Parent Post: Rhythm of the First Semester and What to Expect Now what? After all of the applications, tours, decisions, packing, unloading, and last minute (if not outdated) parental advice, your students are on their own. As someone who sent four kids off to college and served as a campus administrator over several decades, I know there is a rhythm to the first semester. Certainly, there is a four-year cadence as well, but for first-time parents of new students, the fall term can be the one of greatest transition and growth: For everyone! Uneasiness and anxiety You can probably tell looking in their eyes. Pulling up to the residence hall, meeting other students… Your kid is feeling the pressure. How does the meal plan work? Where are my classes? Am I a nerd? Is my roommate a nerd? What if there is no one to eat with or hang out with. For most, these things will quickly pass. For some though, especially introverts, this can be a very stressful time and it may last awhile until they get further into the semester. The best thing you can do as a parent is to check-in, be available, and listen. When your child is sad, you probably are too. This will pass, in most cases. The best campus resource is the Resident Assistant. Nudge your student to talk to them and lean on them for support. Euphoria I was always struck by the amount of energy in the first few days of the semester. It probably helps that there are often no classes just yet. Students often are drawn in by these new, exciting, diverse, and dynamic people. They have a lot in common – that they want to be at college, in particular, this college. They want to put their best feet forward and meet lots of different people. This is why people say college is the best years of your life. Additionally, students have so many ways to connect over social media prior to moving to campus that there is a comfort level already among many of them. The truth is, many of these happy and social students are doing what we do when thrust into new and uncomfortable situations: they’re faking it. This is a handy survival skill. They may be latching onto the first people they meet, especially in the residence halls. But the first friends are not always the last ones – or even the ones that are there by the holidays. What is more, how often do we get chances to reinvent ourselves? Maybe when we move, find a new relationship, or start a new job. College students, in many cases, have gone through the brutal and awkward years of high school. Now they can shed the yoke of their reputations, make changes, and start fresh. At least for a while. Freedom Students can stay out late and sleep in, not clean their rooms, and don’t have to do chores that are certainly beneath them. Such things are appropriately reserved for, well, you. Think about this. Students are on their own. They are meeting new people. They are becoming new people. And those things that gave them anxiety – they have mastered those things. Their freedom is creating confidence as they manage their decisions and emotions. You may notice over the holidays, that your adolescent is blossoming into a confident adult. Hurdle one – Homesickness At some point, most students will face a bout of homesickness. At least that’s what parents secretly hope! The euphoria fades and with freedom comes accountability. Often, something minor will happen. Maybe their roommate or friend didn’t invite them to breakfast. Or perhaps they saw all their friends at a different school on Instagram supposedly having a great time. This is Fear of Missing Out. These things can quickly topple any bravado built up in the first few days and weeks. And maybe sustaining the reinvention proves exhausting and inauthentic. What if they are who their reputations say they are? And maybe, just maybe, parents, siblings, and the family home provide some real comfort. Expect the call. The one where they say they don’t fit in. They want to see you. Or more so, they want to see the dog. This is normal. Listen a lot, knowing that after the call they may end up going out and having fun while you are tossing and turning with worry. If this homesickness is sustained, have them home for a visit or go see them if resources and time allow. Some parents set an arbitrary rule that their kids can’t come home until Thanksgiving. That seems more punitive than productive. Sometimes just having the visit early on can help get them through and understand that their new lives can co-exist with their old ones. Fall Family Weekend Many schools put on weekend programs during the first month or two for parents, mostly targeted at parents of new students. If your school offers this, and you can attend, it can be fun and reassuring. There are often campus programs that take place and if you like this type of engagement, definitely attend to learn what is happening on campus. Your student mostly wants to see you, show you off, have some meals, and maybe come away with a little cash. Whether a structured family weekend or a random early fall visit, it is nice to take your students and some friends out for a meal, just make sure you get a family-only meal scheduled at some point. You can learn a lot from the friends that your student has found at this point. Mostly, you can gauge that they are happy and fitting in. Don’t be surprised if the group is made up of various genders. College breaks down these barriers more than high school. Finally, let your student show you around campus with their new eyes. You can see where they go to class, study, and hang-out. Our son gave us a tour of the recreation facility he worked at. He took great pride in showing us how his key worked. Thing is, this display in the obvious made us proud too. Hurdle two – Grades College is hard. Professors love their disciplines and know a lot. Many of them can’t fathom that their students don’t feel the same. Students may be checking off requirements, but the faculty is committed to teaching and learning. And they want to entice students into their majors. Students will read and write more in the first semester than they did in one or two years of high school. Also, the other students also want to be there, and are the brightest of the bright. So, it is hard, and competitive, and students can’t get by on talent alone. The first subpar grade on a test or paper can easily create doubts, if not imposter syndrome tailspins. Some students aren’t used to seeing so much red on their written assignments and it can be very humbling. Know that most instructors are fully aware of this. They are laying the groundwork of expectations of the quality of work that is expected in college. For you, maybe temper expectations about first grades, including for the whole first semester. Students will learn what they need to do to succeed and you will often see a bump in the second term. Get used to being shut out Instructors don’t give as much graded work except in languages and STEM (science and math). This makes it difficult for students to assess their progress and even more difficult to report it to you. They may have two or three papers and a few tests. What instructors want to see is that the students are engaged. Urge your student to attend class, participate in discussion, and turn in their work. The grades will follow. Professors love it, too, when students go to their office hours. Professors will likely not communicate with you if you reach out. The faculty treats students as adults and simply don’t want to engage. Institutions are similar and if you reach put they will want to know if your student has filled out a FERPA release for (usually available on their website). Even then, many want to keep parents at arms-length the way the professors do. You should stress that you don’t want to know about educational records, but want to discuss how your child is doing, if that is the case. And you can always just talk and share your concerns and hope they act on them. Finally, your student may also shut you out. They have gotten the message they are adults, so they want to handle things. That is what you want. But sometimes, you need them to rise to your expectations. And don’t forget, you probably have leverage. Don’t be afraid of your student. One of my kids told me he felt like I was micro-managing him. I told him I could micro-manage his tail back home, since we were paying the bill. Things somehow worked out! Weed-out classes and registration Schools say they don’t have weed-out classes. But many students who are in the pre-med track learn that the rigor of Chemistry, Calculus, and Biology is simply too challenging. In effect, if the student switches majors, they have weeded themselves out. That is normal. Sometimes it is best to drop some of these classes by the deadline if they will have severe negative impacts on the grade point average. And maybe it is time to look at different majors. About two-thirds of the way through the fall, students will register for the next set of classes. This is stressful. Class seats were set aside for them in the fall. Now, they are in with the general population, and are at the back of the line. Don’t be surprised if you get a call that they have a crummy schedule. Direct them to their advisor or Registrars Office about how to navigate waitlists or find other classes that will fulfill requirements. And knocking out some electives isn’t a bad thing. Many a student has taken a class in something they would have never considered only to find a passion area as a major. The main thing is to make sure highly sequences courses are completed so the student’s graduation schedule isn’t thrown off kilter. The holidays For many families, this is the first time your students are home and present with extended family. They will want to sleep and see their old friends. Your student is probably long-term tired after being “on” for several months. Discuss expectations in advance and let them know when they need to be with family. And be prepared for them to have new perspectives and maybe want to stand up to relatives who say things that may draw a visceral reaction. This is your new, educated, emerging adult! The end of the first term The first thing on everyone’s minds is how grades turned out. If your student is in the average to above range see this as a win. Discuss what they will do differently in the next term and ask about scheduled classes. Let them regroup academically and emotionally. If the grades are subpar, it may be time to dig deeper and possibly reach out to the advisor or academic support people. By the time students are going back to school they will be ready and you probably will be too. They may say they are going home. Don’t take it personally. They want to get back to their freedom and new friends and start fresh on this next lap. And they will likely be sad to leave you as well. But you will all have less stress than you had the first time. Everyone is getting the hang of this!