ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I have many to thank for their roles in my journey from a Hall Director to an Interim and Associate VP. and shaping me as a professional and person. So I acknowledge some of those people here. Apologies for those I have missed:

To Susan Winter, Rich Egley, Coleen Grissom, and Felicia Lee, who served as mentors and offered me their guidance, leadership, and friendship. 

To all of the colleagues I worked with in Student Affairs/Student Life over the years. So many hall directors, area coordinators, assistant and associate directors, to mention some. These people were my people. We shared incredible challenges, successes, and traumas. I could fill a book, but want to shout out Jeff Janz, Rhonda Viney, Peg Layton, Karen Pennington, Pete Neville, Katharine Martin, Gary Neal, Richard Reams, Betty Curry, Stephen Nickle, Ankita Rakhe, Edwin Blanton, JaNay Queen, Brian Hirsch, Twyla Hough, Raphael Moffett, Ben Newhouse, Alex Serna-Wallender, Jamie Thompson, Wanda Olson, Clara Wells, Megan Kruse, Sheryl Tynes, Gage Paine, and Thurman Adkins. And maybe one hundred more.

To those who endured me in a support role, including Bonnie Trabucco, Brenda Black, Lynette Kenyon, Kris Weese, Merideth Ruiz, Leslie Orman, Ruby Contreras, Christina Castillo, and Yvonne Gonzalez. 

To all of the colleagues I worked with outside of Student Affairs. These people endured my bossiness, persistence, and successful and unsuccessful attempts at humor. Especially in meetings. These include, but are in no way limited to, John Greene, Paul Chapa, Pete Perez, Melvin McGarity, Tim O'Sullivan, Andrew Hanson, Steve DiPrima, Cory Bourg, Charles Gonzalez, Paul McGinlay, Christina Pikla, Denise Covert, Bob King and his coaching staff, Fred Rodriguez, Fred Zapata, Chris Nolan, Eric Maloof, Justin Doty, Chris Ellertson, Aspen, Gonzalez, Ruben Duprtuis, Dennis Massey, Bruce Bravo, and so, so many more.

To the Trinity faculty as a whole. So many times I leaned on them to serve on committees, participate in programs, and offer there expertise. What is more, when I was working with students in distress, I knew I could talk to professors who would do everything possible to give student individual attention and support. Professor John Hermann once, of his own volition, decided to drive a student halfway to Houston to connect that student with family. 

To Rick Roberts. 

To the presidents, all of whom were very good to me and my family: Ron Calgaard, John Brazil, Dennis Ahlburg, Mike Fischer, and Danny Anderson. 

To my compadres in the Associated Colleges of the South. Deans-Like-Me gathered annually to discuss out lives in parallel universes. Some include Brit Katz, Carol Casey, Randy Hays, Steve Bisese, Jerry Brody, Tom Shandley, Dawn Watkins, Len Goldberg, Harry Shucker, and Dudley Long. 

To all of those who played noonball and IM basketball under the name of The Administrators with me. These names are memorialized on a plaque in the Bell Center citing the Noonball Hall of Fame of Basketball. I think immediately of Maury Eggen, Phil Blum, Mark Lewis, and of course, Taz. Likewise, to all of the students, faculty, and staff members who participated in my Running With the Dean program and the Dean of Students Half Marathon Challenge and Kayla Mire food drive - nearly 1,000 people in all. 

To the Dog Jurgens.

To all of the parents of Trinity University students. In various eras we communicated over list-servs and other formats and we met in receptions, at orientations, when students were in trouble, and when students were troubled. I have to acknowledge Kevin Reinis, Katie Byrnes, and Robert Foye. I always loved working with our parents, and it wasn't always easy for many of us. But the investment of time, money, and emotional energy was something I hopefully always respcted. Thank you or everything and apologies as well. 

To the Trinity alumni. So many who I met as students have turned into really good lifelong friends. Without fail, regardless of our reasons for meeting, positive or negative, I feel like when we enjoy one another or meet in fly-bys, we always connect around our shared experiences. I have hugged it out with more alumni who I oversaw their firing or suspensions than I can count. A

Likewise, to the students. The reason why I did what I did. I like to think I was student-centered, in small individual ways, and in administrative and policy decision-making. The members of ASR, SGA, Student Court, Student Conduct Board, those who served as the wonderful Resident Assistants of Trinity University, and all of our awesome babysitters. I love you all for our time in the trenches and lifelong relationships. And to the many students who were so bright, fun, engaging, and touched my life in ways big and small. And finally to the souls we lost among them. 

To the Hall Director staff at SUNY New Paltz who let me in and brought me joy, includiung Christine Wilson, Teresa Brown, Robin Parr, Rachel Harris, Britt Lindhom, Fatima deCarvalho, Patrick Tremblay, Patrick Eye, and Jeanine Belton.

To Brit Katz abd the team at Southwestern University who brought me on as an Interim VP for Student Life. It was the perfect encore and curtain call and gave me my mojo back. Shelley Story, Bri Pierce, Evan Alexander, Col Roche, Anna Castillo, Jeff Doyle, Malissa Ismaila, Sergio, Ron Swain, Stefanie Alvarez, and Sonia Miranda. I loved our year together. You were so committed, so good, and so damn fun.

To the Southwestern faculty and staff who accepted me in my interim arole fter my Trinity retirement. I loved my staff colleagues and the faculty members, as at Trinity, were outstanding. 

And finally, to my wife, Donna Tuttle. She married a Residential Life Coordinator and ended up with an Associate VP and Dean of Students. She moved to Texas, worked part-time and raised the kids while I worked and was away at many weekend and nighttime activities and crises. Not sure she anticipated all that. 

She had to pretend to be interested when people said good things about me. She supported me when they were mean. She sacrificed and lived on campus (for 30 years) where she raised our family. She was, and is, the foundation of the family including four children and now a few grandchildren. She helped me when my confidence and self-doubt were at my lowest. That was a lot of times and often very traumatic. I love her so much.

There is no me without all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

THE END

Dean Grissom made a living of being an outstanding orator and writer. I had things to say, but could never do it her way, so I didn't.

As a Dean of Students I thought the worst thing I could do was be unknown to students. Overseeing the RAs, advising student government, and running the student conduct boards gave me a running start. The Dean of Students Half Marathon Challenge was another way to meet groups of students as was the Grief Group. I also had endless encounters with students going through highs and lows and built many strong and lasting relationships with the as they are now alumni.

I wanted something else, though. So I started by writing columns in the Trinitonian. Dr. Grissom once made a remark about them that made me think she didn't like them. I think it may have been my writing skills, but some things are better left alone, so I never asked.

I did several TV shows on Tiger TV including The YASR Show and Who Sole That Train. The former a live call in show, still in the era of landlines. (Somewhat relatedly, for the future though, I recorded video interviews with several Trinity elders. I hope these are uncovered one day in the bowels of University Archives -- currently their whereabouts are unknown.) 

I felt like I hit my stride with the Dean's List blog. I could tell the Trinity story my way, and informally. Perhaps when another volume tome of Trinity University is written (probably by a robot) the blog will provide some unique and unofficial perspectives. After retiring, I did some writing for parent publications and have preserved those as well

So, I have archived my Trinitonian posts, my blog, parent articles, some pieces related to my departure, and even my resume, in four separate volumes, which I have for now. (Two volumes gifted to me by my staff when I retired, a third volume that includes missed posts and parent articles, and a fourth with my Trinitonian columns and glory pieces (about leaving). These will go to my son Nathan one day, and maybe, if anyone else cares, to the Trinity University library. He'll know what to do.

I am grateful to the presidents and vice presidents (save one) who allowed me the freedom and space to write about hat I wanted to, the way I wanted to. I am grateful to my staff, who offered abundant technical support. I owe much to my many friends and colleagues who proofread my posts (some ultimately not published as a result, and some seriously altered.) I am forever grateful to my wife Donna, a journalism and english savant. Like Dr. Grissom, I am not sure she loved me doing this and laying myself (and my family and others) bare with transparency, vulnerability, and authenticity. She never let me off the hook with her opinions and told me what I didn't want to hear on many occasions. As with everything else in our relayionship, she knew what I needed. She saved me from myself.

Finally, I want to acknowledge everyone who let me write about them and their stories - most often about  resilience and redemption. Professor Bob Blystone, on his retirement once responded to some glowing statement I made about Trinity University. He said "What is Trinity University? It isn't real. It's the people here that are real and make this place what it is." 

Thank you, Trinity University.  

Rest in Peace Coleen Grissom

January 9, 1934 - January 28, 2024

Dr. Coleen Grissom was there for me at the beginning, at Trinity University, and I was humbled to be there for her, at the end, as one of her eulogists, following her passing in 2024. My remarks are below.

The final time I spoke to Coleen was when I called last month to wish her a happy birthday. We got into a bit of a disagreement over how old she was. She won, of course, but for the first time, I think, I was right.

It doesn’t matter. I always thought she was the same age, from the day I met her, until the day she died. That’s why even though everybody dies, I just always figured she would get an exception. Coleen often used to quote Mark Twain, saying: I hate it when people say nice things about me, because it is never enough.

Well, Coleen, I’ve been given three minutes. As you’d say: “I better get crackin’.” Funny that we never ever said it to one another, but Coleen and I really loved each other. I also always suspected she loved my wife, Donna, even more, because, well, that’s what she regularly told me. Mind you, Donna’s favorite Coleen quote was: Men, you can’t live with them – so I don’t.

My personal friend, my professional mentor, I worked with Coleen for over ten years and was her friend for over 30. Indeed, I was hired by her twice and promoted by her twice. The second time she hired me was in 1994 after a two-year hiatus. I often spoke of the poor, poor soul who would unwittingly have to follow Dean Grissom in her rather large footsteps. In 1999 she called me into her office and said she would be stepping down in a year and promoting me to Dean of Students. As a savvy professional, my response was what one would expect. I said: “But I don’t want to be the Dean of Students.” Our negotiations were brief. She simply said: “It will be fine.” And it mostly was.

Dr. Grissom was the most influential mentor in my life. In my work, I live by her values about being authentic, transparent, and vulnerable. Other things she role modeled, or taught me, included being comfortable with ambiguity, taking safe risks, being assertive, when to use humor (a work in progress), the importance of expressing gratitude, and of course, and maybe most importantly, eschewing the passive voice.

She was mission and student centered – and if you wanted to work for her, you better darn well be too. Most impressively, Dr. Grissom was a social justice champion well before her time. In her speeches to parents of incoming students, she would often say: if you are narrow-minded, racist, sexist, or homophobic – and junior is a chip off the old block – then maybe this isn’t the right place for him or you.

Coleen loved people or made them think she did. She knew how to get almost anything done -- or to let someone overcharge her to do it. If you were lucky enough to be seated as a guest at a dinner table with Coleen, it was a relief, as you knew you wouldn’t have to do any of the conversational lifting.

In the first full staff meeting of the division I ever attended, the icebreaker from Dean Grissom was to have the veterans go around and offer a word of advice on how to best work with her. Pete Neville said: “Just remember, whenever Coleen is joking, she is also telling the truth.”

I wish someone had also warned to never say to her “can I give you some feedback.” When I did that, the only time, early in my career, she simply said: “Do I seem like someone who takes feedback?” Noted. But I do think we got along so well, because by-and-large, we agreed about everything.

We all know that Dr. Grissom was an exceptional orator. She told me more than once that she used to feel like throwing up before every speech. I trust her on that, though I can’t believe it. She worked for hours, pouring over every word, phrase, sentence, and detail. And she practiced. A lot. She knew she was good. Whenever I complimented her on her speeches, she would often reply: “I’m something, aren’t I?”

When she told me she was writing a book with all of her speeches, and then published two follow-ups, I thought it was a bit of hubris at the time, but of course she knew what she was doing. Coleen took a little bit from each of us, and gave us so much in return. These books see to that. I am so grateful for them. At one point she said to me, in compiling her speeches “who did I think I was?” But then she laughed. She knew.

I can say confidently, that bar none, she was the wittiest person I have ever known. Coleen would often narrate her thoughts, such as: “I’m at least somewhat bright, have a sensational sense of humor, and terrific hair.”

I saved some of my favorite notes and emails she sent me while I worked for her. Here are just a few things she wrote me:

 - In responding to an email draft I wrote: “I would urge you to make these final corrections in grammar: one does not begin noun clauses with subordinating conjunctions… (this went on for a while). I think you should use “I” instead of “we” in all those sentences following paragraph two, which should be “us” as with the last paragraph. Gee, I think it would have taken less time for me to write this myself.”

- And again, having not learned my lesson, she made it even clearer, in her edits to me: “At the very end, since you do not have a tapeworm and are not pregnant, use I instead of we.”

- Another: “Sandy dropped me off early to the movie so I had to loiter around the theater and was afraid people would think I was a prostitute – instead I was mistaken for a homeless person. But that’s another story.”

- And finally, she always closed her speeches with some quotes from others, so I chose these. Doing this, by the way, is not my drift, so apologies for my poor cadence. But these are for her after all:

-  From CS Lewis, this is a quote she often cited: “Use French when you don’t know the English word for a thing. Walk with your toes out, and remember who you are.” (I had to have her explain that to me more than one, by the way.)

-  From Author Margaret Atwood about Coleen: “If more were like her the world would be a much better-read place It would also be funnier, smarter, more compassionate, and dare I say, even quirkier than it is. Everyone who knows Ms. Grissom has been improved by the experience. Though not always in the ways they expected.”

- From Keep Me in Your Heart by Warren Zevon
Shadows are fallin’ and I’m running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There’s a train leavin’ nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for a while

- Last, from the conclusion of her farewell speech as an administrator to colleagues in April 2000:

“So here it comes, once more with feeling y’all: don’t you dare run off screaming into the woods. Hang in. Learn to laugh at absurdity. Don’t let anyone make you a victim, don’t perceive yourself as a victim, and don’t you dare victimize anyone else. Become, for God’s sake all that you are capable of being. Keep yourself from taking that dreadful plunge off that cliff and while you are at it, keep an eye out for others and assist them when you can. I will always hope and pray that you will take with you, when you leave this place, Trinity University, a healthy respect and belief in yourself as well as respect for others, even those very different from you. I am hoping you will become a good writer and a true friend. I am counting on it. Lord how I love this place. I thank you. I love you. I wish you all Godspeed.”

Parent Article: Conversation starters

I recently had a great conversation with my daughter when she came home from college for a visit. I tried this new craze among parents, often referred to as “listening.” This can be hard as a parent. If you are anything like me, and I hope you are not, it is much easier to unburden yourself by passing your parental to-do list to your student: Register for classes, find a place to live next year, get a summer job, get good grades, get an internship, and most importantly, clean your room. You only get one shot sometimes as they head out the door.

As you prepare for your student to be home for the summer, even if it is just a little while, consider making your to-do list things that matter more to them. When I listened to my daughter, I found that this teenager was actually growing, slowly but surely, into a self-actualized adult. It was good for her, and better for me.

The best way to do this is to ask a handful of meaningful questions. Doing this over a meal at a restaurant is a good idea. They can’t escape, and a meal has a cadence that you can use to your advantage! You will find that this will be less like an interview and more like a conversation as the more they say, the more you will want to follow-up on.

“What have you learned in your classes?”
There can be many variations of this. What was your favorite class? Who was your favorite instructor? What was the most impactful? I like knowing how they feel about what they learned. Their formal education is the commodity that you, and others, are paying for. And you can tell from the twinkle in their eye the things that get them excited and are leading to new passions.

“What are you learning from activities, and are they fun?”
Both of these things matter. My daughter has an internship, and she loves it. It isn’t just the tasks she loves. She loves that the people there have given her opportunities as she has gained their trust. What is more, she has learned that not all supervisors and co-workers are created equal. She now knows that people can manage with flexibility, compassion, and maturity – things that were new to her. Whether sports, music, drama, clubs, internships, or work, find out what your student is learning outside of the classroom and how they feel about it. This will give you a glimpse into those areas that will truly impact their experiences. And you may want to explore how they feel about their role, either as follower, team member, or leader. These will be life lessons. And if they are doing something JUST for their resume, challenge that. This usually is empty for the student and others with whom they are interacting.

“Who are the students you are closest to these days?”
The first friends are often not the last ones at college. Students often latch onto those they live near or with initially. As they spend more time on campus, they meet others from classes and activities. As they progress, they will find their people, the ones with whom they share passions, interests, and values. And you can learn a lot about how they are socially by asking about who they hang with, what they like about them, and what they do. And they will want to share and probably be surprised that this matters to you. And it should. This can be a terrific window into their hearts.

“How do you think people see you and what feedback have you gotten?”
This might make them a little vulnerable, but it can be incredibly meaningful. Of course, you need to reinforce that how they are and how they perceive themselves matters most. But you can learn a lot, and it helps them to reflect on themselves, if you ask about this. It can be reassuring for them to articulate that people like to be with them, appreciate their work, call on them in class, assign them more duties, and invite them places. It can also help them to see where maybe they can tweak some things to show they are engaged, get along well with others and can reach their social and relational potential.

“How are you different now than you were a year ago?”
Hopefully the answer will be “so different.” This is not to say that their core values will have changed. You kind of want them to be how you raised them, right? But in many cases, their values will have grown, and they will see the world with more nuance. This can be the beauty of college and is the somewhat invisible learning that matters as much as the formal and informal. It is surely fertile ground. Beyond their values, they will have evolved in terms of how they see others. They will know what kind of people are real and bring substance – or just plain fun – into their lives. They will learn what inspires them, what they like, and how they want to focus their careers or further education. And they will learn that they can make it on their own. Of course, they need you. But they are becoming independent, confident, and finding meaning in their lives.

Lastly, while it would be nice if everything was going well, if you learn that things aren’t all rosy, then you have struck gold as well. How can they get more out of their experiences? Are they in the right major? Can they find other ways to meet people? Can they get to the gym, volunteer, eat better, join a totally different club than they normally would, apply for RA, and take other safe risks? If you can’t help them navigate this, seeing a person on campus or a counselor may help them dig deeper. So, this listening thing... It can help you be a better and more informed parent. It can help your student see you as someone they can talk to about most anything. And don’t worry, you can still tell them to pick up after themselves. There will be plenty of opportunities. Believe me.

Parent Article: Covid Generation

Over the winter break I came down with a manageable case of Covid. While concerned for me, my college student -- home for the break -- was more fixated on its impact on her, and her scheduled return to college out-of-town. I found breakfast outside of my quarantine space, less out of love or ambition, I think, but more to keep me at bay. Long texts scolding me for my selfishness whenever I DID venture out were not uncommon – though someone had to walk the dog! (Generation Z students love to give feedback.)

Being a parent is hard, not just because of the challenges our students pose, but more so, because of the ones they face. It has become increasingly difficult over the past 10 to 15 years as this generation of students deals with staggering and intensifying mental health issues. Gun violence, racial strife, and political upheaval have exacerbated the crisis. Add the twin threats of the pandemic and climate change, and this is a generation of young people on the brink.

Unfortunately, recent global events may be resurrecting fears of worldwide conflict as yet another major crisis that will create incredible stress and anxiety for all of us, including our students. I have dealt with these issues as a parent of several college students and as a student life administrator for over three decades. We want to protect, to leave a better world, and ensure the happiness and success of our children.

Various historical events have shaped the experiences of many generations (WWII, the Kennedy assassination, 9/11 – to name a few). For me, the threat of nuclear war in the late Cold War era is an apt parallel. Unquestionably, the current generation of students will one day be considered the Covid Generation. Of course, this cohort of students is technically the aforementioned Generation Z (born 1997-2012, and they make up today’s traditional-aged college students. Most of us have watched as “normal” learning and milestones have been torn from them over a sustained period of time.

This pandemic has been tragic on global, national, local, and deeply personal levels. People have died and suffered in horrible and lingering ways. Everyone has been impacted in one way or another: worn a mask, had plans change, quarantined, washed the groceries, and experienced some anxiousness.

For my daughter, having any control over her return to campus, as well as not having another experience ripped from her, was understandably a priority. Climate change is no longer a far-off concept of doom and gloom. Its impact is having an effect on day-to-day lives of many on the planet as ice caps melt, sea levels rise, temperatures climb or fall to extremes, and severe weather challenges the eco-system.

How will today’s challenges shape their psyches, personalities, and relationships over time? Sociologists, psychologists, researchers, and historians will study this and deliver appropriate answers one day. But we can’t wait that long. So, what can we, as parents understand and do to try to help our students come out of these incredibly challenging and unprecedented global crises?

I spoke with Dr. Daniel Lopez, Clinical Psychologist, in San Antonio for this piece, and he offers a glimpse into what our students are dealing with.

Helplessness and Hopelessness
Dr. Lopez believes the pandemic and climate change are overwhelming young people in extreme ways. “It is a big challenge to not become helpless and hopeless.” “Covid has changed everyone’s experience, younger people in particular” says Lopez, who works a lot with Gen Z. “They are having real challenges, having events and activities postponed, seeing fewer opportunities as companies freeze or delay hiring for their particular skillsets.” Indeed, this generation has lost out on milestones, like graduations, entering college with unbridled optimism knowing that “spikes” can send or keep them home. What is more, “The challenge around climate change and impact on their future is on their minds. Many come in and are concerned about what the future holds. It can make them feel unsteady. For these younger people, it’s much like 9/11, only on grander scale.”

Normalcy and Trust
Like those who grow up in alcoholic families, today’s students don’t really know what “normal” is. They have been forced to pivot, adapt, and repeat. Additionally, they have experienced an “erosion in trust” according to Dr. Lopez. Young people witnessing a lack of tangible action related to climate change and “the disruption in democracy” may find it difficult to trust those around them, those who are in positions of authority and decision-making. Dr. Lopez also deals with those who are grieving the losses of loved ones to Covid and these losses take on an added dimension. “Beyond loss, there is worry that Covid can infect and take the lives of anyone, anytime. And this reality has added a heightened vulnerability for many.”

“Establishing trust in oneself, having confidence can be quite difficult” says Dr. Lopez. “To help those experiencing a crisis of confidence, we sometimes review their past experiences (evidence-based reasoning) to remind them of previous successes encountering and mastering challenges. This process often helps create more certainty and confidence moving forward.” Dr. Lopez notes that the “sense of normalcy is disrupted and unpredictable.” He notes that clients wonder if “this is the new normal.”

Moving Forward
So how does Dr. Lopez work to pull people back from the abyss, and how can we do the same? “It is important to develop mindfulness skills, teaching people to stay present. People sometimes futurize and worry about things well beyond their control. This is often called negative prognostication, and it can immobilize individuals. It is very helpful to encourage a focus on what can be done, today.” Dr. Lopez also works with clients on calming techniques. “Using visualization strategies, such as imagining a calm peaceful place, can help,” he says. “We often develop and rehearse a script for when people start to feel anxious: Breathing, grounding, using their senses…”

What can parents do?
How will this Covid and Climate generation be defined? Nobody knows. What we can do is try to mitigate some of the emotional devastation by building trust and striving for normalcy.

* “People look to their closest relationships and feel support there in very personal ways” notes Dr. Lopez. As family members, striving for consistency, support, and yes, normalcy, can go a long way. Relationships with other young people is really important, too, says Dr. Lopez. “Younger people were already connecting via social media and gaming, and these activities have been of help to many in supporting them through isolation.”

* People in general are more vulnerable to their own emotions, says Dr. Lopez. “Because of collective stress, people are shorter with their frustration – as we are seeing on airlines or in reports of road rage. These are symptoms of emotional stress.” Identifying ways to reduce stress, through mindfulness, exercise, and health can be important for day-to-day stability.

* Where possible, identify areas where young people can have control. There can be small wins through involvement in social and political movements and larger successes through careers and leadership in government and business.

* Acknowledge and discuss the many challenges students are facing. They are thinking about their own futures and the collective and greater good. So, talk about these things with them. Parents and family members should share their own concerns and fears and validate that this is all very real.

* This generation is more comfortable with counseling and therapy than those in the past. Encouraging young people to explore their feelings in depth with professionals is really important.

* And finally, try to offer hope. “Young people are wondering: Will I have to wear a mask forever? Is this ever going to end?” says Dr. Lopez. Offering hope that things will get better and that we can survive may be the best thing we can offer.

For my student, who was packing to return to campus, being able to go back without delay provided consistency, normalcy, and for goodness sakes – a little bit of joy. She and others in this generation has certainly earned that.

Parent Post: Closing Time

Remember all of the excitement of moving your student into the residence halls last summer? The move-out experience will probably be much different in the weeks ahead. Because of uncommon exam schedules, students trickle out over a period of several days, unlike the tightly scheduled move-in day. There simply can’t be the fanfare, staff availability, and volunteer assistance that was there at move-in. And on the heels of finals, students are tired, not amped up.

Be prepared
As someone who oversaw closing on campus over a period of decades, I can tell you it’s not just the students who are tired and a bit stressed. Aside from RA training, opening, and orientation, nothing is more time consuming than residence hall check-out for the staff. It is grueling. For student staff, they are also dealing with all of the post exam transitions of other students. Plus, they are scheduling check-outs, tracking down students, and performing inventory and damage assessments. It is demanding and exhausting. So, what can you expect around closing?

Get in their heads
Your student may have just gone through a year of great growth and development. They have learned exciting new things and met dynamic new people. They are transitioning into adulthood. Besides the stress of finals and other projects, they have recently had to make housing arrangements for next year, have had to register for fall classes, and needed to plan what they will be doing this summer – and where. In addition, they may not want to go back home. They may already be there. Students are leaving new friends and their new campus homes. Back to rules, chores, and parental oversight. Relax. It’s not you. It’s them.

They aren’t like you
You are organized and efficient. You plan ahead. You even think about what you will eat this week, oil changes, and retirement. Your student is wondering what they will wear at the last party they will go to before summer. If they were like you are now, their rooms would be packed and cleaned. What were you like at their age? You can’t blame them in many ways. They have been in survival mode and running on fumes the last couple of weeks. What they see as important and you see as important probably doesn’t match.
 
Think about the housing folks
Housing and residential life staff love what they do. And they love students. But after a long year of managing crises, maintaining order, and planning events, the break is welcome to them. Their hope (expectation may be too strong) is that students leave rooms as they found them. The campus is likely on a tight schedule to turnaround the buildings for summer occupancy. There is little time for cleaning and maintenance. They definitely prefer to end on a high note with students rather than billing them for damages and cleaning.

How can you encourage your student to have a smooth transition out of the residence halls?

Set some of your own expectations
Let your students know, well in advance, that while it is not a priority for them now, that they need to start thinking about their move-out experience. The big question issue is dealing with all of their stuff (you know, the things you bought them last summer!) Do they need storage? Are they bringing items home? Are they staying in their new town, but need to move items? These things need attention now. And you can help them make some decisions. No doubt, it will be easier for you if they have their acts together.

Encourage them, as well, to start packing a little at a time days before check-out
They will need to start scrounging for boxes, pulling out suitcases, and most importantly, start deciding what can be pitched and what they keep. If you aren’t far away, perhaps a trip to campus a week early to move out some items may be worth everyone’s time.

Set some more expectations around cleaning
Trash removal is the most important aspect of closing for students. Ask your student to pay attention to bulletin boards and newsletters that explain where to put their trash (as well as to schedule their check-out times). Often, there will be donation stations and dumpsters placed in the area. It isn’t the staff’s job to clear the room of waste. It also makes it more challenging to assess any legitimate damages.

If your student is the first out of the room, they need to take care of business and talk to the remaining roommate about doing the same. When the RA checks them out, their side of the room and public areas should be clean. If your student is the last one out, then they likely bear the burden of having the room in top condition. A cleaning crew will be going through the building, so it doesn’t require a deep clean. But the expectation will be that it should be clean enough that the custodial staff need not defrost Microfridges, remove tape from the walls, or empty drawers.

They don’t want your money. They want your cooperation.
You have no idea how tedious room damage appeals can be. Often there is a disconnect between what the parent sees on the bill and what the student tells them about how they left their room. Staff does not want to be in conflict with you. They like you! The iPhone has helped alleviate contentious issues in recent years. Pictures sent to an angry parent can often help them in redirecting that anger. In many cases, the cleaning charges are set more as a deterrent than to recover money.

Damages are a different story and parts and labor may be charged back to the student. While wear and tear can be expected, repairing blinds, holes in walls, and stained carpets can be tedious to repair, especially with the time crunch.

Remember how you expect the rooms to look in the fall? Picture that when thinking of how your student should leave the room in the spring. In summary, when cooler heads are expected to prevail, you are likely the cooler heads. Students and staff are under pressure, stressed, emotional, and tired. Help your student understand all of these dynamics, set expectations, and see how you can assist with logistics. The smoother the move-out process, the sooner you can focus on their transitions back home for the summer. And that will take some emotional energy.

Parent Article: The Truth About Hazing

I used to go back-and-forth with a local sportscaster who, each season, gleefully reported on a local team’s hazing tradition of new rookies. Harmless, he said. Lighten up, he scolded. In truth, this hazing was low-level and out in the open. However, the attempts to normalize hazing, and even laud it as mere shenanigans, was dangerous because it glorified the hazing culture.

That culture, often (though not exclusively) a toxic male one, can be dangerous, and has even been deadly. At minimum, with the levels of anxiety that young people experience, negatively being put in the spotlight can have devastating effects. As a former dean of students, I dealt with this issue frequently.

While hazing is often associated with fraternities and sororities and athletic teams, I saw it in other groups, including, debate, drama, service clubs, and more. Often, hazing rituals are passed on as traditions. In the business, we call them habits. Bad ones. As a parent, what do you need to know?

Defining Hazing
Hazing is typically any behavior that can create physical/mental/emotional pain, ridicule, or embarrassment, and is expected as a condition of membership. While hazing activities are sometimes presented as optional, they typically are not. The draw to be accepted n a group can be so strong, that people will put themselves in danger simply to belong.

Conditions for hazing
Think of the dynamics in your family, in your career, at places of worship, and in organizations and associations. None of these (should) feature hazing. There is no reason that it should be acceptable in high schools and colleges. What is more, hazing is often done in secrecy, at night, off-campus (or in houses), and is being conducted under the direction of 20-year-olds with tacit power and control. What could go wrong. To consider this in simple terms, keep two main things in mind when identifying hazing behaviors.

First, hazing often puts others in subservient positions. New members may be required to do homework or others, clean their residences, buy and deliver meals, and more. This has nothing to do with qualifications to be in the group. It is simply about a person in power taking advantage of a person with none.

Second, hazing is almost always unrelated to conditions of membership. That is, running several miles, drinking shots of alcohol, or wearing demeaning costumes has nothing to do with that student being an effective member of the organization. Doing push-ups, unless training for an intramural tea, probably has nothing to do with being a good sorority member. Again, hazing activities have no direct connection with membership.

What to do if you suspect your student is being hazed
First, ensure that your student is physically safe. That could mean coaching them out of harms way, including avoiding questionable activities. Suggest that your student take the club up on the activity as optional. What is more, the only way hazing can be effective is if the group accepts it. I used to encourage new members as a group to simply not engage. The team or organization needs these new members to exist and grow. Unfortunately, students almost never seized the power. They would rationalize that it was almost over, they didn’t want to make waves, etc. As a parent, help your student really consider the ludicrous nature of hazing. Discuss the aforementioned conditions for hazing.

Second, report hazing to a campus official, usually the dean of students. In most cases, there are state laws against hazing and that require it be reported, by those in groups doing the hazing, by others aware of it, and by campus administrators who are required to investigate.

When reporting hazing, think about the impact on your student. I would like to say that you are doing the right thing and protecting your student and others. However, retaliation can be real and the threat of ostracism will weigh on your student. It is real. Your child went to you because they were upset and because they wanted support from someone they trust. Discuss what you can do and what you can’t with your student. Your student can file a report or you can. You can be anonymous in most cases. Just understand that you will need to offer specific information if the university is to investigate allegations. This information can “out” your student as the one reporting, so be cautious about what you disclose.

Sometimes just talking to someone seeking guidance from their perspective can be enough to get them to take notice and start asking questions.

What to do if your student may be in a position to haze
Rather than relying on victims of hazing to take on the onus of confronting it, ideally, students in positions of leadership can be pressed upon to break the cycle of hazing. I have seen too many times the cycle of new members vowing to stop hazing on their watch. They often go up against second-year members who like the power and go all-in on hazing. Then, by their last year in the club they are not even focused on it anymore.

So, what can you do? If you have a student in a leadership role, review your campus hazing policies and state laws. Share those with your student, who is probably being trained on campus and may even be signing non-hazing agreements. Mostly though, appeal to their values of treating others well and keeping them safe.

In conclusion
If you want to break your heart, do an internet search for college hazing incidents. The problem is, once these things are addressed, students move-on, and new students come in, hear the lore, and repeat the process anew. Institutions have to be vigilant in an effort to keep your students safe. Help them by knowing the policy and law and by having important discussions with your student. And if you are worried you are over-reacting, consider this. Where there is a little hazing visible, there is probably a lot behind-the-scenes.

Parent Article: Making the Grade

Students sometimes have a natural obsession with grades that drive them – and instructors – a little crazy. From the perspective of institutions and the faculty, grades validate and reflect the mastery of topics and courses. Indeed, except in courses requiring daily work, many instructors assign only a handful of projects and exams to determine this level of competence. For faculty, the course content and the student’s relationship with it are what matter most. Students have been conditioned to connect their worth and success to only the grades assigned to their work. This can create angst and stress, but also contributes to the question that teachers bemoan: “Will it be on the test?” College educators want students to love their subjects as much as they do! Families want their students to get the most out of the experience and get good grades. More viscerally, parents want to know that the significant investment being made in the student’s education is worth it, plainly and simply, is grades.

Marks also tend to show whether or not the student is balancing work, social life, and health and wellness with academics. It’s true that grades matter, but it’s also true that the college experience is so much bigger than that. So how do family members broach the subject of grades in ways that don’t lead to defensiveness? Here are some things to consider:

1. First term grades come with an asterisk
For many students, managing freedom, becoming independent, and figuring out how it works can take time. Lower grades than desired can be normal the first time out. If there are not other significant factors in play, students will usually self-correct. On the other hand, some introductory or first year level courses and seminars may be easier to allow students to ease into college without decimating transcripts. Things may become more difficult, which is fine. Focus on what went right and celebrate the wins. Look to the future: What will the student keep doing or do differently? (Where and when they study, how often, and with whom are good things to chat about.) What do the next semester courses look like? What led to some of the lower marks and what can be corrected? Where can they find help on campus?

2. Poor grades may reflect a larger issue
Perhaps the student is unhappy with their school choice or isn’t fitting in yet. There may be more serious issues related to mental health, challenging relationships, pressure to make money as well as be a student, or general uncertainty about the future and the world we live in. Maybe they are partying and using substances in ways that are incongruent with their goals, and yours. Look for what has changed. Ask the hard questions. And be willing to listen without judgment. Be open to hearing a lot about how they feel. Know they may not know why they are having those feelings. It is also not the end of the world to explore them taking a break from college for a short while.

3. Pre-requisites and may impact grades
Faculty don’t like the term “weed-out classes” as a rule. They aren’t wrong. Some fields, especially STEM, require the foundational building of complex concepts and knowledge. Though the result may be the same, students have to demonstrate they can cut it earlier, rather than later in chemistry, biology, calculus, and more. Regardless of the year, considering whether or not the student has the talent, passion, and drive in certain areas is important. Certainly, we have missed out on some great doctors because biochemistry is so difficult. But grades are measurable credentials that help identify those with the strongest potentials for success. Deciding if and when it is time to change course should be an ongoing and candid discussion.

4. Liberal arts and core curriculum courses may not inspire
At times, students will question the core curriculum and courses unrelated to their majors. Remember, the goal for institutions is to develop educated people who demonstrate a breadth of knowledge and depth in specific areas. So, yes, some courses may not seem to matter, but they are part of learning that develop expertise, inspire curiosity, and create strong writers, public speakers, problem-solvers, and decision-makers. And who knows? Many have switched to majors after intro courses have unlocked a hidden passion. You will see it over time. Your student will start to challenge the validity of information, form cohesive arguments, become more articulate and confident, and know a lot. Encourage them by affirming that you are investing in their future and creating productive global citizens.

5. Grades should be peaking as students get further into majors Though it was years ago, my grades took off once I went further into my major. I had the interest and passion and was building the aforementioned depth required. If you don’t see the grades being consistent or on the rise, it might be because of the course rigor. It might be because there is some ambivalence about the major. That is probably worth exploring. Grades are often most important for the first job as well as getting into graduate and professional schools post-graduation. Excelling and managing transcripts are important. Keep focused on other signs of growth and maturity as well. Students will often report that some of the best lessons learned at college were outside the classroom -- and not quantifiable by grades. They aren’t wrong. Help them see what is most important for their majors and careers as well as their personal lives. Good grades and transformative experiences aren’t mutually-exclusive.

Parent Article: Stay or Go

If you ever have purchased a car, you had to make multiple decisions: price, horsepower, color, accessories, fuel economy, etc. Often the process ends like this: Going with what feels like the best and most reasonable choice. And, usually, it works out. Sometimes, it doesn’t: Why did I go with orange? Did I really need a convertible in Minnesota? Why did I go with my head and not my heart?

This happens with college choices too. Students and families make decisions based on available majors, price, best financial grant and scholarship offers, location, the gym, closet size, and even the weather on the day of the campus visit. But, as with a new car, you can sometimes have buyer’s remorse. When students expect the best years of their lives -- but have a crummy rooming situation, poor advising, academic struggles, and more -- it is not unusual to think about transferring. And spring semester is often a time when first- and second- year students consider going elsewhere.

As parents and family members, it is important to help your student consider short- and long-term consequences when exploring the topic of transferring. Here are some things to think about:

1. It’s not that uncommon to consider transferring
It makes sense that students want the optimal experience. Images of their friends on Instagram and TikTok living their best lives at college can be deceptive. And when others are seemingly fitting right in, excelling, and happy, it is natural to want the same thing. But people go at their own pace. I have seen many students wait it out and find themselves completely and positively immersed in their first college choice after making the adjustment.

2. It might not be an issue with the school
It might be your student. So, take time to assess their life journey. How can the past inform the present and future? Has the student taken awhile to warm up to high school, including classes, activities, and social life? Do anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues contribute longer term adjustments? Has the student started slow, warmed up, and excelled? How does your student typically respond when facing difficult circumstances? How resilient are they? Is your student an introvert? This can be a really a big issue for students who go to college and see seemingly everyone else making friends, having fun, and living the dream. Not only is it isolating, but it leads students to wonder what is wrong with them.

This is where residential and student activity staffs can be really helpful in directing students to opportunities, making connections, and normalizing that being an introvert isn’t a flaw, but a style. If the student transfers elsewhere, they will still be introverted.

3. What is the core source of discontent?
Not all reasons for wanderlust are created equal. I dealt with many students who were excellent fits with the institution, but decided they wanted to go into a nursing program -- which we didn’t offer. The commodity you are paying for is the major and the academic experience. If that isn’t there, then the decision is not that difficult. Next, sadly, is often cost. Changes in family economic situations, having to work so much that academics are compromised, and just stress on the family, are really important issues. Related, is the topic of value. That is, if a student is consistently getting a 2.0 GPA -- would a less costly choice make sense?

4. What are the student’s visceral concerns? Are they miserable? Happiness is really important! It is the same for parents who change jobs to get away from dysfunctional work places. So maybe the school has a good reputation, but the culture is cutthroat, or the social life is lacking, or the reality of that school is incongruent with what was felt during the college search decision-making process. Sometimes students miss their high school cohort, especially if many went to the same institution. Watching your buddies have lots of fun on social media while you struggle can naturally lead to the fear of missing out. In these cases, it is important to really explore what the student is seeking from their experience. Prioritizing academics, creating new cohorts, and getting engaged in campus life at the current institution may be better than reliving high school. And there are lots of students out there struggling with the same issues. Connecting with them can be a challenge and one way to do that is to take the initiative. Is your student built that way?

If the student isn’t at their first-choice school, it is easier to be critical and to want to bail out. I suspect there is something psychological about this. They wanted a new car and got a used one. That mindset may not go away.

5. Learning is a developmental experience and does not always create happy customers
It is important to accept that schools will help students learn, become high-functioning adults, and prepare for life after college. The campus should be a safe and healthy place. The classes should be challenging and of high quality. The institution should treat its students well. But here’s the thing. Students will learn a LOT by the challenges they face and overcome. And these challenges occur on all campuses. So a change may not really help.

You are paying, in some respects, for hard life lessons. Students will have uneven instruction, will not get all the classes they want (and when they want them), they may get in trouble, they may not get playing time, might will not get the role in the play, could lose an election, maybe miss out on an award, live near a bunch of obnoxious party animals, and have their hearts broken. This is life. Coaching students and contextualizing their journeys, their resilience, and their growth is a really important role you can play.

6. Does the current institution get a home field advantage?
I am biased, but I definitely lean this way. The proverbial grass is always greener. So, for the student looking at transferring, what has changed? Is the institution generally what it presented itself to be? Are the negative issues out of the control of the school? A challenging roommate situation, a poor instructor, an alcohol-obsessed student body … these are things that schools may not control completely, though how schools address these concerns can be telling.

If the student can focus on what is right about their school, show patience, and learn to adapt, then they may be quite happy in the long run. And they spare themselves starting over elsewhere. You may know your student’s tolerance threshold best. One of my kids was ready to transfer after just a few weeks into the first term. There were many lamentations about social life and a break-up didn’t help matters. Those are difficult conversations, and it is hard to ask your child to stick it out. Listen and empathize. If the discontent goes well into the spring or into the second year, then there is probably something there.

As a general rule, help your student determine what will change if they stay, and what will be different if they leave. Getting to the true core issues, weighing the importance of these issues, developing options, strategizing about how to move forward, and making realistic plans are all part of the process.

Keep perspective and help them develop that as well. Their car is probably just fine. But if it is a lemon, a change may be in order.

Parent Article: Pros and Cons of Tracking Your Student's Movements through Tracking Apps

In my former Dean of Students role, I was aghast when I once learned from parents of a student that they were tracking him from an app on their cellphone. Though he knew of it, this is a huge breach of privacy and trust. Knowing their son was out until all hours of the night seemed to be invasive and frankly, none of their business. If the student was to succeed or fail, it wouldn’t be because he was being monitored. In fact, it might even backfire, and lead to him sabotaging his success.

My last child went off to college this year. She was my first to go out-of-state, and also to a large urban area, where she would be taking trains at night, and even be on her own in potentially dangerous situations. This was how I justified to her that I needed a tracking app on her phone. It was only to be used in emergencies – if she couldn’t be located or she sent out an SOS signal to friends and family. We simply avoided the notion that yeah, she might go missing someday. Yikes. Being a parent is scary.

So, have I stayed true to my promise to use the app only in emergencies? No. Not even close. I don’t jump on it all the time, but, unbeknownst to her, I have peaked time and again despite our agreement. Not only am I as BAD as the parents I previously judged – I’m worse. I am hypocritical and deceitful.

When I report to my wife things like -- our daughter is at the lakefront -- and she asks how I know, she simply pauses, shakes her head, and says something about my character, or lack thereof. And my daughter hasn’t picked up on random texts like “be safe around water…”

Sure, I am horrible. But when I see that dot hovering over her residence hall at the end of the night, I seem to sleep a little better. When tracking apps like Life360 and Family Locator gained notoriety about five years ago, the debate began, and continues to surface from time-to-time as parents grapple with the peace-of-mind versus autonomy/privacy sides.

I thought I would revisit this, as I have seen it from the perspective of both a college administrator (and advocate for student independence), and as a parent with anxiety. Some more nuanced things to ask yourself:

1. What is the level of intrusion?
There are not that many options as to where students might usually be: Class, an on- or off- campus residence, a store, a restaurant, or a club. Or they could be on Elm Street or over in Amityville. Oh boy. Their whereabouts are usually not all that interesting (believe me). I think a legitimate fear of students is that their parents will catch them doing something they disapprove of: That is, out partying, hooking up, or shopping. For me, I simply assume my daughter may be doing these things, and I actually don’t care. I was young once. I shopped a LOT. This is one way I justify my actions.

The other is that where she is does not necessarily reflect what she is doing. I don’t have a hidden camera on her (now there’s an idea!), but knowing she is at a house off campus tells me very little. I can infer from the day and time whether she is in a study group, sharing a meal, or maybe at a party. But I don’t really know.

2. Aren’t you actually doing your kid a favor?
Oh boy, I keep digging this hole deeper. But I do sometimes feel like this is all relative. If she lived at home would know her whereabouts most times. We are all often in regular contact with our kids, mostly by text. In our ideal worlds, we might actually talk on the phone or over FaceTime. One thing I have learned is to simply not bother her when she isn’t at home. I respect her privacy and freedom. Yes, I said that with a straight face. But in truth, I do see that I can actually be less intrusive while being, well… more intrusive.

3. Isn’t timing everything?
I can’t imagine that I will be tracking my daughter much beyond her first year away. It is reassuring, but tiring, and has actually lost its novelty. And you can ask my 25-year-old-daughter – though you have to wait, as I can see she is currently at the grocery store as I type this – I will let go at some point. (It is funny how I don’t really care where my sons are. We can save that topic for another time.) For some of us, maybe these trackers are a way to slowly let go and become comfortable with transitions.

4. What is the big picture?
In my defense, I encouraged my daughter to leave Texas. She is our only one to go out-of-state. She is doing amazing things and having transformational experiences. We are so proud of her and her independence. I suppose we could have insisted she not go halfway across the country. But we really do value her ability to navigate the world on her own. She has always been fairly good at that, and has earned our trust. But she is my baby.

5. Isn’t this your business?
As I have read articles on this topic, I have noted a certain level of righteousness on both sides. Some can’t imagine the loss of trust and the intrusion that technology offers. They decry the erosion of trust impacting the long-term parent-child relationship. Well… THEIR kids probably call them once in a while.

Alternately, there are those who are comfortable bulldozing, hovering, and micro-managing their kids. They have poured everything into those munchkins and aren’t going to stop now. As with most things, there might be a good place to land in-between the extremes. There is probably a place where you can live with what works best for you and your student. This is about them, after all. But it’s about you too. In the end, it really does come down to your peace of mind versus the independence your child deserves.

But they should have a say and be fully aware of whether or not you are using tracking apps. I learned that simply over the course of writing this piece. When my daughter finished her exam today, I called her to come clean about my tacking. We acknowledged that one of her parents is neurotic and doesn’t respect boundaries… and the other is her mother.

She actually was okay with my breach of protocol, and was okay with me checking once in a while. We decided that if that changes, mom would take over the tracking app for emergencies only. Dad may yet lose his privileges, but we will see. Time will tell if he can be trusted. Go figure.

Parent Article: Rhythm of the First Semester and What to Expect

Now what? After all of the applications, tours, decisions, packing, unloading, and last minute (if not outdated) parental advice, your students are on their own. As someone who sent four kids off to college and served as a campus administrator over several decades, I know there is a rhythm to the first semester. Certainly, there is a four-year cadence as well, but for first-time parents of new students, the fall term can be the one of greatest transition and growth: For everyone!

Uneasiness and anxiety
You can probably tell looking in their eyes. Pulling up to the residence hall, meeting other students… Your kid is feeling the pressure. How does the meal plan work? Where are my classes? Am I a nerd? Is my roommate a nerd? What if there is no one to eat with or hang out with. For most, these things will quickly pass. For some though, especially introverts, this can be a very stressful time and it may last awhile until they get further into the semester. The best thing you can do as a parent is to check-in, be available, and listen. When your child is sad, you probably are too. This will pass, in most cases. The best campus resource is the Resident Assistant. Nudge your student to talk to them and lean on them for support.

Euphoria
I was always struck by the amount of energy in the first few days of the semester. It probably helps that there are often no classes just yet. Students often are drawn in by these new, exciting, diverse, and dynamic people. They have a lot in common – that they want to be at college, in particular, this college. They want to put their best feet forward and meet lots of different people. This is why people say college is the best years of your life. Additionally, students have so many ways to connect over social media prior to moving to campus that there is a comfort level already among many of them. The truth is, many of these happy and social students are doing what we do when thrust into new and uncomfortable situations: they’re faking it. This is a handy survival skill. They may be latching onto the first people they meet, especially in the residence halls.

But the first friends are not always the last ones – or even the ones that are there by the holidays. What is more, how often do we get chances to reinvent ourselves? Maybe when we move, find a new relationship, or start a new job. College students, in many cases, have gone through the brutal and awkward years of high school. Now they can shed the yoke of their reputations, make changes, and start fresh. At least for a while.

Freedom
Students can stay out late and sleep in, not clean their rooms, and don’t have to do chores that are certainly beneath them. Such things are appropriately reserved for, well, you. Think about this. Students are on their own. They are meeting new people. They are becoming new people. And those things that gave them anxiety – they have mastered those things. Their freedom is creating confidence as they manage their decisions and emotions. You may notice over the holidays, that your adolescent is blossoming into a confident adult. 

Hurdle One - Homesickness
At some point, most students will face a bout of homesickness. At least that’s what parents secretly hope! The euphoria fades and with freedom comes accountability. Often, something minor will happen. Maybe their roommate or friend didn’t invite them to breakfast. Or perhaps they saw all their friends at a different school on Instagram supposedly having a great time. This is Fear of Missing Out. These things can quickly topple any bravado built up in the first few days and weeks. And maybe sustaining the reinvention proves exhausting and inauthentic. What if they are who their reputations say they are? And maybe, just maybe, parents, siblings, and the family home provide some real comfort. Expect the call. The one where they say they don’t fit in. They want to see you. Or more so, they want to see the dog. This is normal.

Listen a lot, knowing that after the call they may end up going out and having fun while you are tossing and turning with worry. If this homesickness is sustained, have them home for a visit or go see them if resources and time allow. Some parents set an arbitrary rule that their kids can’t come home until Thanksgiving. That seems more punitive than productive. Sometimes just having the visit early on can help get them through and understand that their new lives can co-exist with their old ones.

Fall Family Weekend
Many schools put on weekend programs during the first month or two for parents, mostly targeted at parents of new students. If your school offers this, and you can attend, it can be fun and reassuring. There are often campus programs that take place and if you like this type of engagement, definitely attend to learn what is happening on campus. Your student mostly wants to see you, show you off, have some meals, and maybe come away with a little cash. Whether a structured family weekend or a random early fall visit, it is nice to take your students and some friends out for a meal, just make sure you get a family-only meal scheduled at some point. You can learn a lot from the friends that your student has found at this point. Mostly, you can gauge that they are happy and fitting in. Don’t be surprised if the group is made up of various genders. College breaks down these barriers more than high school. Finally, let your student show you around campus with their new eyes. You can see where they go to class, study, and hang-out. Our son gave us a tour of the recreation facility he worked at. He took great pride in showing us how his key worked. Thing is, this display in the obvious made us proud too.

Hurdle Two – Grades
College is hard. Professors love their disciplines and know a lot. Many of them can’t fathom that their students don’t feel the same. Students may be checking off requirements, but the faculty is committed to teaching and learning. And they want to entice students into their majors. Students will read and write more in the first semester than they did in one or two years of high school. Also, the other students also want to be there, and are the brightest of the bright. So, it is hard, and competitive, and students can’t get by on talent alone. The first subpar grade on a test or paper can easily create doubts, if not imposter syndrome tailspins. Some students aren’t used to seeing so much red on their written assignments and it can be very humbling.

Know that most instructors are fully aware of this. They are laying the groundwork of expectations of the quality of work that is expected in college. For you, maybe temper expectations about first grades, including for the whole first semester. Students will learn what they need to do to succeed and you will often see a bump in the second term.

Get used to being shut out
Instructors don’t give as much graded work except in languages and STEM (science and math). This makes it difficult for students to assess their progress and even more difficult to report it to you. They may have two or three papers and a few tests. What instructors want to see is that the students are engaged. Urge your student to attend class, participate in discussion, and turn in their work. The grades will follow. Professors love it, too, when students go to their office hours.

Professors will likely not communicate with you if you reach out. The faculty treats students as adults and simply don’t want to engage. Institutions are similar and if you reach put they will want to know if your student has filled out a FERPA release for (usually available on their website). Even then, many want to keep parents at arms-length the way the professors do. You should stress that you don’t want to know about educational records, but want to discuss how your child is doing, if that is the case. And you can always just talk and share your concerns and hope they act on them.

Finally, your student may also shut you out
They have gotten the message they are adults, so they want to handle things. That is what you want. But sometimes, you need them to rise to your expectations. And don’t forget, you probably have leverage. Don’t be afraid of your student. One of my kids told me he felt like I was micro-managing him. I told him I could micro-manage his tail back home, since we were paying the bill. Things somehow worked out!

Weed-out classes and registration
Schools say they don’t have weed-out classes. But many students who are in the pre-med track learn that the rigor of Chemistry, Calculus, and Biology is simply too challenging. In effect, if the student switches majors, they have weeded themselves out. That is normal. Sometimes it is best to drop some of these classes by the deadline if they will have severe negative impacts on the grade point average. And maybe it is time to look at different majors.

About two-thirds of the way through the fall, students will register for the next set of classes. This is stressful. Class seats were set aside for them in the fall. Now, they are in with the general population, and are at the back of the line. Don’t be surprised if you get a call that they have a crummy schedule. Direct them to their advisor or Registrars Office about how to navigate waitlists or find other classes that will fulfill requirements. And knocking out some electives isn’t a bad thing. Many a student has taken a class in something they would have never considered only to find a passion area as a major. The main thing is to make sure highly sequences courses are completed so the student’s graduation schedule isn’t thrown off kilter.

The Holidays
For many families, this is the first time your students are home and present with extended family. They will want to sleep and see their old friends. Your student is probably long-term tired after being “on” for several months. Discuss expectations in advance and let them know when they need to be with family. And be prepared for them to have new perspectives and maybe want to stand up to relatives who say things that may draw a visceral reaction. This is your new, educated, emerging adult!

The end of the first term
The first thing on everyone’s minds is how grades turned out. If your student is in the average to above range see this as a win. Discuss what they will do differently in the next term and ask about scheduled classes. Let them regroup academically and emotionally. If the grades are subpar, it may be time to dig deeper and possibly reach out to the advisor or academic support people.

By the time students are going back to school they will be ready and you probably will be too. They may say they are going home. Don’t take it personally. They want to get back to their freedom and new friends and start fresh on this next lap. And they will likely be sad to leave you as well. But you will all have less stress than you had the first time. Everyone is getting the hang of this!

Parent Article: Students and Grief

When I received the call in my residence hall room, from my father, that my mom had passed away, I was stunned. It was unexpected at the time, and would change the course of my life in multiple ways, large and small. The hallowed halls of higher education are many things. But they don’t shield students from life. And death. I am certainly not the only one to lose a parent or another loved one while in college. And 1981 was a very long time ago. But I remember it with clarity as if it was yesterday.

In my role as a dean of students, I used to reach out to students when I learned of losses they endured just prior to, or during, their time as students. Eventually, these conversations led to making connections between students, and ultimately to a supportive Grief Group. The charm of the group was that students could be with peers with unique, but similar experiences, usually in real time.

After one of our first meetings a father called me and told me it didn’t help his daughter. In fact, it made things worse. This was a jarring epiphany for me. From that time forward I lead gatherings with a statement that mourning cannot be rushed, steps could not be skipped, and indeed, the group was not intended to remove grief, but help make it more manageable.

When students experience loss, it can mean their past, present and future are forever different. Students often pre-grieve the absence of their parent or loved one at future graduations, weddings, and births.
And the past is tainted with sadness.

“…we overlay the present onto the past. We look back through the lens of what we know now, so we’re not seeing it as the people we are, and that means the past has been radically altered.” - Ann Patchett, The Dutch House

While this was a club no one wanted to be drafted into, it helped, for those who chose to participate. It wasn’t for everyone. If you have experienced loss in your family, or if your student has experienced the loss of a loved one, there are some commonalities that may be helpful in the road back.

What to know…

Grief at college is isolating
Of course, this can be true of any traumatic experience. Students who have been sexually assaulted, who are dealing with mental health issues, who are asked to speak for their race in class, or who are finding and expressing their sexual identity, all often report feeling isolated. What makes trauma difficult is its endurance. While a student who has experienced a loss, there are still classes, grades, parties, and campus events. And these things don’t take someone’s mind off of the loss. The normalcy in a time that is not at all normal and familiar can make matters worse. In the Grief Group, students found kindred souls who simply “got it.”

Loss is distracting at a time when focus is required
Students are often surprised by and frustrated with that grief can impact attention, focus, memory, and stamina, making it much harder to complete school work. It accompanies them every moment of every day, sapping them of energy and joy. At the same time, the assignments keep coming. I used to tell students that sometimes just getting out of bed is success enough.

Grief is not linear
The five stages of grief have been adapted from the five stages of dying (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross). Denial, anger, depression, acceptance do not follow a defined arc. What students tell us is that the unpredictability of the grief process is one of its hallmarks. This means that emotions can well up at unusual times. Though there can be many triggers (birthdays, death anniversaries), sometimes emotions just spring forth unannounced. Students tend to have bad days, and less-bad days (not many good days). In the action-packed world of a college campus where students are on the go, focused on school and work, and stressed and tired, it is no wonder that emotions sometimes need to just let themselves peer out from the subconscious.

“But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.” - Donna Tart, The Goldfinch

This is New!
I used to remind students, anxious to function as they used to, that the death just happened. This doesn’t matter if it is a week or a year. That first year, when every new experience without the loved one is so evident, is especially difficult. Friends don’t always know what to say (and neither do grown-ups) When I had to meet with a professor to discuss work missed, he could barely look me in the eye, let alone offer condolences.

Students report this all the time. People often have a real fear of saying the wrong thing, so will instead, say nothing at all. This can compound the feelings of isolation. Well-meaning friends may see things like they “know how you feel” because their family pet died. Or in an attempt to get the student unstuck, say things like “you aren’t over that yet.” Well, no. Grief may subside, but never truly goes away.

“People in the real world always say, when something terrible happens, that the sadness and loss and aching pain of the heart will ‘lessen as time passes,’ but it isn’t true. Sorrow and losses are constant, but if we all had to go through our whole lives carrying them the whole time, we wouldn’t be able to stand it. The sadness would paralyze us. So in the end, we just pack it into bags and find somewhere to leave it.” - Fredrik Backman, My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry

Family-centered events and holidays are really hard
As other students prepare to join family for the holidays, grieving students are often dreading these family celebrations. There will be a void and anxiety about the unknown – not just for them, but for others in the family. So, conversations about family weekend, holiday plans, and breaks can be unbearable. They serve as reminders of loss and uncertainty.

How to help your grieving student

Grief is very personal
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to mourning. I quickly learned that while the Grief Group could be helpful, like any other group, it requires engagement that may not meet everyone’s level of comfort.

Some students throw themselves into their work, spend time with significant others, or just want to process internally. It may be worth talking to your student about how they like to grieve. They may just want you, or they may wish to see a grief counselor. Encourage your student to give grace to others This can be really hard, but before your student experienced loss, they probably were ill-prepared to respond to others as well. It can be so evident to those who are suffering, but others, especially college-age, are often just muddling through it. The student whom relates that their dog died? Of course they understand the difference. Most likely, they are trying to say “I have felt loss, and it is really hard.”

Find those who can help
It is important for students to identify those who are comfortable with the uncomfortable. I used to urge my students to find those who they can really count on, on a visceral level. Without burning these people out, these friends can be their go-to people when they are having bad days. Indeed, I coached students to tell others very clearly: “I am having a bad day. I just need to talk. You can’t fix it, but it will make me feel better.” Having people that students can count on, and circle back with, is really important.

Rituals matter and so does talking
This can be really hard for parents who have lost a partner or child. The grief can be overwhelming. Students, though, are looking to their grown-ups for emotional support, consistency, and sensitivity. Families who do best share their grief with one another, a lot. But there is a limit. Some students find themselves in an unfamiliar parental role with the surviving parent. Finding someone, in addition to your child, to process with, can take off the pressure.

Discussing holidays, birthdays, breaks, anniversaries can help reduce uncertainty and ensure family members are having their needs met and can reduce stress. I have known families to spend the first major holiday on a family trip. The avoidance can only help so much, but it can reduce the pain of the empty chair back home.

The fact is, above all else, students are missing the person they lost 
I know students who will listen to voicemails from their missing loved one, or routinely scroll through photos on their phones. They often want to remember, talk, and memorialize.

“No matter how much time passes, those we have loved never slip away from us entirely.” - Amor Towles, A Gentleman in Moscow

Be sensitive to big changes
Students who have lost a family member, especially parents, are on emotional roller-coasters. What they crave is constancy in their topsy-turvy new world. Introducing dating, new partners, or selling the family home can be gut-punches for those students in grief. Certainly, these things may unfold. However, waiting, discussing, and preparing is much better than springing surprises. Considering the feelings of students who feel compounding losses is really important.

In summary
I hope that you have not, or won’t experience a loss in your family while your students are in college, especially if out-of-town. If you do, communicate a lot with your student about how they are feeling and how you can be supportive. Depending on the time of year, students can take some time away. If the academic calendar aligns, even a semester off can be helpful, though most students see missing sc

Parent Article: Navigating Privacy Within FERPA

I recently spoke with a parent who was very frustrated by the lack of communication from the staff at her child’s college. The student was dealing with a serious issue involving health and safety, and her efforts to obtain information met with resistance. The reason? Privacy related to student records. This despite the student having signed a release.

Nothing can be more frustrating for a parent when the institution is stone-walling them. And it is, in fact complicated, if not maddening. In considering how much college staff members will and won’t share with you about your student, understand that institutions are trying to treat students as adults and want to guard their privacy. This is part of teaching students to become adults. What is more, institutions strive to be student-centered. To build relationships with students, it is important to treat them with respect and to guard their privacy.

Good institutions also want to partner with families to help their students succeed. These things (student and family centeredness) can co-exist and as a parent, you can be an advocate for your student without acting on behalf of them. Hopefully, your institution will let you.

Essentially, FERPA was created in 1974 for students and families to ensure that student records were accurate, could not be shared arbitrarily with others, and could be reviewed and corrected. Records, generally, involve grades, finances, and conduct. Interactions between student and clergy, counselors, and doctors have a higher level of protection. Confidentiality is key in those relationships.

Administrators can talk to parents about most anything else. If the student has a track record of belittling staff members, this is not a student record. If attempts to get through to the student don’t work, a phone call to a parent can be effective. These are not records, but observations. In extreme cases, students who are no longer attending classes, or are not responsive to attempts to address their mental health, including suicidality, then institutions may want to contact family to loop them in to help the student.

 If a parent calls about a roommate conflict, a staff member can absolutely discuss it – or at least listen. In my experience, this was an area when adding the emotional voices of parents actually complicated matters. But sometimes the parent can offer valuable information and insight that can help with context. And it can help with context for the staff in how to address the situation.

The important thing to reinforce here, is that FERPA addresses student records, not much else. Be wary if someone says they can’t talk to you because of FERPA. They may be reluctant because of the aforementioned reasons related to privacy (student-centeredness and building trust with students). For entry-level staff and faculty, they may fear that a violation of FERPA will result in the school losing federal aid for a violation. This is extremely rare.

Most upper-level and seasoned professionals are more experienced in navigating all of this. So sometimes, parents need to move up the organization chart to get assistance. As a parent of a college student, here are some important things to know about FERPA and privacy: 

Students are considered adults
This is an important philosophy of college administrators. Unfortunately, admission to a college has somehow does not automatically turn an adolescent into a fully functioning adult. Having witnessed cases of improper student behavior, I can say for sure it is generous, at best, to confer adulthood onto 18-year-olds. Indeed, there is plenty of evidence that the brain isn’t close to full development until the mid-20’s. What college staffers want is aspirational. They want to establish that it is time for students to take care of their own business. This is part of the learning process, and is an important component of the college experience. In theory, I love this.

However, sometimes students exhaust all manner of reasonable attempts to get assistance from staff members and they NEED an experienced person (parent) to step in. Sometimes parents simply know how to be assertive (hopefully not aggressive or threatening) and to help or get clarity on policies and procedures. Sometimes it is even simpler. When I was a new student and had an issue with my bill, I asked my mom to call the business office because I didn’t understand the situation. It was easier and more efficient for her to do this, and made me no more or less a grown-up. It was a one-off. I got the hang of it. I still grew up and became responsible in many ways (mostly by being an RA). This phone call was better for me and the school. And mom got to be my hero for once.

More on privacy
The dilemma for administrators is determining when to pull in parents. Most use the health, safety, and success of the student to guide them. Theses can be really gray area and decisions can have major consequences. They can’t do this effectively if they run to students every time the student gets in trouble. Or if they blab whenever a parent calls them. On the other hand, they don’t want to answer questions from a parent about why the family wasn’t informed of something. FERPA allows universities to inform parents of alcohol and drug violations. This can help in redirecting a student’s trajectory. I used it at times, as a dean of students, to help get the student to prioritize education over substance use and related shenanigans. 

I also sometimes contacted parents if the student was a threat to self or others, also allowed by FERPA. But this was used selectively. I often encouraged students to involve those best positioned to support them. Often, they did so when it was too late to have an impact.

With the cost of education, schools should also cultivate parent relationships. This isn’t nefarious, and in fact, it can be very helpful in offering nuanced perspectives to parents, if not outright offering more accurate facts. Parents aren’t wrong when they say they are the ones paying.

But still, it is complicated. I had a colleague who used to say he would never take a parent call. This was dumbfounding to me. Sometimes just helping a parent be heard and understand decisions is all a parent needs to be satisfied.

So what can parents do?
Have you student sign the waiver This is where you have leverage, and it is with your child. If you are the primary funding source, by all means, you should insist that your student sign a waiver, which will allow you to discuss student records. Check the Registrar webpage at your student’s school or search for FERPA waiver. Be proactive in making this happen. And don’t forget, most college instructors give less graded work. When your student can’t produce evidence of their grades during the term, they may be right. Most professors offer little in terms of gradebooks in the way teachers did in high school. But you should definitely feel comfortable asking your student how they will communicate with you about how they are doing academically.

Gently push back on FERPA
If you are getting the FERPA silent treatment, ask the person you are speaking with to explain what record is being protected. And challenge them if this is an issue of their confidentiality and privacy preferences, rather than the regulation. This will at least give you a sense of how the college is approaching student privacy. You can acknowledge this and still pursue your questions. Without belittling the staff member, perhaps ask to talk to someone at a higher level with more experience who can navigate these issues and speak with more confidence. If that doesn’t work, then speak to the dean of students or the registrar. These persons are used to this and are experts and should be either more informative about the school’s approach and/or more forthcoming.

Speak hypothetically
I have done this as a parent, calling a child’s therapist or school administrator. If they won’t talk to you about your student, say, “I understand.” And then say you want to speak to them hypothetically, so they know what you are up to. “Let’s say a student has a roommate whose boyfriend has essentially moved into the room, how would a student address this without looking like a rat? Who can help them and advise them?” (A good staff member will have an RA discreetly look into this, by the way.)

I did this with a child’s medical bill recently. “I know you can’t acknowledge they are a patient, but how can I as a parent determine if a bill has been submitted to insurance?” You would be amazed at the adept ways someone can tell you what you need to know without telling you anything specific.

Say this...
Generally, administrators are responsive to the term “student success.” So, if you are being shut out, express that you are interested in the student’s success, and ask the person if they support this (they better). This can help loosen things up.

Without threatening that the student might transfer, it is okay to discuss wanting the student to be retained and finish their experience at the school. Every school is worried about retention and graduation rates. And be clear, you know your student needs to advocate for themselves, meet with the appropriate people, and manage their situation.

Make it clear that you are seeking information or advocating and the action steps are up to your student.
Telling a staff member that you pay, or who you know in the upper level of the administration generally just leads someone to dig in their heels. (Many students are on generous aid and good administrators won’t apply pressure because they know someone.)

Accepting things as they are
If you are unhappy with the condition of the dorms, the food, textbook prices, class availability, and parking, consider letting these things go. Students have avenues for their complaints and this is when they should make their feelings known through student government or to appropriate university officials. Your general complaints may simply derail staff from managing things that need their attention.

Don’t call or reach out to professors
You know who will rarely talk about students and their grades and academic performance? Professors. They are almost always big believers that students are adults and that classroom learning is not to be mucked with, by parents, and often administrators. They believe firmly, often, that this isn’t high school any more. And they don’t care about FERPA. They can’t be bothered in most cases, with this.

Your better approach will be to talk to an advisor or someone in academic or student services, who may be able to ascertain how a student is doing. As a dean of students, I could reach out to faculty members about student grades, attendance, and engagement and have a pretty good picture of where a student stood academically within 24-48 hours. This could be very helpful in generally painting the full picture for a parent (and student) and help in advising the how to salvage the semester.

In summary, understand that institutions are trying to treat students as adults and want to guard their privacy. Good institutions want to partner with families and students to help them succeed. These things can co-exist and as a parent, you can be an advocate for your student without acting on behalf of them. Hopefully, your institution will let you.