Parent Article: The ONE thing your student needs to know in order to succeed

As parents send their children off to college, there can be so many things to get done, logistics to plan, packing to do, and emotions to manage. As a father, who sent four kids off to college, and as a former Dean of Students, I have some experience with this. I’m not ashamed to say that I bawled like a baby when I said goodbye to each child. I was super sad, and worse, based on my experience, I think I simply knew too much for my own good.

Certainly, you have rehearsed and maybe even delivered your farewell spiel. Get good grades, stay in touch, be safe, and don’t run through all of your (our?) money in the first month. When I was dean, I used to send parents a list of uncomfortable and scary things to discuss with their students. This wasn’t to make them go through what I was going through, but more to try to nudge parents to talk about substantive topics that could have significant impacts on their student’s success.

These topics included alcohol, drugs, sexual safety, hazing, mental health, college rules, personal safety, and more. To take it further, we would lead discussions on these topics early in our new student orientation program.

Will students, who have a sense of invincibility combined with newfound freedom listen to parents or college administrators? Some may. Many won’t. If you haven’t discussed these things, it is not too late. If you have, then it is okay to check in once in a while with reminders and to ask your student about challenges and difficult positions they have been in. You can talk through these things and discuss lessons learned, ways to manage issues in the future or avoid these situations altogether.

Here is a way for you to explicitly set priorities with your students: Health and safety comes first, academics second, and social life comes third. I have seen students in life-threatening situations and placed in challenging situations because of difficult housing situations, social complications, academic challenges, and unanticipated hardships from organization, club, and team involvement.

The number one skill students need to survive – and thrive – is assertiveness. It can impact everything.

Let’s start with roommate situations. I can’t tell you how many times I witnessed students let their roommates walk all over them. This could be that the roommate was sloppy or constantly had a boyfriend/girlfriend (usually boyfriend) stay over. In fact, sometimes it would seem like there was a third roommate who moved in. Often, students do not want to be the “uncool” ones who put down their foot and said “enough is enough.” This almost always ends poorly. Eventually, there is a pivotal moment during a high-stress time when there is a blow-up, parents get involved, housing staff is pulled in, and things end up uncool anyways.

More seriously, students can feel pressure to use alcohol or drugs to fit in and to live the college lifestyle they think they should experience. While this is normal, to an extent, partaking in order to be perceived a certain way can lead to over-consumption, risks of alcohol-poisoning, or worse.

Further, many sexual interactions can be clouded by alcohol. What is more, assertive communication is critical when students start to hook-up. Direct, assertive, and firm statements can sometimes deter someone who is coercive and doesn’t understand the concept of consent.

And on and on it goes: Cheating on a class project; hazing others; avoiding asking a professor to review an erroneously assigned grade… All of these situations may require assertiveness.

How do you coach this? First and foremost, this can be an issue of self-esteem. In so many ways our students are programmed to stand up for social issues and against authority. Often, thought, this is because there are other students rallying behind a cause. In very personal situations students are on their own. Their feelings of self-worth need to be strong. Logic needs to trump emotion.

They pay the same room rate, they control their sexual sovereignty, and they don’t want to lose control because of substance use. Encourage them to trust that inner voice that says not to get into a car with a tipsy driver or let that stranger take them home.

Second, and you and I know this, looking cool and not making waves is a mirage. In the end, other students respect those who are independent-minded, look out for themselves, and take care of others. I used to encourage students unhappy with their dining hall meals to tell a manager. They would rather die. It is so much safer (and less effective) to take to social media to complain. Those who don’t apologize for appropriately advocating for themselves carry a certain panache and aura over time that serves them and others well. Talk with your student about situations in the past where they were or were not assertive and use hindsight to discuss alternatives. Ask them about others who they have seen be assertive, or shrinking, and discuss how those situations played out and may have ended differently. This is really hard. In the Instagram age the way one is perceived is so important. Not being awkward is a real thing. So, it takes pre-planning for someone to put their line in the sand.

Third, it isn’t that complicated. It is more mindset than skillset. If you want to give some simple steps, consider these. One, coach your student to simply state how they feel. This can be that they are unhappy or uncomfortable with a situation. Two, they just need to say that the situation is not acceptable to them. Finally, they need to state options or acceptable resolutions. For example, consider this. At a restaurant: Excuse me, this is cold. I can’t eat it. Can you please warm it up or get me another entrée. For a student: I feel like you are pressuring me. I won’t get in the vehicle with you. I am going to go get my friend.

Finally, urge your students to use the best coaches they have when they are feeling uneasy: Their parents and mentors. Open communication about issues of substance is an important channel for students to pursue when they are struggling. You want them to have agency and make their own decisions, but having grown-ups reinforce how the world works can be extremely meaningful. Be explicit and use the term assertiveness explicitly.

Part of college is learning to be independent and to develop self-efficacy. They will need such skills for the rest of their lives. This is a great time to start.