have a plan to get the work done, however you do it (see number 1).

5. Don't judge yourself or let yourself be judged.
Feeling pressure to be productive for work? Feeling the need to produce and care for the family? Experiencing crushing self-doubt about your value? STOP. We all suck. (Got ya.) Listen, you have enough to do without being hard on yourself. Act like you are a millennial. I sometimes go in late in the morning because I have had night time commitments the previous day. I used to want to shout to people "I WAS AT STUDENT GOVERNMENT TILL 10PM LAST NIGHT." I had to get over it. I knew what value I was adding and let it go. You should too! I have had great bosses over the years who knew what I was doing. Want to get them on your side? Tell them your approach. They will appreciate knowing.

I'm sure there are many more pointers out there that I am missing. In these different and most remote of times, do your best, go easy on yourself, and live your values through your priorities. Now get back to work. Those reports won't write themselves. Or maybe just fold the laundry.

Living in the Future - the Covid 19

I like to describe the work in Student Life as dealing with gravity, levity, and absurdity. We are certainly in grave times and the images we see on the daily news are absurd, to be sure. Here are some random things (19 to be exact) on the lighter side to offer a bit of a break from our new reality.

1. Sometimes I go to the grocery store, not because I need anything, but because I might need something. Plus I miss sports. It's as close as we get.

2. I keep getting emails from companies I have never heard of offering services I don't understand telling me that a) They are still operating during these uncertain times b) that they are taking care of their workers and c) that there may be a delay in services.

3. In these times of high alert, it should now be a crime to use the phrase "an abundance of caution," courtesy of Donna Tuttle.

4. When I go back to the office someday my dog is going to be pissed. Or will she be?

5. The term "Mild Symptoms" seems kind of boastful. "Yes, I have it, but it is okay, I am hearty." This reminds me of people from New York City who tell you they have seen a murder to convey to you how tough it is there while being vulnerable at the same time.

6. There has to be a Sanjay Gupta suit at CNN that people wear. Has to.

7. If you have spent any time in Zoom meetings you will love this, courtesy of Professor Aaron Delwiche.

8. What if this disease was spread by excessive hand-washing? Yeah. Who's the idiot now?

9. There are not enough kudos to go around right now at Trinity. The University's people have stepped up bigly. This includes the administration, faculty, staff, students, parents, alumni, and vendors. It also includes various departments and too many individuals to start mentioning. Trinity has revealed its character.

10. I have learned that half of the decisions we make in crises are about doing the right thing and the other half is to try to minimize the criticism we will face for doing so.

11. If worse comes to worse I can now last months on a concoction of tomato sauce, beans, and paper towels. Yum! I may need protection.

12. "I'm practicing social distancing" is the new "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

13. Dr. Fauci. Who knew? Look for Fauci masks Halloween 2020.

14. I have gone back to brewing pots of coffee instead of using the Keurig machine in order to save the planet from all of those plastic pods. #environmentalist #silverlining

15. Here is an account of most people's days from the New Yorker, courtesy of Coleen Grissom.

16. If Sanjay Gupta DID get the virus I would be okay with him saying he has Mild Symptoms.

17. I have thought about reading a book. I won't. But I am proud of myself for the thought.

18. I am soooo over that graphic of the disease molecule that looks like someone put seahorses in a blender.

19. One thing you can count on... is that if civilization is on the precipice of extinction the Olmos Park Police will still be issuing traffic tickets.

#YouToo

It takes a lot of work, energy, reflection, training, and continuing education to craft and execute an effective process to investigate and adjudicate complaints about sexual harassment, sexual assault, and a range of what we call Title IX offenses. It is much easier to be critical of these processes. After the Dear Colleague Letter was released by the Department of Education in 2011, sexual assault survivors were emboldened to come forward and challenge their campuses to do better. Colleges were supposed to manage these complaints effectively before then, but many were not doing so sufficiently, so the Department of Education clearly spelled out expectations. At their core, Universities were being told that sexual assault was the most egregious form of gender discrimination. These students were often left to navigate an impossible learning and social environment before, during, and after reporting a grievance.

At Trinity University, we looked at our hearing model and made a seismic shift. The traditional hearing model pits one student against another in a hearing in front of a panel where sensitive and intrusive questions are posed as facts are gathered and credibility is weighed. This can be extremely traumatizing. We switched our model to an investigative process in 2014. Under this model, we have about 25 trained faculty and staff members who serve in different roles in investigations. Each student is appointed a process advisor, there are two appointed investigators, and two others serve, with a student from the Student Conduct Panel, as a hearing panel. (This is our administrative process. The criminal process is handled by TUPD.) The new model shifts the perception of a University-influenced format to one that is represented from an array of members from our campus community.

Certain values are reflected in our process. First, students are only asked to share their accounts once in the investigative interview. Second, the idea is to collect all of the information, have it reviewed by all parties, and prepare a summary report with recommendations. The work is front-loaded and not done in a hearing setting that mirrors a trial. Third, the hearing places the investigators on the hot seat, where the panel asks them to clarify their conclusions and recommendations, mostly eliminating the adversarial hearing model previously used. Fourth, the process is evidence based. While there is always some level of credibility assessment, investigators are trained that it isn't what they think, or feel, but what they know as they draw their conclusions.

Additionally the process is designed to be fair, transparent, and compassionate. Students may include support persons (friends or parents), attorneys, and their process advisors. There are no "got ya" moments, and there is acknowledgement that reporting and responding students each face certain levels of trauma for very different reasons. Reporting students worry that they won't be believed. Responding students worry that they are assumed guilty because of the sexual politics around sexual assault on campus. And in the end, while we want students and their families to assess the process for how it is conducted, many, naturally, assess the process based on the outcome. It is not uncommon that those who agree with the outcome typically find the process, while not easy, to be quite fair. Those who disagree feel less positive. But those who experience it, more and more, understand how decisions are made. We coach students that the outcome doesn't affirm nor invalidate what has happened. The outcome is really about whether or not there is sufficient evidence that a violation took place, or not. There is more, and policies and procedures are available on-line. Campuses, including ours, have a duty to constantly review policies and procedures as well as campus climate. This is evolving and not static.

After The Dear Colleague Letter (now rescinded), it didn't take long before accused students felt their rights were being trampled. In some cases they were. So there was a backlash. This was seen in the new guidelines issued under the current administration through Betsy DeVos, somewhat of a departure from the Obama-Biden era that categorized assault as gender discrimination.The pendulum swung.

While all of these things were making the news and exploding, it was entertainers and politicians that were lobbing grenades at campuses for their "kangaroo courts". Outsiders had simplistic views of these complex issues. First, they would say that the police, not universities, should handle cases. That is absurd because the legal process and criminal standard is so high that it would basically say survivors had no chance to continue their education in a non-discriminatory environment. The administrative process is about rules. Campuses wouldn't allow a physical assault, peddling drugs, and hazing - all illegal acts. Second, the popular notion that schools were sweeping things under the rug was ridiculous in the era of social media. If schools were doing this, they were horrible at it.

And then... Harvey Weinstein happened. Bill Cosby happened. Matt Lauer happened, Al Franken and Roy Moore happened. And the genital-grabbing President of the United States happened. The dishonor roll is LONG and growing. So while Claire McKaskill and others were rooting out problems on campuses, which by-and-large, were developing fair and sensitive processes, the people in government and entertainment were the worst unchecked offenders. Thank goodness for the #MeToo movement for revealing not only their boorish behavior of many men but for throwing open the door on the hypocrisy of those who made colleges the scapegoats of sexual crimes and an overly sexualized culture.

Now, the Brett Kavanaugh case reveals even further double standards. While the new DeVos rules require charge letters, extend investigation times, and hint at a higher standard of evidence, our government ignores the same guidelines and works to schedule a congressional hearing, with no clear procedures, and that likely will re-traumatize the accuser in the most public of settings, and tramples the rights of the accused, regardless of what position one takes on this. The government can't even follow the basic tenets they are proscribing to others. Christine Blasey-Ford is right to wants a proper investigation before she is hauled out in front of the nation to be interrogated in televised partisan hearing. 

The people with power and influence in national tone-setting, in Washington and Hollywood, have passed judgment on colleges and their students and bemoaned a broken system. Many of these people, in their glass houses, create the laws and a culture that deposits sexual discrimination at the doorstep of our universities. Given their horrific behavior, their audacity to criticize colleges, when at the same time their own houses are in disarray, is troubling and two-faced. Perhaps they should stop preaching and try listening and learning. Though we are imperfect, to be sure, taking lessons from American campuses may be a good place for them to start.