Conversation starters I recently had a great conversation with my daughter when she came home from college for a visit. I tried this new craze among parents, often referred to as “listening.” This can be hard as a parent. If you are anything like me, and I hope you are not, it is much easier to unburden yourself by passing your parental to-do list to your student: Register for classes, find a place to live next year, get a summer job, get good grades, get an internship, and most importantly, clean your room. You only get one shot sometimes as they head out the door. As you prepare for your student to be home for the summer, even if it is just a little while, consider making your to-do list things that matter more to them. When I listened to my daughter, I found that this teenager was actually growing, slowly but surely, into a self-actualized adult. It was good for her, and better for me. The best way to do this is to ask a handful of meaningful questions. Doing this over a meal at a restaurant is a good idea. They can’t escape, and a meal has a cadence that you can use to your advantage! You will find that this will be less like an interview and more like a conversation as the more they say, the more you will want to follow-up on. “What have you learned in your classes?” There can be many variations of this. What was your favorite class? Who was your favorite instructor? What was the most impactful? I like knowing how they feel about what they learned. Their formal education is the commodity that you, and others, are paying for. And you can tell from the twinkle in their eye the things that get them excited and are leading to new passions. “What are you learning from activities, and are they fun?” Both of these things matter. My daughter has an internship, and she loves it. It isn’t just the tasks she loves. She loves that the people there have given her opportunities as she has gained their trust. What is more, she has learned that not all supervisors and co-workers are created equal. She now knows that people can manage with flexibility, compassion, and maturity – things that were new to her. Whether sports, music, drama, clubs, internships, or work, find out what your student is learning outside of the classroom and how they feel about it. This will give you a glimpse into those areas that will truly impact their experiences. And you may want to explore how they feel about their role, either as follower, team member, or leader. These will be life lessons. And if they are doing something JUST for their resume, challenge that. This usually is empty for the student and others with whom they are interacting. “Who are the students you are closest to these days?” The first friends are often not the last ones at college. Students often latch onto those they live near or with initially. As they spend more time on campus, they meet others from classes and activities. As they progress, they will find their people, the ones with whom they share passions, interests, and values. And you can learn a lot about how they are socially by asking about who they hang with, what they like about them, and what they do. And they will want to share and probably be surprised that this matters to you. And it should. This can be a terrific window into their hearts. “How do you think people see you and what feedback have you gotten?” This might make them a little vulnerable, but it can be incredibly meaningful. Of course, you need to reinforce that how they are and how they perceive themselves matters most. But you can learn a lot, and it helps them to reflect on themselves, if you ask about this. It can be reassuring for them to articulate that people like to be with them, appreciate their work, call on them in class, assign them more duties, and invite them places. It can also help them to see where maybe they can tweak some things to show they are engaged, get along well with others and can reach their social and relational potential. “How are you different now than you were a year ago?” Hopefully the answer will be “so different.” This is not to say that their core values will have changed. You kind of want them to be how you raised them, right? But in many cases, their values will have grown, and they will see the world with more nuance. This can be the beauty of college and is the somewhat invisible learning that matters as much as the formal and informal. It is surely fertile ground. Beyond their values, they will have evolved in terms of how they see others. They will know what kind of people are real and bring substance – or just plain fun – into their lives. They will learn what inspires them, what they like, and how they want to focus their careers or further education. And they will learn that they can make it on their own. Of course, they need you. But they are becoming independent, confident, and finding meaning in their lives. Lastly, while it would be nice if everything was going well, if you learn that things aren’t all rosy, then you have struck gold as well. How can they get more out of their experiences? Are they in the right major? Can they find other ways to meet people? Can they get to the gym, volunteer, eat better, join a totally different club than they normally would, apply for RA, and take other safe risks? If you can’t help them navigate this, seeing a person on campus or a counselor may help them dig deeper. So, this listening thing... It can help you be a better and more informed parent. It can help your student see you as someone they can talk to about most anything. And don’t worry, you can still tell them to pick up after themselves. There will be plenty of opportunities. Believe me.

Parent Post: Covid Generation Over the winter break I came down with a manageable case of Covid. While concerned for me, my college student -- home for the break -- was more fixated on its impact on her, and her scheduled return to college out-of-town. I found breakfast outside of my quarantine space, less out of love or ambition, I think, but more to keep me at bay. Long texts scolding me for my selfishness whenever I DID venture out were not uncommon – though someone had to walk the dog! (Generation Z students love to give feedback.) Being a parent is hard, not just because of the challenges our students pose, but more so, because of the ones they face. It has become increasingly difficult over the past 10 to 15 years as this generation of students deals with staggering and intensifying mental health issues. Gun violence, racial strife, and political upheaval have exacerbated the crisis. Add the twin threats of the pandemic and climate change, and this is a generation of young people on the brink. For me, the threat of nuclear war in the late Cold War era may be an apt parallel. Unfortunately, recent global events may be resurrecting fears of worldwide conflict as yet another major crisis that will create incredible stress and anxiety for all of us, including our students. I have dealt with these issues as a parent of several college students and as a student life administrator for over three decades. We want to protect, to leave a better world, and ensure the happiness and success of our children. Unfortunately, recent global events may be resurrecting fears of worldwide conflict as yet another major crisis that will create incredible stress and anxiety for all of us, including our students. Various historical events have shaped the experiences of many generations (WWII, the Kennedy assassination, 9/11 – to name a few). For me, the threat of nuclear war in the late Cold War era is an apt parallel. Unquestionably, the current generation of students will one day be considered the Covid Generation. Of course, this cohort of students is technically the aforementioned Generation Z (born 1997-2012, and they make up today’s traditional-aged college students. Most of us have watched as “normal” learning and milestones have been torn from them over a sustained period of time. This pandemic has been tragic on global, national, local, and deeply personal levels. People have died and suffered in horrible and lingering ways. Everyone has been impacted in one way or another: worn a mask, had plans change, quarantined, washed the groceries, and experienced some anxiousness. For my daughter, having any control over her return to campus, as well as not having another experience ripped from her, was understandably a priority. Climate change is no longer a far-off concept of doom and gloom. Its impact is having an effect on day-to-day lives of many on the planet as ice caps melt, sea levels rise, temperatures climb or fall to extremes, and severe weather challenges the eco-system. How will today’s challenges shape their psyches, personalities, and relationships over time? Sociologists, psychologists, researchers, and historians will study this and deliver appropriate answers one day. But we can’t wait that long. So, what can we, as parents understand and do to try to help our students come out of these incredibly challenging and unprecedented global crises? I spoke with Dr. Daniel Lopez, Clinical Psychologist, in San Antonio for this piece, and he offers a glimpse into what our students are dealing with. Helplessness and Hopelessness Dr. Lopez believes the pandemic and climate change are overwhelming young people in extreme ways. “It is a big challenge to not become helpless and hopeless.” “Covid has changed everyone’s experience, younger people in particular” says Lopez, who works a lot with Gen Z. “They are having real challenges, having events and activities postponed, seeing fewer opportunities as companies freeze or delay hiring for their particular skillsets.” Indeed, this generation has lost out on milestones, like graduations, entering college with unbridled optimism knowing that “spikes” can send or keep them home. What is more, “The challenge around climate change and impact on their future is on their minds. Many come in and are concerned about what the future holds. It can make them feel unsteady. For these younger people, it’s much like 9/11, only on grander scale.” Normalcy and Trust Like those who grow up in alcoholic families, today’s students don’t really know what “normal” is. They have been forced to pivot, adapt, and repeat. Additionally, they have experienced an “erosion in trust” according to Dr. Lopez. Young people witnessing a lack of tangible action related to climate change and “the disruption in democracy” may find it difficult to trust those around them, those who are in positions of authority and decision-making. Dr. Lopez also deals with those who are grieving the losses of loved ones to Covid and these losses take on an added dimension. “Beyond loss, there is worry that Covid can infect and take the lives of anyone, anytime. And this reality has added a heightened vulnerability for many.” “Establishing trust in oneself, having confidence can be quite difficult” says Dr. Lopez. “To help those experiencing a crisis of confidence, we sometimes review their past experiences (evidence-based reasoning) to remind them of previous successes encountering and mastering challenges. This process often helps create more certainty and confidence moving forward.” Dr. Lopez notes that the “sense of normalcy is disrupted and unpredictable.” He notes that clients wonder if “this is the new normal.” Moving forward So how does Dr. Lopez work to pull people back from the abyss, and how can we do the same? “It is important to develop mindfulness skills, teaching people to stay present. People sometimes futurize and worry about things well beyond their control. This is often called negative prognostication, and it can immobilize individuals. It is very helpful to encourage a focus on what can be done, today.” Dr. Lopez also works with clients on calming techniques. “Using visualization strategies, such as imagining a calm peaceful place, can help,” he says. “We often develop and rehearse a script for when people start to feel anxious: Breathing, grounding, using their senses…” What can parents do? How will this Covid and Climate generation be defined? Nobody knows. What we can do is try to mitigate some of the emotional devastation by building trust and striving for normalcy. * “People look to their closest relationships and feel support there in very personal ways” notes Dr. Lopez. As family members, striving for consistency, support, and yes, normalcy, can go a long way. Relationships with other young people is really important, too, says Dr. Lopez. “Younger people were already connecting via social media and gaming, and these activities have been of help to many in supporting them through isolation.” * People in general are more vulnerable to their own emotions, says Dr. Lopez. “Because of collective stress, people are shorter with their frustration – as we are seeing on airlines or in reports of road rage. These are symptoms of emotional stress.” Identifying ways to reduce stress, through mindfulness, exercise, and health can be important for day-to-day stability. * Where possible, identify areas where young people can have control. There can be small wins through involvement in social and political movements and larger successes through careers and leadership in government and business. * Acknowledge and discuss the many challenges students are facing. They are thinking about their own futures and the collective and greater good. So, talk about these things with them. Parents and family members should share their own concerns and fears and validate that this is all very real. * This generation is more comfortable with counseling and therapy than those in the past. Encouraging young people to explore their feelings in depth with professionals is really important. * And finally, try to offer hope. “Young people are wondering: Will I have to wear a mask forever? Is this ever going to end?” says Dr. Lopez. Offering hope that things will get better and that we can survive may be the best thing we can offer. For my student, who was packing to return to campus, being able to go back without delay provided consistency, normalcy, and for goodness sakes – a little bit of joy. She and others in this generation has certainly earned that. About the author: David Tuttle spent over 30 years in higher education in Residential Life and Student Affairs and has sent four children to college. He is the proprietor of a student and parent assistance service, PROsper Collegiate, LLC, and may be contacted david@prospercollegiate.com.

Parent Post: Summer Conversation Starters I recently had a great conversation with my daughter when she came home from college for a visit. I tried this new craze among parents, often referred to as “listening.” This can be hard as a parent. If you are anything like me, and I hope you are not, it is much easier to unburden yourself by passing your parental to-do list to your student: Register for classes, find a place to live next year, get a summer job, get good grades, get an internship, and most importantly, clean your room. You only get one shot sometimes as they head out the door. As you prepare for your student to be home for the summer, even if it is just a little while, consider making your to-do list things that matter more to them. When I listened to my daughter, I found that this teenager was actually growing, slowly but surely, into a self-actualized adult. It was good for her, and better for me. The best way to do this is to ask a handful of meaningful questions. Doing this over a meal at a restaurant is a good idea. They can’t escape, and a meal has a cadence that you can use to your advantage! You will find that this will be less like an interview and more like a conversation as the more they say, the more you will want to follow-up on. “What have you learned in your classes?” There can be many variations of this. What was your favorite class? Who was your favorite instructor? What was the most impactful? I like knowing how they feel about what they learned. Their formal education is the commodity that you, and others, are paying for. And you can tell from the twinkle in their eye the things that get them excited and are leading to new passions. “What are you learning from activities, and are they fun?” Both of these things matter. My daughter has an internship, and she loves it. It isn’t just the tasks she loves. She loves that the people there have given her opportunities as she has gained their trust. What is more, she has learned that not all supervisors and co-workers are created equal. She now knows that people can manage with flexibility, compassion, and maturity – things that were new to her. Whether sports, music, drama, clubs, internships, or work, find out what your student is learning outside of the classroom and how they feel about it. This will give you a glimpse into those areas that will truly impact their experiences. And you may want to explore how they feel about their role, either as follower, team member, or leader. These will be life lessons. And if they are doing something JUST for their resume, challenge that. This usually is empty for the student and others with whom they are interacting. “Who are the students you are closest to these days?” The first friends are often not the last ones at college. Students often latch onto those they live near or with initially. As they spend more time on campus, they meet others from classes and activities. As they progress, they will find their people, the ones with whom they share passions, interests, and values. And you can learn a lot about how they are socially by asking about who they hang with, what they like about them, and what they do. And they will want to share and probably be surprised that this matters to you. And it should. This can be a terrific window into their hearts. “How do you think people see you and what feedback have you gotten?” This might make them a little vulnerable, but it can be incredibly meaningful. Of course, you need to reinforce that how they are and how they perceive themselves matters most. But you can learn a lot, and it helps them to reflect on themselves, if you ask about this. It can be reassuring for them to articulate that people like to be with them, appreciate their work, call on them in class, assign them more duties, and invite them places. It can also help them to see where maybe they can tweak some things to show they are engaged, get along well with others and can reach their social and relational potential. “How are you different now than you were a year ago?” Hopefully the answer will be “so different.” This is not to say that their core values will have changed. You kind of want them to be how you raised them, right? But in many cases, their values will have grown, and they will see the world with more nuance. This can be the beauty of college and is the somewhat invisible learning that matters as much as the formal and informal. It is surely fertile ground. Beyond their values, they will have evolved in terms of how they see others. They will know what kind of people are real and bring substance – or just plain fun – into their lives. They will learn what inspires them, what they like, and how they want to focus their careers or further education. And they will learn that they can make it on their own. Of course, they need you. But they are becoming independent, confident, and finding meaning in their lives. Lastly, while it would be nice if everything was going well, if you learn that things aren’t all rosy, then you have struck gold as well. How can they get more out of their experiences? Are they in the right major? Can they find other ways to meet people? Can they get to the gym, volunteer, eat better, join a totally different club than they normally would, apply for RA, and take other safe risks? If you can’t help them navigate this, seeing a person on campus or a counselor may help them dig deeper. So, this listening thing... It can help you be a better and more informed parent. It can help your student see you as someone they can talk to about most anything. And don’t worry, you can still tell them to pick up after themselves. There will be plenty of opportunities. Believe me.

Parent Post: Closing Time Remember all of the excitement of moving your student into the residence halls last summer? The move-out experience will probably be much different in the weeks ahead. Because of uncommon exam schedules, students trickle out over a period of several days, unlike the tightly scheduled move-in day. There simply can’t be the fanfare, staff availability, and volunteer assistance that was there at move-in. And on the heels of finals, students are tired, not amped up. Be prepared. As someone who oversaw closing on campus over a period of decades, I can tell you it’s not just the students who are tired and a bit stressed. Aside from RA training, opening, and orientation, nothing is more time consuming than residence hall check-out for the staff. It is grueling. For student staff, they are also dealing with all of the post exam transitions of other students. Plus, they are scheduling check-outs, tracking down students, and performing inventory and damage assessments. It is demanding and exhausting. So, what can you expect around closing? Get in their heads Your student may have just gone through a year of great growth and development. They have learned exciting new things and met dynamic new people. They are transitioning into adulthood. Besides the stress of finals and other projects, they have recently had to make housing arrangements for next year, have had to register for fall classes, and needed to plan what they will be doing this summer – and where. In addition, they may not want to go back home. They may already be there. Students are leaving new friends and their new campus homes. Back to rules, chores, and parental oversight. Relax. It’s not you. It’s them. They aren’t like you You are organized and efficient. You plan ahead. You even think about what you will eat this week, oil changes, and retirement. Your student is wondering what they will wear at the last party they will go to before summer. If they were like you are now, their rooms would be packed and cleaned. What were you like at their age? You can’t blame them in many ways. They have been in survival mode and running on fumes the last couple of weeks. What they see as important and you see as important probably doesn’t match. Think about the housing folks Housing and residential life staff love what they do. And they love students. But after a long year of managing crises, maintaining order, and planning events, the break is welcome to them. Their hope (expectation may be too strong) is that students leave rooms as they found them. The campus is likely on a tight schedule to turnaround the buildings for summer occupancy. There is little time for cleaning and maintenance. They definitely prefer to end on a high note with students rather than billing them for damages and cleaning. How can you encourage your student to have a smooth transition out of the residence halls? Set some of your own expectations Let your students know, well in advance, that while it is not a priority for them now, that they need to start thinking about their move-out experience. The big question issue is dealing with all of their stuff (you know, the things you bought them last summer!) Do they need storage? Are they bringing items home? Are they staying in their new town, but need to move items? These things need attention now. And you can help them make some decisions. No doubt, it will be easier for you if they have their acts together. Encourage them, as well, to start packing a little at a time days before check-out. They will need to start scrounging for boxes, pulling out suitcases, and most importantly, start deciding what can be pitched and what they keep. If you aren’t far away, perhaps a trip to campus a week early to move out some items may be worth everyone’s time. Set some more expectations around cleaning Trash removal is the most important aspect of closing for students. Ask your student to pay attention to bulletin boards and newsletters that explain where to put their trash (as well as to schedule their check-out times). Often, there will be donation stations and dumpsters placed in the area. It isn’t the staff’s job to clear the room of waste. It also makes it more challenging to assess any legitimate damages. If your student is the first out of the room, they need to take care of business and talk to the remaining roommate about doing the same. When the RA checks them out, their side of the room and public areas should be clean. If your student is the last one out, then they likely bear the burden of having the room in top condition. A cleaning crew will be going through the building, so it doesn’t require a deep clean. But the expectation will be that it should be clean enough that the custodial staff need not defrost Microfridges, remove tape from the walls, or empty drawers. They don’t want your money. They want your cooperation. You have no idea how tedious room damage appeals can be. Often there is a disconnect between what the parent sees on the bill and what the student tells them about how they left their room. Staff does not want to be in conflict with you. They like you! The iPhone has helped alleviate contentious issues in recent years. Pictures sent to an angry parent can often help them in redirecting that anger. In many cases, the cleaning charges are set more as a deterrent than to recover money. Damages are a different story and parts and labor may be charged back to the student. While wear and tear can be expected, repairing blinds, holes in walls, and stained carpets can be tedious to repair, especially with the time crunch. Remember how you expect the rooms to look in the fall? Picture that when thinking of how your student should leave the room in the spring. In summary, when cooler heads are expected to prevail, you are likely the cooler heads. Students and staff are under pressure, stressed, emotional, and tired. Help your student understand all of these dynamics, set expectations, and see how you can assist with logistics. The smoother the move-out process, the sooner you can focus on their transitions back home for the summer. And that will take some emotional energy.

Parent Post: The Truth About Hazing I used to go back-and-forth with a local sportscaster who, each season, gleefully reported on a local team’s hazing tradition of new rookies. Harmless, he said. Lighten up, he scolded. In truth, this hazing was low-level and out in the open. However, the attempts to normalize hazing, and even laud it as mere shenanigans, was dangerous because it glorified the hazing culture. That culture, often (though not exclusively) a toxic male one, can be dangerous, and has even been deadly. At minimum, with the levels of anxiety that young people experience, negatively being put in the spotlight can have devastating effects. As a former dean of students, I dealt with this issue frequently. While hazing is often associated with fraternities and sororities and athletic teams, I saw it in other groups, including, debate, drama, service clubs, and more. Often, hazing rituals are passed on as traditions. In the business, we call them habits. Bad ones. As a parent, what do you need to know? Defining hazing Hazing is typically any behavior that can create physical/mental/emotional pain, ridicule, or embarrassment, and is expected as a condition of membership. While hazing activities are sometimes presented as optional, they typically are not. The draw to be accepted n a group can be so strong, that people will put themselves in danger simply to belong. Conditions for hazing Think of the dynamics in your family, in your career, at places of worship, and in organizations and associations. None of these (should) feature hazing. There is no reason that it should be acceptable in high schools and colleges. What is more, hazing is often done in secrecy, at night, off-campus (or in houses), and is being conducted under the direction of 20-year-olds with tacit power and control. What could go wrong. To consider this in simple term, keep two main things in mind when identifying hazing behaviors. First, hazing often puts others in subservient positions. New members may be required to do homework or others, clean their residences, buy and deliver meals, and more. This has nothing to do with qualifications to be in the group. It is simply about a person in power taking advantage of a person with none. Second, hazing is almost always unrelated to conditions of membership. That is, running several miles, drinking shots of alcohol, or wearing demeaning costumes has nothing to do with that student being an effective member of the organization. Doing push-ups, unless training for an intramural tea, probably has nothing to do with being a good sorority member. Again, hazing activities have no direct connection with membership. What to do if you suspect your student is being hazed First, ensure that your student is physically safe. That could mean coaching them out of harms way, including avoiding questionable activities. Suggest that your student take the club up on the activity as optional. What is more, the only way hazing can be effective is if the group accepts it. I used to encourage new members as a group to simply not engage. The team or organization needs these new members to exist and grow. Unfortunately, students almost never seized the power. They would rationalize that it was almost over, they didn’t want to make waves, etc. As a parent, help your student really consider the ludicrous nature of hazing. Discuss the aforementioned conditions for hazing. Second, report hazing to a campus official, usually the dean of students. In most cases, there are state laws against hazing and that require it be reported, by those in groups doing the hazing, by others aware of it, and by campus administrators who are required to investigate. When reporting hazing, think about the impact on your student. I would like to say that you are doing the right thing and protecting your student and others. However, retaliation can be real and the threat of ostracism will weigh on your student. It is real. Your child went to you because they were upset and because they wanted support from someone they trust. Discuss what you can do and what you can’t with your student. Your student can file a report or you can. You can be anonymous in most cases. Just understand that you will need to offer specific information if the university is to investigate allegations. This information can “out” your student as the one reporting, so be cautious about what you disclose. Sometimes just talking to someone seeking guidance from their perspective can be enough to get them to take notice and start asking questions. What to do if your student may be in a position to haze Rather than relying on victims of hazing to take on the onus of confronting it, ideally, students in positions of leadership can be pressed upon to break the cycle of hazing. I have seen too many times the cycle of new members vowing to stop hazing on their watch. They often go up against second-year members who like the power and go all-in on hazing. Then, by their last year in the club they are not even focused on it anymore. So, what can you do? If you have a student in a leadership role, review your campus hazing policies and state laws. Share those with your student, who is probably being trained on campus and may even be signing non-hazing agreements. Mostly though, appeal to their values of treating others well and keeping them safe. In conclusion If you want to break your heart, do an internet search for college hazing incidents. The problem is, once these things are addressed, students move-on, and new students come in, hear the lore, and repeat the process anew. Institutions have to be vigilant in an effort to keep your students safe. Help them by knowing the policy and law and by having important discussions with your student. And if you are worried you are over-reacting, consider this. Where there is a little hazing visible, there is probably a lot behind-the-scenes.

Parent Post: Making the Grade Students sometimes have a natural obsession with grades that drive them – and instructors – a little crazy. From the perspective of institutions and the faculty, grades validate and reflect the mastery of topics and courses. Indeed, except in courses requiring daily work, many instructors assign only a handful of projects and exams to determine this level of competence. For faculty, the course content and the student’s relationship with it are what matter most. Students have been conditioned to connect their worth and success to only the grades assigned to their work. This can create angst and stress, but also contributes to the question that teachers bemoan: “Will it be on the test?” College educators want students to love their subjects as much as they do! Families want their students to get the most out of the experience and get good grades. More viscerally, parents want to know that the significant investment being made in the student’s education is worth it, plainly and simply, is grades. Marks also tend to show whether or not the student is balancing work, social life, and health and wellness with academics. It’s true that grades matter, but it’s also true that the college experience is so much bigger than that. So how do family members broach the subject of grades in ways that don’t lead to defensiveness? Here are some things to consider: 1. First term grades come with an asterisk For many students, managing freedom, becoming independent, and figuring out how it works can take time. Lower grades than desired can be normal the first time out. If there are not other significant factors in play, students will usually self-correct. On the other hand, some introductory or first year level courses and seminars may be easier to allow students to ease into college without decimating transcripts. Things may become more difficult, which is fine. Focus on what went right and celebrate the wins. Look to the future: What will the student keep doing or do differently? (Where and when they study, how often, and with whom are good things to chat about.) What do the next semester courses look like? What led to some of the lower marks and what can be corrected? Where can they find help on campus? 2. Poor grades may reflect a larger issue Perhaps the student is unhappy with their school choice or isn’t fitting in yet. There may be more serious issues related to mental health, challenging relationships, pressure to make money as well as be a student, or general uncertainty about the future and the world we live in. Maybe they are partying and using substances in ways that are incongruent with their goals, and yours. Look for what has changed. Ask the hard questions. And be willing to listen without judgment. Be open to hearing a lot about how they feel. Know they may not know why they are having those feelings. It is also not the end of the world to explore them taking a break from college for a short while. 3. Pre-requisites and may impact grades Faculty don’t like the term “weed-out classes” as a rule. They aren’t wrong. Some fields, especially STEM, require the foundational building of complex concepts and knowledge. Though the result may be the same, students have to demonstrate they can cut it earlier, rather than later in chemistry, biology, calculus, and more. Regardless of the year, considering whether or not the student has the talent, passion, and drive in certain areas is important. Certainly, we have missed out on some great doctors because biochemistry is so difficult. But grades are measurable credentials that help identify those with the strongest potentials for success. Deciding if and when it is time to change course should be an ongoing and candid discussion. 4. Liberal arts and core curriculum courses may not inspire At times, students will question the core curriculum and courses unrelated to their majors. Remember, the goal for institutions is to develop educated people who demonstrate a breadth of knowledge and depth in specific areas. So, yes, some courses may not seem to matter, but they are part of learning that develop expertise, inspire curiosity, and create strong writers, public speakers, problem-solvers, and decision-makers. And who knows? Many have switched to majors after intro courses have unlocked a hidden passion. You will see it over time. Your student will start to challenge the validity of information, form cohesive arguments, become more articulate and confident, and know a lot. Encourage them by affirming that you are investing in their future and creating productive global citizens. 5. Grades should be peaking as students get further into majors Though it was years ago, my grades took off once I went further into my major. I had the interest and passion and was building the aforementioned depth required. If you don’t see the grades being consistent or on the rise, it might be because of the course rigor. It might be because there is some ambivalence about the major. That is probably worth exploring. Grades are often most important for the first job as well as getting into graduate and professional schools post-graduation. Excelling and managing transcripts are important. Keep focused on other signs of growth and maturity as well. Students will often report that some of the best lessons learned at college were outside the classroom -- and not quantifiable by grades. They aren’t wrong. Help them see what is most important for their majors and careers as well as their personal lives. Good grades and transformative experiences aren’t mutually-exclusive.

Parent Post: Stay or Go If you ever have purchased a car, you had to make multiple decisions: price, horsepower, color, accessories, fuel economy, etc. Often the process ends like this: Going with what feels like the best and most reasonable choice. And, usually, it works out. Sometimes, it doesn’t: Why did I go with orange? Did I really need a convertible in Minnesota? Why did I go with my head and not my heart? This happens with college choices too. Students and families make decisions based on available majors, price, best financial grant and scholarship offers, location, the gym, closet size, and even the weather on the day of the campus visit. But, as with a new car, you can sometimes have buyer’s remorse. When students expect the best years of their lives -- but have a crummy rooming situation, poor advising, academic struggles, and more -- it is not unusual to think about transferring. And spring semester is often a time when first- and second- year students consider going elsewhere. As parents and family members, it is important to help your student consider short- and long-term consequences when exploring the topic of transferring. Here are some things to think about: 1. It’s not that uncommon to consider transferring. It makes sense that students want the optimal experience. Images of their friends on Instagram and TikTok living their best lives at college can be deceptive. And when others are seemingly fitting right in, excelling, and happy, it is natural to want the same thing. But people go at their own pace. I have seen many students wait it out and find themselves completely and positively immersed in their first college choice after making the adjustment. 2. It might not be an issue with the school. It might be your student. So, take time to assess their life journey. How can the past inform the present and future? Has the student taken awhile to warm up to high school, including classes, activities, and social life? Do anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues contribute longer term adjustments? Has the student started slow, warmed up, and excelled? How does your student typically respond when facing difficult circumstances? How resilient are they? Is your student an introvert? This can be a really a big issue for students who go to college and see seemingly everyone else making friends, having fun, and living the dream. Not only is it isolating, but it leads students to wonder what is wrong with them. This is where residential and student activity staffs can be really helpful in directing students to opportunities, making connections, and normalizing that being an introvert isn’t a flaw, but a style. If the student transfers elsewhere, they will still be introverted. 3. What is the core source of discontent? Not all reasons for wanderlust are created equal. I dealt with many students who were excellent fits with the institution, but decided they wanted to go into a nursing program -- which we didn’t offer. The commodity you are paying for is the major and the academic experience. If that isn’t there, then the decision is not that difficult. Next, sadly, is often cost. Changes in family economic situations, having to work so much that academics are compromised, and just stress on the family, are really important issues. Related, is the topic of value. That is, if a student is consistently getting a 2.0 GPA -- would a less costly choice make sense? 4. What are the student’s visceral concerns? Are they miserable? Happiness is really important! It is the same for parents who change jobs to get away from dysfunctional work places. So maybe the school has a good reputation, but the culture is cutthroat, or the social life is lacking, or the reality of that school is incongruent with what was felt during the college search decision-making process. Sometimes students miss their high school cohort, especially if many went to the same institution. Watching your buddies have lots of fun on social media while you struggle can naturally lead to the fear of missing out. In these cases, it is important to really explore what the student is seeking from their experience. Prioritizing academics, creating new cohorts, and getting engaged in campus life at the current institution may be better than reliving high school. And there are lots of students out there struggling with the same issues. Connecting with them can be a challenge and one way to do that is to take the initiative. Is your student built that way? If the student isn’t at their first-choice school, it is easier to be critical and to want to bail out. I suspect there is something psychological about this. They wanted a new car and got a used one. That mindset may not go away. 5. Learning is a developmental experience and does not always create happy customers. It is important to accept that schools will help students learn, become high-functioning adults, and prepare for life after college. The campus should be a safe and healthy place. The classes should be challenging and of high quality. The institution should treat its students well. But here’s the thing. Students will learn a LOT by the challenges they face and overcome. And these challenges occur on all campuses. So a change may not really help. You are paying, in some respects, for hard life lessons. Students will have uneven instruction, will not get all the classes they want (and when they want them), they may get in trouble, they may not get playing time, might will not get the role in the play, could lose an election, maybe miss out on an award, live near a bunch of obnoxious party animals, and have their hearts broken. This is life. Coaching students and contextualizing their journeys, their resilience, and their growth is a really important role you can play. 6. Does the current institution get a home field advantage? I am biased, but I definitely lean this way. The proverbial grass is always greener. So, for the student looking at transferring, what has changed? Is the institution generally what it presented itself to be? Are the negative issues out of the control of the school? A challenging roommate situation, a poor instructor, an alcohol-obsessed student body … these are things that schools may not control completely, though how schools address these concerns can be telling. If the student can focus on what is right about their school, show patience, and learn to adapt, then they may be quite happy in the long run. And they spare themselves starting over elsewhere. You may know your student’s tolerance threshold best. One of my kids was ready to transfer after just a few weeks into the first term. There were many lamentations about social life and a break-up didn’t help matters. Those are difficult conversations, and it is hard to ask your child to stick it out. Listen and empathize. If the discontent goes well into the spring or into the second year, then there is probably something there. As a general rule, help your student determine what will change if they stay, and what will be different if they leave. Getting to the true core issues, weighing the importance of these issues, developing options, strategizing about how to move forward, and making realistic plans are all part of the process. Keep perspective and help them develop that as well. Their car is probably just fine. But if it is a lemon, a change may be in order. About the author: David Tuttle spent over 30 years in higher education in Residential Life and Student Affairs and has sent four children to college. He is the proprietor of a student and parent assistance service, PROsper Collegiate, LLC. Contact him here: david@prospercollegiate.com.

 

Parent Posts: Pros and Cons of Tracking Your Student's Movements

Child tracking apps In my former Dean of Students role, I was aghast when I once learned from parents of a student that they were tracking him from an app on their cellphone. Though he knew of it, this is a huge breach of privacy and trust. Knowing their son was out until all hours of the night seemed to be invasive and frankly, none of their business. If the student was to succeed or fail, it wouldn’t be because he was being monitored. In fact, it might even backfire, and lead to him sabotaging his success. My last child went off to college this year, she was my first to go out-of-state, and also to a large urban area, where she would be taking trains at night, and even be on her own in potentially dangerous situations. This was how I justified to her that I needed a tracking app on her phone. It was only to be used in emergencies – if she couldn’t be located or she sent out an SOS signal to friends and family. We simply avoided the notion that yeah, she might go missing someday. Yikes. Being a parent is scary. So, have I stayed true to my promise to use the app only in emergencies? No. Not even close. I don’t jump on it all the time, but, unbeknownst to her, I have peaked time and again despite our agreement. Not only am I as BAD as the parents I previously judged – I’m worse. I am hypocritical and deceitful. When I report to my wife things like -- our daughter is at the lakefront -- and she asks how I know, she simply pauses, shakes her head, and says something about my character, or lack thereof. And my daughter hasn’t picked up on random texts like “be safe around water…” Sure, I am horrible. But when I see that dot hovering over her residence hall at the end of the night, I seem to sleep a little better. When tracking apps like Life360 and Family Locator gained notoriety about five years ago, the debate began, and continues to surface from time-to-time as parents grapple with the peace-of-mind versus autonomy/privacy sides. I thought I would revisit this, as I have seen it from the perspective of both a college administrator (and advocate for student independence), and as a parent with anxiety. Some more nuanced things to ask yourself: 1. What is the level of intrusion? There are not that many options as to where students might usually be: Class, an on- or off- campus residence, a store, a restaurant, or a club. Or they could be on Elm Street or over in Amityville. Oh boy. Their whereabouts are usually not all that interesting (believe me). I think a legitimate fear of students is that their parents will catch them doing something they disapprove of: That is, out partying, hooking up, or shopping. For me, I simply assume my daughter may be doing these things, and I actually don’t care. I was young once. I shopped a LOT. This is one way I justify my actions. The other is that where she is does not necessarily reflect what she is doing. I don’t have a hidden camera on her (now there’s an idea!), but knowing she is at a house off campus tells me very little. I can infer from the day and time whether she is in a study group, sharing a meal, or maybe at a party. But I don’t really know. 2. Aren’t you actually doing your kid a favor? Oh boy, I keep digging this hole deeper. But I do sometimes feel like this is all relative. If she lived at home would know her whereabouts most times. We are all often in regular contact with our kids, mostly by text. In our ideal worlds, we might actually talk on the phone or over FaceTime. One thing I have learned is to simply not bother her when she isn’t at home. I respect her privacy and freedom. Yes, I said that with a straight face. But in truth, I do see that I can actually be less intrusive while being, well… more intrusive. 3. Isn’t timing everything? I can’t imagine that I will be tracking my daughter much beyond her first year away. It is reassuring, but tiring, and has actually lost its novelty. And you can ask my 25-year-old-daughter – though you have to wait, as I can see she is currently at the grocery store as I type this – I will let go at some point. (It is funny how I don’t really care where my sons are. We can save that topic for another time.) For some of us, maybe these trackers are a way to slowly let go and become comfortable with transitions. 4. What is the big picture? In my defense, I encouraged my daughter to leave Texas. She is our only one to go out-of-state. She is doing amazing things and having transformational experiences. We are so proud of her and her independence. I suppose we could have insisted she not go halfway across the country. But we really do value her ability to navigate the world on her own. She has always been fairly good at that, and has earned our trust. But she is my baby. 5. Isn’t this your business? As I have read articles on this topic, I have noted a certain level of righteousness on both sides. Some can’t imagine the loss of trust and the intrusion that technology offers. They decry the erosion of trust impacting the long-term parent-child relationship. Well… THEIR kids probably call them once in a while. Alternately, there are those who are comfortable bulldozing, hovering, and micro-managing their kids. They have poured everything into those munchkins and aren’t going to stop now. As with most things, there might be a good place to land in-between the extremes. There is probably a place where you can live with what works best for you and your student. This is about them, after all. But it’s about you too. In the end, it really does come down to your peace of mind versus the independence your child deserves. But they should have a say and be fully aware of whether or not you are using tracking apps. I learned that simply over the course of writing this piece. When my daughter finished her exam today, I called her to come clean. We acknowledged that one of her parents is neurotic and doesn’t respect boundaries… and the other is her mother. She actually was okay with my breach of protocol, and was okay with me checking once in a while. We decided that if that changes, mom would take over the tracking app for emergencies only. Dad may yet lose his privileges, but we will see. Time will tell if he can be trusted. Go figure.

Parent Post: Rhythm of the First Semester and What to Expect Now what? After all of the applications, tours, decisions, packing, unloading, and last minute (if not outdated) parental advice, your students are on their own. As someone who sent four kids off to college and served as a campus administrator over several decades, I know there is a rhythm to the first semester. Certainly, there is a four-year cadence as well, but for first-time parents of new students, the fall term can be the one of greatest transition and growth: For everyone! Uneasiness and anxiety You can probably tell looking in their eyes. Pulling up to the residence hall, meeting other students… Your kid is feeling the pressure. How does the meal plan work? Where are my classes? Am I a nerd? Is my roommate a nerd? What if there is no one to eat with or hang out with. For most, these things will quickly pass. For some though, especially introverts, this can be a very stressful time and it may last awhile until they get further into the semester. The best thing you can do as a parent is to check-in, be available, and listen. When your child is sad, you probably are too. This will pass, in most cases. The best campus resource is the Resident Assistant. Nudge your student to talk to them and lean on them for support. Euphoria I was always struck by the amount of energy in the first few days of the semester. It probably helps that there are often no classes just yet. Students often are drawn in by these new, exciting, diverse, and dynamic people. They have a lot in common – that they want to be at college, in particular, this college. They want to put their best feet forward and meet lots of different people. This is why people say college is the best years of your life. Additionally, students have so many ways to connect over social media prior to moving to campus that there is a comfort level already among many of them. The truth is, many of these happy and social students are doing what we do when thrust into new and uncomfortable situations: they’re faking it. This is a handy survival skill. They may be latching onto the first people they meet, especially in the residence halls. But the first friends are not always the last ones – or even the ones that are there by the holidays. What is more, how often do we get chances to reinvent ourselves? Maybe when we move, find a new relationship, or start a new job. College students, in many cases, have gone through the brutal and awkward years of high school. Now they can shed the yoke of their reputations, make changes, and start fresh. At least for a while. Freedom Students can stay out late and sleep in, not clean their rooms, and don’t have to do chores that are certainly beneath them. Such things are appropriately reserved for, well, you. Think about this. Students are on their own. They are meeting new people. They are becoming new people. And those things that gave them anxiety – they have mastered those things. Their freedom is creating confidence as they manage their decisions and emotions. You may notice over the holidays, that your adolescent is blossoming into a confident adult. Hurdle one – Homesickness At some point, most students will face a bout of homesickness. At least that’s what parents secretly hope! The euphoria fades and with freedom comes accountability. Often, something minor will happen. Maybe their roommate or friend didn’t invite them to breakfast. Or perhaps they saw all their friends at a different school on Instagram supposedly having a great time. This is Fear of Missing Out. These things can quickly topple any bravado built up in the first few days and weeks. And maybe sustaining the reinvention proves exhausting and inauthentic. What if they are who their reputations say they are? And maybe, just maybe, parents, siblings, and the family home provide some real comfort. Expect the call. The one where they say they don’t fit in. They want to see you. Or more so, they want to see the dog. This is normal. Listen a lot, knowing that after the call they may end up going out and having fun while you are tossing and turning with worry. If this homesickness is sustained, have them home for a visit or go see them if resources and time allow. Some parents set an arbitrary rule that their kids can’t come home until Thanksgiving. That seems more punitive than productive. Sometimes just having the visit early on can help get them through and understand that their new lives can co-exist with their old ones. Fall Family Weekend Many schools put on weekend programs during the first month or two for parents, mostly targeted at parents of new students. If your school offers this, and you can attend, it can be fun and reassuring. There are often campus programs that take place and if you like this type of engagement, definitely attend to learn what is happening on campus. Your student mostly wants to see you, show you off, have some meals, and maybe come away with a little cash. Whether a structured family weekend or a random early fall visit, it is nice to take your students and some friends out for a meal, just make sure you get a family-only meal scheduled at some point. You can learn a lot from the friends that your student has found at this point. Mostly, you can gauge that they are happy and fitting in. Don’t be surprised if the group is made up of various genders. College breaks down these barriers more than high school. Finally, let your student show you around campus with their new eyes. You can see where they go to class, study, and hang-out. Our son gave us a tour of the recreation facility he worked at. He took great pride in showing us how his key worked. Thing is, this display in the obvious made us proud too. Hurdle two – Grades College is hard. Professors love their disciplines and know a lot. Many of them can’t fathom that their students don’t feel the same. Students may be checking off requirements, but the faculty is committed to teaching and learning. And they want to entice students into their majors. Students will read and write more in the first semester than they did in one or two years of high school. Also, the other students also want to be there, and are the brightest of the bright. So, it is hard, and competitive, and students can’t get by on talent alone. The first subpar grade on a test or paper can easily create doubts, if not imposter syndrome tailspins. Some students aren’t used to seeing so much red on their written assignments and it can be very humbling. Know that most instructors are fully aware of this. They are laying the groundwork of expectations of the quality of work that is expected in college. For you, maybe temper expectations about first grades, including for the whole first semester. Students will learn what they need to do to succeed and you will often see a bump in the second term. Get used to being shut out Instructors don’t give as much graded work except in languages and STEM (science and math). This makes it difficult for students to assess their progress and even more difficult to report it to you. They may have two or three papers and a few tests. What instructors want to see is that the students are engaged. Urge your student to attend class, participate in discussion, and turn in their work. The grades will follow. Professors love it, too, when students go to their office hours. Professors will likely not communicate with you if you reach out. The faculty treats students as adults and simply don’t want to engage. Institutions are similar and if you reach put they will want to know if your student has filled out a FERPA release for (usually available on their website). Even then, many want to keep parents at arms-length the way the professors do. You should stress that you don’t want to know about educational records, but want to discuss how your child is doing, if that is the case. And you can always just talk and share your concerns and hope they act on them. Finally, your student may also shut you out. They have gotten the message they are adults, so they want to handle things. That is what you want. But sometimes, you need them to rise to your expectations. And don’t forget, you probably have leverage. Don’t be afraid of your student. One of my kids told me he felt like I was micro-managing him. I told him I could micro-manage his tail back home, since we were paying the bill. Things somehow worked out! Weed-out classes and registration Schools say they don’t have weed-out classes. But many students who are in the pre-med track learn that the rigor of Chemistry, Calculus, and Biology is simply too challenging. In effect, if the student switches majors, they have weeded themselves out. That is normal. Sometimes it is best to drop some of these classes by the deadline if they will have severe negative impacts on the grade point average. And maybe it is time to look at different majors. About two-thirds of the way through the fall, students will register for the next set of classes. This is stressful. Class seats were set aside for them in the fall. Now, they are in with the general population, and are at the back of the line. Don’t be surprised if you get a call that they have a crummy schedule. Direct them to their advisor or Registrars Office about how to navigate waitlists or find other classes that will fulfill requirements. And knocking out some electives isn’t a bad thing. Many a student has taken a class in something they would have never considered only to find a passion area as a major. The main thing is to make sure highly sequences courses are completed so the student’s graduation schedule isn’t thrown off kilter. The holidays For many families, this is the first time your students are home and present with extended family. They will want to sleep and see their old friends. Your student is probably long-term tired after being “on” for several months. Discuss expectations in advance and let them know when they need to be with family. And be prepared for them to have new perspectives and maybe want to stand up to relatives who say things that may draw a visceral reaction. This is your new, educated, emerging adult! The end of the first term The first thing on everyone’s minds is how grades turned out. If your student is in the average to above range see this as a win. Discuss what they will do differently in the next term and ask about scheduled classes. Let them regroup academically and emotionally. If the grades are subpar, it may be time to dig deeper and possibly reach out to the advisor or academic support people. By the time students are going back to school they will be ready and you probably will be too. They may say they are going home. Don’t take it personally. They want to get back to their freedom and new friends and start fresh on this next lap. And they will likely be sad to leave you as well. But you will all have less stress than you had the first time. Everyone is getting the hang of this!

Parent Post: Students and Grief When I received the call in my residence hall room, from my father, that my mom had passed away, I was stunned. It was unexpected at the time, and would change the course of my life in multiple ways, large and small. The hallowed halls of higher education are many things. But they don’t shield students from life. And death. I am certainly not the only one to lose a parent or another loved one while in college. And 1981 was a very long time ago. But I remember it with clarity as if it was yesterday. In my role as a dean of students, I used to reach out to students when I learned of losses they endured just prior to, or during, their time as students. Eventually, these conversations led to making connections between students, and ultimately to a supportive Grief Group. The charm of the group was that students could be with peers with unique, but similar experiences, usually in real time. After one of our first meetings a father called me and told me it didn’t help his daughter. In fact, it made things worse. This was a jarring epiphany for me. From that time forward I lead with a statement that mourning cannot be rushed, steps could not be skipped, and indeed, the group was not intended to remove grief, but help make it more manageable. When students experience loss, it can mean their past, present and future are forever different. Students often pre-grieve the absence of their parent or loved one at future graduations, weddings, and births. And the past is tainted with sadness. “…we overlay the present onto the past. We look back through the lens of what we know now, so we’re not seeing it as the people we are, and that means the past has been radically altered.” - Ann Patchett, The Dutch House While this was a club no one wanted to be drafted into, it helped, for those who chose to participate. It wasn’t for everyone. If you have experienced loss in your family, or if your student has experienced the loss of a loved one, there are some commonalities that may be helpful in the road back. What to know… Grief at college is isolating Of course, this can be true of any traumatic experience. Students who have been sexually assaulted, who are dealing with mental health issues, who are asked to speak for their race in class, or who are finding and expressing their sexual identity, all often report feeling isolated. What makes trauma difficult is its endurance. While a student who has experienced a loss, there are still classes, grades, parties, and campus events. And these things don’t take someone’s mind off of the loss. The normalcy in a time that is not at all normal and familiar can make matters worse. In the Grief Group, students found kindred souls who simply “got it.” Loss is distracting at a time when focus is required Students are often surprised by and frustrated with that grief can impact attention, focus, memory, and stamina, making it much harder to complete school work. It accompanies them every moment of every day, sapping them of energy and joy. At the same time, the assignments keep coming. I used to tell students that sometimes just getting out of bed is success enough. Grief is not linear The five stages of grief have been adapted from the five stages of dying (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross). Denial, anger, depression, acceptance do not follow a defined arc. What students tell us is that the unpredictability of the grief process is one of its hallmarks. This means that emotions can well up at unusual times. Though there can be many triggers (birthdays, death anniversaries), sometimes emotions just spring forth unannounced. Students tend to have bad days, and less-bad days (not many good days). In the action-packed world of a college campus where students are on the go, focused on school and work, and stressed and tired, it is no wonder that emotions sometimes need to just let themselves peer out from the subconscious. “But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.” - Donna Tart, The Goldfinch I used to remind students, anxious to function as they used to, that the death just happened. This doesn’t matter if it is a week or a year. That first year, when every new experience without the loved one is so evident, is especially difficult. Friends don’t always know what to say (and neither do grown-ups) When I had to meet with a professor to discuss work missed, he could barely look me in the eye, let alone offer condolences. Students report this all the time. People often have a real fear of saying the wrong thing, so will instead, say nothing at all. This can compound the feelings of isolation. Well-meaning friends may see things like they “know how you feel” because their family pet died. Or in an attempt to get the student unstuck, say things like “you aren’t over that yet.” Well, no. Grief may subside, but never truly goes away. “People in the real world always say, when something terrible happens, that the sadness and loss and aching pain of the heart will ‘lessen as time passes,’ but it isn’t true. Sorrow and losses are constant, but if we all had to go through our whole lives carrying them the whole time, we wouldn’t be able to stand it. The sadness would paralyze us. So in the end, we just pack it into bags and find somewhere to leave it.” - Fredrik Backman, My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry Family-centered events and holidays are really hard As other students prepare to join family for the holidays, grieving students are often dreading these family celebrations. There will be a void and anxiety about the unknown – not just for them, but for others in the family. So, conversations about family weekend, holiday plans, and breaks can be unbearable. They serve as reminders of loss and uncertainty. How to help your grieving student Grief is very personal There is no one-size-fits-all approach to mourning. I quickly learned that while the Grief Group could be helpful, like any other group, it requires engagement that may not meet everyone’s level of comfort. Some students throw themselves into their work, spend time with significant others, or just want to process internally. It may be worth talking to your student about how they like to grieve. They may just want you, or they may wish to see a grief counselor. Encourage your student to give grace to others This can be really hard, but before your student experienced loss, they probably were ill-prepared to respond to others as well. It can be so evident to those who are suffering, but others, especially college-age, are often just muddling through it. The student whom relates that their dog died? Of course they understand the difference. Most likely, they are trying to say “I have felt loss, and it is really hard.” Find those who can help It is important for students to identify those who are comfortable with the uncomfortable. I used to urge my students to find those who they can really count on, on a visceral level. Without burning these people out, these friends can be their go-to people when they are having bad days. Indeed, I coached students to tell others very clearly: “I am having a bad day. I just need to talk. You can’t fix it, but it will make me feel better.” Having people that students can count on, and circle back with, is really important. Rituals matter and so does talking This can be really hard for parents who have lost a partner or child. The grief can be overwhelming. Students, though, are looking to their grown-ups for emotional support, consistency, and sensitivity. Families who do best share their grief with one another, a lot. But there is a limit. Some students find themselves in an unfamiliar parental role with the surviving parent. Finding someone, in addition to your child, to process with, can take off the pressure. Discussing holidays, birthdays, breaks, anniversaries can help reduce uncertainty and ensure family members are having their needs met and can reduce stress. I have known families to spend the first major holiday on a family trip. The avoidance can only help so much, but it can reduce the pain of the empty chair back home. “No matter how much time passes, those we have loved never slip away from us entirely.” - Amor Towles, A Gentleman in Moscow I know students who will listen to voicemails from their missing loved one, or routinely scroll through photos on their phones. The fact is, above all else, students are missing the person they lost. They often want to remember, talk, and memorialize. Be sensitive to big changes Students who have lost a family member, especially parents, are on emotional roller-coasters. What they crave is constancy in their topsy-turvy new world. Introducing dating, new partners, or selling the family home can be gut-punches for those students in grief. Certainly, these things may unfold. However, waiting, discussing, and preparing is much better than springing surprises. Considering the feelings of students who feel compounding losses is really important. In summary I hope that you have not, or won’t experience a loss in your family while your students are in college, especially if out-of-town. If you do, communicate a lot with your student about how they are feeling and how you can be supportive. Depending on the time of year, students can take some time away. If the academic calendar aligns, even a semester off can be helpful, though most students see missing sc

Parent Piece: Number One Skill for Students

Navigating Privacy Within FERPA I recently spoke with a parent who was very frustrated by the lack of communication from the staff at her child’s college. The student was dealing with a serious issue involving health and safety, and her efforts to obtain information met with resistance. The reason? Privacy related to student records. This despite the student having signed a release. Nothing can be more frustrating for a parent when the institution is stone-walling them. And it is, in fact complicated, if not maddening. In considering how much college staff members will and won’t share with you about your student, understand that institutions are trying to treat students as adults and want to guard their privacy. This is part of teaching students to become adults. What is more, institutions strive to be student-centered. To build relationships with students, it is important to treat them with respect and to guard their privacy. Good institutions also want to partner with families to help their students succeed. These things (student and family centeredness) can co-exist and as a parent, you can be an advocate for your student without acting on behalf of them. Hopefully, your institution will let you. Essentially, FERPA was created in 1974 for students and families to ensure that student records were accurate, could not be shared arbitrarily with others, and could be reviewed and corrected. Records, generally, involve grades, finances, and conduct. Interactions between student and clergy, counselors, and doctors have a higher level of protection. Confidentiality is key in those relationships. Administrators can talk to parents about most anything else. If the student has a track record of belittling staff members, this is not a student record. If attempts to get through to the student don’t work, a phone call to a parent can be effective. These are not records, but observations. In extreme cases, students who are no longer attending classes, or are not responsive to attempts to address their mental health, including suicidality, then institutions may want to contact family to loop them in to help the student. If a parent calls about a roommate conflict, a staff member can absolutely discuss it – or at least listen. In my experience, this was an area when adding the emotional voices of parents actually complicated matters. But sometimes the parent can offer valuable information and insight that can help with context. And it can help with context for the staff in how to address the situation. The important thing to reinforce here, is that FERPA addresses student records, not much else. Be wary if someone says they can’t talk to you because of FERPA. They may be reluctant because of the aforementioned reasons related to privacy (student-centeredness and building trust with students). For entry-level staff and faculty, they may fear that a violation of FERPA will result in the school losing federal aid for a violation. This is extremely rare. Most upper-level and seasoned professionals are more experienced in navigating all of this. So sometimes, parents need to move up the organization chart to get assistance. As a parent of a college student, here are some important things to know about FERPA and privacy: Students are considered adults This is an important philosophy of college administrators. Unfortunately, admission to a college has somehow does not automatically turn an adolescent into a fully functioning adult. Having witnessed cases of improper student behavior, I can say for sure it is generous, at best, to confer adulthood onto 18-year-olds. Indeed, there is plenty of evidence that the brain isn’t close to full development until the mid-20’s. What college staffers want is aspirational. They want to establish that it is time for students to take care of their own business. This is part of the learning process, and is an important component of the college experience. In theory, I love this. However, sometimes students exhaust all manner of reasonable attempts to get assistance from staff members and they NEED an experienced person (parent) to step in. Sometimes parents simply know how to be assertive (hopefully not aggressive or threatening) and to help or get clarity on policies and procedures. Sometimes it is even simpler. When I was a new student and had an issue with my bill, I asked my mom to call the business office because I didn’t understand the situation. It was easier and more efficient for her to do this, and made me no more or less a grown-up. It was a one-off. I got the hang of it. I still grew up and became responsible in many ways (mostly by being an RA). This phone call was better for me and the school. And mom got to be my hero for once. More on privacy The dilemma for administrators is determining when to pull in parents. Most use the health, safety, and success of the student to guide them. Theses can be really gray area and decisions can have major consequences. They can’t do this effectively if they run to students every time the student gets in trouble. Or if they blab whenever a parent calls them. On the other hand, they don’t want to answer questions from a parent about why the family wasn’t informed of something. FERPA allows universities to inform parents of alcohol and drug violations. This can help in redirecting a student’s trajectory. I used it at times, as a dean of students, to help get the student to prioritize education over substance use and related shenanigans. I also sometimes contacted parents if the student was a threat to self or others, also allowed by FERPA. But this was used selectively. I often encouraged students to involve those best positioned to support them. Often, they did so when it was too late to have an impact. With the cost of education, schools should also cultivate parent relationships. This isn’t nefarious, and in fact, it can be very helpful in offering nuanced perspectives to parents, if not outright offering more accurate facts. Parents aren’t wrong when they say they are the ones paying. But still, it is complicated. I had a colleague who used to say he would never take a parent call. This was dumbfounding to me. Sometimes just helping a parent be heard and understand decisions is all a parent needs to be satisfied. So what can parents do? Have you student sign the waiver This is where you have leverage, and it is with your child. If you are the primary funding source, by all means, you should insist that your student sign a waiver, which will allow you to discuss student records. Check the Registrar webpage at your student’s school or search for FERPA waiver. Be proactive in making this happen. And don’t forget, most college instructors give less graded work. When your student can’t produce evidence of their grades during the term, they may be right. Most professors offer little in terms of gradebooks in the way teachers did in high school. But you should definitely feel comfortable asking your student how they will communicate with you about how they are doing academically. Gently push back on FERPA If you are getting the FERPA silent treatment, ask the person you are speaking with to explain what record is being protected. And challenge them if this is an issue of their confidentiality and privacy preferences, rather than the regulation. This will at least give you a sense of how the college is approaching student privacy. You can acknowledge this and still pursue your questions. Without belittling the staff member, perhaps ask to talk to someone at a higher level with more experience who can navigate these issues and speak with more confidence. If that doesn’t work, then speak to the dean of students or the registrar. These persons are used to this and are experts and should be either more informative about the school’s approach and/or more forthcoming. Speak hypothetically I have done this as a parent, calling a child’s therapist or school administrator. If they won’t talk to you about your student, say, “I understand.” And then say you want to speak to them hypothetically, so they know what you are up to. “Let’s say a student has a roommate whose boyfriend has essentially moved into the room, how would a student address this without looking lie a rat? Who can help them and advise them?” (A good staff member will have an RA discreetly look into this, by the way.) I did this with a child’s medical bill recently. “I know you can’t acknowledge they are a patient, but how can I as a parent determine if a bill has been submitted to insurance?” You would be amazed at the adept ways someone can tell you what you need to know without telling you anything specific. Say this, not that Generally, administrators are responsive to the term “student success.” So, if you are being shut out, express that you are interested in the student’s success, and ask the person if they support this (they better). This can help loosen things up. Without threatening that the student might transfer, it is okay to discuss wanting the student to be retained and finish their experience at the school. Every school is worried about retention and graduation rates. And be clear, you know your student needs to advocate for themselves, meet with the appropriate people, and manage their situation. Make it clear that you are seeking information or advocating and the action steps are up to your student. Telling a staff member that you pay, or who you know in the upper level of the administration generally just leads someone to dig in their heels. (Many students are on generous aid and good administrators won’t apply pressure because they know someone.) Lastly, if you are unhappy with the condition of the dorms, the food, textbook prices, class availability, and parking, consider letting these things go. Students have avenues for their complaints and this is when they should make their feelings known through student government or to appropriate university officials. Your general complaints may simply derail staff from managing things that need their attention. Don’t call or reach out to professors You know who will rarely talk about students and their grades and academic performance? Professors. They are almost always big believers that students are adults and that classroom learning is not to be mucked with, by parents, and often administrators. They believe firmly, often, that this isn’t high school any more. And they don’t care about FERPA. They can’t be bothered in most cases, with this. Your better approach will be to talk to an advisor or someone in academic or student services, who may be able to ascertain how a student is doing. As a dean of students, I could reach out to faculty members about student grades, attendance, and engagement and have a pretty good picture of where a student stood academically within 24-48 hours. This could be very helpful in generally painting the full picture for a parent (and student) and help in advising the how to salvage the semester. In summary, understand that institutions are trying to treat students as adults and want to guard their privacy. Good institutions want to partner with families and students to help them succeed. These things can co-exist and as a parent, you can be an advocate for your student without acting on behalf of them. Hopefully, your institution will let you.

Parent Piece: Navigating Privacy Within FERPA I recently spoke with a parent who was very frustrated by the lack of communication from the staff at her child’s college. The student was dealing with a serious issue involving health and safety, and her efforts to obtain information met with resistance. The reason? Privacy related to student records. This despite the student having signed a release. Nothing can be more frustrating for a parent when the institution is stone-walling them. And it is, in fact complicated, if not maddening. In considering how much college staff members will and won’t share with you about your student, understand that institutions are trying to treat students as adults and want to guard their privacy. This is part of teaching students to become adults. What is more, institutions strive to be student-centered. To build relationships with students, it is important to treat them with respect and to guard their privacy. Good institutions also want to partner with families to help their students succeed. These things (student and family centeredness) can co-exist and as a parent, you can be an advocate for your student without acting on behalf of them. Hopefully, your institution will let you. Essentially, FERPA was created in 1974 for students and families to ensure that student records were accurate, could not be shared arbitrarily with others, and could be reviewed and corrected. Records, generally, involve grades, finances, and conduct. Interactions between student and clergy, counselors, and doctors have a higher level of protection. Confidentiality is key in those relationships. Administrators can talk to parents about most anything else. If the student has a track record of belittling staff members, this is not a student record. If attempts to get through to the student don’t work, a phone call to a parent can be effective. These are not records, but observations. In extreme cases, students who are no longer attending classes, or are not responsive to attempts to address their mental health, including suicidality, then institutions may want to contact family to loop them in to help the student. If a parent calls about a roommate conflict, a staff member can absolutely discuss it – or at least listen. In my experience, this was an area when adding the emotional voices of parents actually complicated matters. But sometimes the parent can offer valuable information and insight that can help with context. And it can help with context for the staff in how to address the situation. The important thing to reinforce here, is that FERPA addresses student records, not much else. Be wary if someone says they can’t talk to you because of FERPA. They may be reluctant because of the aforementioned reasons related to privacy (student-centeredness and building trust with students). For entry-level staff and faculty, they may fear that a violation of FERPA will result in the school losing federal aid for a violation. This is extremely rare. Most upper-level and seasoned professionals are more experienced in navigating all of this. So sometimes, parents need to move up the organization chart to get assistance. As a parent of a college student, here are some important things to know about FERPA and privacy: Students are considered adults This is an important philosophy of college administrators. Unfortunately, admission to a college has somehow does not automatically turn an adolescent into a fully functioning adult. Having witnessed cases of improper student behavior, I can say for sure it is generous, at best, to confer adulthood onto 18-year-olds. Indeed, there is plenty of evidence that the brain isn’t close to full development until the mid-20’s. What college staffers want is aspirational. They want to establish that it is time for students to take care of their own business. This is part of the learning process, and is an important component of the college experience. In theory, I love this. However, sometimes students exhaust all manner of reasonable attempts to get assistance from staff members and they NEED an experienced person (parent) to step in. Sometimes parents simply know how to be assertive (hopefully not aggressive or threatening) and to help or get clarity on policies and procedures. Sometimes it is even simpler. When I was a new student and had an issue with my bill, I asked my mom to call the business office because I didn’t understand the situation. It was easier and more efficient for her to do this, and made me no more or less a grown-up. It was a one-off. I got the hang of it. I still grew up and became responsible in many ways (mostly by being an RA). This phone call was better for me and the school. And mom got to be my hero for once. More on privacy The dilemma for administrators is determining when to pull in parents. Most use the health, safety, and success of the student to guide them. Theses can be really gray area and decisions can have major consequences. They can’t do this effectively if they run to students every time the student gets in trouble. Or if they blab whenever a parent calls them. On the other hand, they don’t want to answer questions from a parent about why the family wasn’t informed of something. FERPA allows universities to inform parents of alcohol and drug violations. This can help in redirecting a student’s trajectory. I used it at times, as a dean of students, to help get the student to prioritize education over substance use and related shenanigans. I also sometimes contacted parents if the student was a threat to self or others, also allowed by FERPA. But this was used selectively. I often encouraged students to involve those best positioned to support them. Often, they did so when it was too late to have an impact. With the cost of education, schools should also cultivate parent relationships. This isn’t nefarious, and in fact, it can be very helpful in offering nuanced perspectives to parents, if not outright offering more accurate facts. Parents aren’t wrong when they say they are the ones paying. But still, it is complicated. I had a colleague who used to say he would never take a parent call. This was dumbfounding to me. Sometimes just helping a parent be heard and understand decisions is all a parent needs to be satisfied. So what can parents do? Have you student sign the waiver This is where you have leverage, and it is with your child. If you are the primary funding source, by all means, you should insist that your student sign a waiver, which will allow you to discuss student records. Check the Registrar webpage at your student’s school or search for FERPA waiver. Be proactive in making this happen. And don’t forget, most college instructors give less graded work. When your student can’t produce evidence of their grades during the term, they may be right. Most professors offer little in terms of gradebooks in the way teachers did in high school. But you should definitely feel comfortable asking your student how they will communicate with you about how they are doing academically. Gently push back on FERPA If you are getting the FERPA silent treatment, ask the person you are speaking with to explain what record is being protected. And challenge them if this is an issue of their confidentiality and privacy preferences, rather than the regulation. This will at least give you a sense of how the college is approaching student privacy. You can acknowledge this and still pursue your questions. Without belittling the staff member, perhaps ask to talk to someone at a higher level with more experience who can navigate these issues and speak with more confidence. If that doesn’t work, then speak to the dean of students or the registrar. These persons are used to this and are experts and should be either more informative about the school’s approach and/or more forthcoming. Speak hypothetically I have done this as a parent, calling a child’s therapist or school administrator. If they won’t talk to you about your student, say, “I understand.” And then say you want to speak to them hypothetically, so they know what you are up to. “Let’s say a student has a roommate whose boyfriend has essentially moved into the room, how would a student address this without looking lie a rat? Who can help them and advise them?” (A good staff member will have an RA discreetly look into this, by the way.) I did this with a child’s medical bill recently. “I know you can’t acknowledge they are a patient, but how can I as a parent determine if a bill has been submitted to insurance?” You would be amazed at the adept ways someone can tell you what you need to know without telling you anything specific. Say this, not that Generally, administrators are responsive to the term “student success.” So, if you are being shut out, express that you are interested in the student’s success, and ask the person if they support this (they better). This can help loosen things up. Without threatening that the student might transfer, it is okay to discuss wanting the student to be retained and finish their experience at the school. Every school is worried about retention and graduation rates. And be clear, you know your student needs to advocate for themselves, meet with the appropriate people, and manage their situation. Make it clear that you are seeking information or advocating and the action steps are up to your student. Telling a staff member that you pay, or who you know in the upper level of the administration generally just leads someone to dig in their heels. (Many students are on generous aid and good administrators won’t apply pressure because they know someone.) Lastly, if you are unhappy with the condition of the dorms, the food, textbook prices, class availability, and parking, consider letting these things go. Students have avenues for their complaints and this is when they should make their feelings known through student government or to appropriate university officials. Your general complaints may simply derail staff from managing things that need their attention. Don’t call or reach out to professors You know who will rarely talk about students and their grades and academic performance? Professors. They are almost always big believers that students are adults and that classroom learning is not to be mucked with, by parents, and often administrators. They believe firmly, often, that this isn’t high school any more. And they don’t care about FERPA. They can’t be bothered in most cases, with this. Your better approach will be to talk to an advisor or someone in academic or student services, who may be able to ascertain how a student is doing. As a dean of students, I could reach out to faculty members about student grades, attendance, and engagement and have a pretty good picture of where a student stood academically within 24-48 hours. This could be very helpful in generally painting the full picture for a parent (and student) and help in advising the how to salvage the semester. In summary, understand that institutions are trying to treat students as adults and want to guard their privacy. Good institutions want to partner with families and students to help them succeed. These things can co-exist and as a parent, you can be an advocate for your student without acting on behalf of them. Hopefully, your institution will let you.

Parent Post: Dining Drama A faculty member once told me that there are three perpetual givens on college campuses: There is no parking, the campus food is horrible, and faculty morale has never been lower. For students and parents, the food issue crops up often. Having worked and lived on campus for nearly 40 years as a residential and student life professional, I ate on campus a LOT. I have visited a lot of campuses as well. Dining services have evolved and improved over that time, though listening to students and parents, one might not know it. Managing a campus dining program is really challenging. So is eating on campus day-after day as a student. As a parent, you may hear complaints from your student about the dining program. My advice: Listen, urge your students to manage it themselves, and then move on. I have seen many students and parents waste more time on this issue than almost any other. So, what are the issues? I used to frame the values for our dining programs as a starting point for building strong operations. Quality Food quality is a common complaint from students. I used to hear about food that was inedible. I found this complaint to be rare and often exaggerated. But I have tasted my own cooking. Most program are a far cry from the slab of meatloaf and greasy pizza era of old. If your student complains, go have a meal on campus with them when you visit, and see firsthand. I don’t know what students have been eating at home for 18 years – but one would think that parents out there are all master chefs. Get a realistic sense, if you can, by eating the food yourself. Variety Think of your favorite restaurant. Now thinking of eating there every day. Two or three times a day. At what point will you tire of the food? For students, finding variety can be a challenge, especially if there are dietary restrictions resulting from health and vegetarian or vegan diets. It is no surprise that for most students, they will say breakfast is their favorite meal in the dining hall. While there is not a lot of variety, these meals have the standbys students are familiar with from home: eggs, cereal, oatmeal, pastries, fruit, and yogurt. Lunch and dinner are trickier. Most dining programs offer options either on a rotating menu cycle, or have stations based on types of cuisine. This is where students can find variety that may keep them from getting bored. And think about your own cooking. Chances are, there are four to six go-to meal options at home. Perspective is important, and as a parent, try to help students explore options and be realistic about what their choices are. They may have more options than they did when they were under your care. Convenience For busy students, they often want to grab meals quickly and take them to go, especially between classes and activities. Before the personal technology boon, students were more likely to gather in dining locations and linger over meals. The social nature of dining is important for students, and you can still see crowds at meal times. Encourage students to dine with others, especially younger students. If they are too busy, however, help them look at what to-go options exist at the main dining hall. This may vary from all-you-care-to eat plans and ala carte plans. The former may have some restrictions on taking food out of the dining hall. There are likely several smaller to-go options throughout campus they can use. Value For those with busy schedules, those satellite campus options, usually food courts or name brands in student centers, and even libraries, can be ideal. Understand these may cost more and that the money is generally coming from flex dollars or personal funds – not the dining plan. Help students understand what kinds of meals to eat when and where to optimize their dollars. You don’t want them to leave a lot of dining hall dollars on the table. Health Perhaps the biggest change in dining services has been the increase in healthy options. I can tell you that while students clamor for these choices, and most programs oblige, these are the least used options in dining halls. Pizza, burgers, and pasta still reign supreme. Most dining halls offer vegetarian or vegan options, huge salad bars, and ways to modify meals with meatless options. For those with celiac disease, gluten-free lifestyles, and other specialty diets, have students speak to dining staff, including dieticians, to maximize quality and variety. What are the challenges for campus dining operations? Dining staffs face many, many challenges in offering quality programs. You get what you pay for In most cases, there can be a range in food quality based on the level of dining plans the institution signs on for. As you look at managing costs, meal plans can take a bite out of your wallet. Just remember all dining plans and programs are not the same. Have realistic expectations based on what you are paying. For me, as a parent, I simply encouraged my kids to use their plans effectively and then I stepped away. Make sure they have the money they need on their plans and let them manage from there. Students eat in waves Dining operations have to be staffed for the busy lunch and dinner periods. Students may wrap up their late morning and afternoon classes in clusters. This means the dining areas are packed, so there will be longer line and certain items may run out. Think of the challenge the staff faces in dealing with these significant daily rush periods and the impact on quality and variety. If you spend any time in a dining hall, witnessing these rush periods is instructive. Staff members have to ramp up, throttle down, and maintain products and services for the in-between times. Staffing shortages Now more than ever, it is really challenging to hire and keep strong staff members given the wages. When employees call in sick, managers must often step up, and this can have a cascading effect on the whole operation. Urge your student to understand these challenges. Many will as they often develop really good relationships with the employees serving them meals day in and day out. What else can you do? Back away I used to tell students and parents that generalized complaints to parents and on social media are ineffective. Urge your students to offer direct, specific, and timely feedback to dining staff members. If the food is bad, say something. Specifically, is the food poorly cooked, cold, or are portions out of whack? Students should express concerns to a front-line server or manager directly. They will usually fix the problem and may address it broadly for other diners. And make the feedback then and there. Talking about last week’s meal will yield few positive results. This can be hard for students who may not want to offend workers. But it is a disservice in the long run, leading to global and non-specific complaints about dining. The best thing you can do is coach your student to advocate for their own needs. It is an important life skill. They can’t just not go back to this restaurant. They are stuck with it. We used to offer meals with dining managers and forums for feedback on our campus. These were lightly attended in proportion to general complaints. This frustrated dining staffs and was ineffective for students. Understand and purchase the appropriate plan If you learn nothing else, understand the difference between the main dining hall and plan and the flex and bonus bucks plans. Go light on the meal plan You probably know this, but at a certain point the meal plan gets locked in and can’t be changed. You can always add money to dining dollars, but will almost never get money back that isn’t used. Talk to your student about budgeting Some dining programs even have calculators on their web pages for students to determine how many meals or dollars they should use weekly or even daily. It isn’t your job to budget, but urge your student to do this so they maximize the money you are investing in their meals. Look at the campus dining webpage You will often find meal options published. It will help you respond to your student if they say there is no variety. You can often see firsthand what is available when. At least you will know, and you can potentially suggest they branch out from their go-to selections. Use campus convenience stores for emergencies Students and parents may bemoan the high prices, but these are no different than corner stores or airport kiosks. Customers, including students, are a captive audience. The best way to get grocery store prices is to go to grocery stores. Summary Complaints about dining food are as old as college campuses. Save your angst and energy about this. Let your student grouse. Coach them, do some of your own research on-line or in person during visits. Help them be responsible stewards of dining funds. Then, heat up your fish sticks and think about how much you would appreciate your own dining program.