PARENT SHORT: Why YOU should share your pronouns

I was a little slow to the whole pronoun thing. As a college administrator I saw the listing of pronouns when the practice emerged, and didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon, because, well, that is my general nature. But once I figured it out, I was a bit ashamed that I ever hesitated.

Using pronouns is really important to non-binary people, especially students. As a dad, I saw this playing out among my daughter and her friends. When I asked a friend of hers what their pronouns were, I apparently really scored some points. Of course, I relinquished them days later when I asked my daughter if she was wearing a bra in front of that same friend. Baby steps.

If you are cisgender (expression of your gender identity matches your biology) you may wonder why you should jump into these waters. Like me, you may think that this is not a practice necessary for your generation. Consider this:

1. It shows great respect for those who are non-binary. Using your pronouns says that you understand that this matters, and that you support those for whom this matters a lot to. It is a way to tell people they are seen, and not judged. It is an expression of ally-ship and says “yeah, I get that this matters.” You don’t need to be Black to march for Black Lives Matter. But in doing so, your intentional participation shows you are engaged. Same with pronoun usage.

2. By using your gender tags (in email signatures, Zoom labels, etc.) you are helping to normalize this practice. Normalizing may seem like a clunky term here (who is to say what is normal?), but it is critical. If only LGBTQ people are using their pronouns, they are conspicuous by simply doing so. If everyone uses pronouns, then it becomes routine and shows that all identities.

3. It doesn’t reflect that you have arrived, nor that you are doing all that you can to be a positive ally. But it does show that you are tuned in, and willing to learn and be open. What a simple and easy step on your journey to being cognizant of identity. And by using your pronouns it helps you stay attuned to others in an ongoing way.

As a parent, recognizing the identity of your child and their friends is an important way to embrace everything about them. It opens up conversations for them to share about themselves and their relationships, joys, and struggles. It is not their job to educate you, so you need not quiz them about their identities. But it opens the door to complete and meaningful relationships. Where is someone from? What is their major? What do their folks do? Those are the easy facts. How do they live their lives and see themselves? That is who they are. Show them it matters enough to you to stand beside them. Use your pronouns.

PARENT SHORT: Pride
June 7, 2022

When I met my wife, who was from Boston, I told her I was from Wisconsin. It eventually came out that she while had heard of it, she didn’t know exactly where it was. “Wisconsin, Wyoming, Iowa – I don’t know,” she said. “I just know they are over there somewhere.” I am not sure how Iowa got lumped in there. I am obviously over this slight some 35 years later. For those of us in fly over states, we are used to it. But we want validation (in any form, not just geographically) from New Yorkers, Texans, and Californians. (It doesn’t help for me that one of my love languages is affirmation.) 

Keep this in mind as we celebrate Pride Month. While you may not know everything about gender identity and fluidity, it matters a lot to those who don’t identify in the male/female/heterosexual milieu. Affirmation matters a lot – especially for something so personal as identity.

To many college students, now more than ever, being able to identify, express, and live their identities is really important. As a former Dean of Students, I knew students whose families kicked them out of the house for being gay or transgender. That is heartbreaking on so many levels.

Maybe your student is biologically gay or lesbian, or is questioning and exploring their identity. If you don’t like it – ask yourself why it bothers you.

I think it used to be that parents knew that being gay would mean a life that would result in resistance, ridicule, and discrimination for their kids. Today, that is less the case (though still an issue), especially with Generation Z – a very open-minded and accepting group for the most part. (Except when they say “okay, boomer.”)

If you simply don’t understand a lot about gender identity, there are so many ways to educate yourself. There are great online resources about sex, gender, and identity. It is evolving all the time, too. This generation is standing up for itself and expects you to be somewhat knowledgeable -- and at least willing -- to learn about things like pronouns and language. They certainly don’t feel it is their job to educate you. So do it yourself. And if you get a chance, go to a PRIDE parade and see what it is all about. This is part of being an ally. I have been to several, and it is really joyful and uplifting.

So, happy PRIDE month parents! If you have a LGBTQ child, then I hope you are PROUD of them. If you don’t, the world needs educated, supportive, and enthusiastic allies from all generations and backgrounds. Proactively embrace this important role. We ALL want affirmation, whether for where we are from, what we do, for our beliefs, and most importantly, for who we are.

Sleepwalking through College
June 28, 2022

Is your student a sleepwalker? Decent grades? Check. No major injuries? Check. An occasional call or text once in a while that isn’t a request for money? Okay, don’t get greedy.

Whether internal or from outside sources, students are under to intense pressure to succeed and excel. What is more, they have inherited -- and have to cope with -- serious issues related to social justice, politics, the environment, and global health. In many cases, pushing young people to succeed, especially if they have anxiety, can create debilitating stress.

And yet... I don’t have to tell you how much higher education costs. Whether you are a full-payer or your student is getting a full-ride (more likely, something in between) someone is paying a lot for this experience. So yes, it is normal to want your students to get the absolute most from their college years. Whatever you expect in terms of their grades and other measures of success, make sure they have realistic goals for themselves. Having a happy, well-adjusted student is success enough.

After decades of working with students, I have seen what generally makes for student success, which often means thriving, rather than just surviving: The most successful students aren’t sleepwalking through their experience.

What do you expect of your student, and how will you measure whether or not they have been successful? Let’s start with grades. Many instructors are not as focused on grades as their students (and parents) are. They want students to learn for learning’s sake. Still, grades are a way to demonstrate that students have mastered material (or not). As a parent, seeing your student on the Dean’s List may be gratifying and worthy of the annual family holiday letter.

But unless exceptional grades are necessary for getting into post-graduate education, consider how much they really matter. After the first job, few people care. And, consider how many hours students are spending to get from grade B to grade A and whether it’s worth it. Dialing back the pressure may be doing your student a favor. Over- and under-achieving are the extremes with grades. Most students fall between the two, or vacillate.

The sleepwalker, however, is generally getting okay (or just below) grades: Good enough to pass and avoid academic probation and suspension, but that is about it. Such grades are often a reflection of minimal effort, which is to say, they are doing enough to get by. They are likely not learning as much as they could, however, and that is a shame. Ideally, your student is doing well enough, not just based on grades, but based on getting something from all of their classes – even the required ones!

The sleepwalker likes to have fun. Don’t we all? And there is a lot of fun to be had at college. So many fun and new people! Just hanging out is awesome. Ask your student how they define fun. The low bar is focusing on parties and video games. But there are so many other awesome opportunities that a college provides: athletic events, concerts, plays, residence hall events, and civic and cultural events in their new city. Take note, have they been to a residence hall study break? Are they going to the local zoo or have they checked out a farmer’s market?

There’s more beyond grades and social life. The most revealing trait that all successful students often have is intentionality. And here’s the thing: Intentionality is a choice. Rarely will you hear someone say, “well, I would do that, but I come from a family of unintentional people.” Put the concept of purposefulness and the word intentionality in your arsenal when you are talking about how your student is doing. You can apply that concept to everything.

What about activities? Some of the most successful students I know were involved with something on campus. They joined, sampled, and chose something to dive into. Doing a lot will often spread students too thin. After they find their passion, hopefully your student will focus their energy on one or two things. Finding a niche and excelling is a great way to be successful. Students can learn so much from membership and ultimately leadership in activities. Is your kid missing these opportunities?

Campus administrators from Career Services, Study Abroad, Academic Success, and Counseling bemoan the lack of interest in their proactive programs to guide students toward success. Check out the offerings at your kid’s school and maybe suggest the internship or resume workshop you read about. Most successful students get themselves plugged into these opportunities.

If you are the parent of an athlete, you know your student has their organized activity built into their schedules. For these students, urge them to attend various events and programs that offer minimal commitments of time and energy. This is an effective way to take advantage of their opportunities. I always loved seeing athletes at plays or choir members at sporting events.

Successful students understand that social justice and learning outside the classroom are key elements of their college experiences. Attending lectures and debates, protesting, and learning of the experiences of others are great and free experiences. Racial, religious, and cultural programs help students learn beyond their comfort zones.

Successful students make a decision to open their minds and hearts and learn about others. Some of the best educators on a college campus are the other students. Successful students often give something back. Whether they serve in student government, or as a tour guide on campus, or they participate in volunteering in the community. They see that there are others in the world who need help. 

Ask your student if they have considered study abroad or an internship. Could they apply for an on- or off-campus job? Students rarely accidentally go to religious services or the fitness center. It is just part of their routine. Same with generally eating healthy. Intentional choices are there at every turn on a college campus. (It is really too bad that parents aren’t the ones going to college. Parents would very intentionally take advantage of everything!)

You don’t want to burden your student with unrealistic expectations, nor do you want to check out. Being successful in college isn’t a clean or linear process. Some of the best learning will come from failure, mistakes, and safe risks. Consider this a success. Mostly though, if you want your student to get the most of their collegiate experience, talk to them about how they intend to spend their time (or how they do spend their time if they are continuing students), and what they do across this array of areas. You get to be intentional too!

A great indicator of how they will be as post-graduates, family members, professionals, community members, and active, happy, and engaged adults, is how they engage in college. They are learning a lot both in and out of the classroom. And they are developing muscle memory for lives well-lived.

PARENT ARTICLE: A Primer on Campus Conduct Practices for Parents -  Part 2

A colleague (and parent) reminded me recently just how demoralizing, confusing, and anxiety-provoking the student conduct process can be for college students. They may experience an impulse to run to their parents for help and support – but are also wary – because they are embarrassed, anxious, and want to try to handle things on their own. 

As a dean of students, I once sat with a student who had to call her family about her being suspended. They had no idea there was even a case and it was heart-breaking to hear the sobbing student deliver the bad news – and then the context of what happened.

Just understanding how campus policies and procedures are different than legal processes can be a challenge. I have laid out some of those basic issues in the previous post. In this post I will go a little deeper into campus processes and things you should know, and consider, as a parent assisting your student.

Rights
Every campus should publish some basic student rights, in some form. These are generally broad, and include things like the right to assemble, to have protected speech, and to be entitled to a fair process when accused of violating policies. Generally, universities understand that there is a lot of learning happening outside the classroom, and they are not out “to get” their students. Administrators are usually fair-minded and simply try to balance the needs of the community against individual student needs. Due process is a legal concept that protects those accused of crimes, and facing significant consequences. In higher education, officials tend to use the term fair process instead. This is to distinguish themselves from legal processes. A fair process generally means that a student has the right to know what they are accused of doing wrong, to have access to the information that supports the allegation, the right to a hearing to answer the allegations, and often the right to appeal. It is pretty straightforward.

Hearing process
When a student is accused of a policy violation, usually it is because a campus official (such as a Resident Assistant or Campus Police Officer) has seen a possible infraction, confronted it, and submitted a report to the campus conduct or dean of students office. Those offices will notify the student that a report has been received, will outline the procedures in terms of next steps (such as meeting or reviewing the report), and lay out the hearing process. These hearings can be administrative (with one or two staff members) or can be referred to a hearing board, often made up of students, staff, and sometimes faculty members. In most cases, a student may bring a person of support with them. This can be an attorney, a parent, a friend, or a supportive faculty or staff member. Since this is the student’s process, only the student can speak during the hearing: They may not, generally, have someone, such as a lawyer, speak on their behalf.

Standards
Universities often have their policies outlined as Standards of Conduct. They are often found on-line or in the student handbook. These are, quite simply, the rules. Most common rules involve alcohol, drugs, disruptive and disorderly conduct, and harm to others.

Procedures
There are many variations across campuses regarding their processes. Some are very legalistic, technical, and detailed. Others are broader and allow for more interpretation. For parents, if your student is accused of a violation, you will want to review these. If the procedures begin with a list of terms and definitions, the process will likely be pretty technical and highly procedural. These complex procedures can be overwhelming. The best thing is to focus on relevant information for the specific situation, and not get too pulled into all of the minutiae. Most colleges have experienced staff who are used to dealing with lots of cases. Your student (maybe with you in tow) should be able to connect with someone to ask questions, receive clarifications, and be informed of the range of potential consequences. (This also shows the staff that the student is taking the process seriously.) While this is routine for officials, it isn’t for students and families. Have your questions answered, and if possible, summarize what you heard in follow-up emails.

What is the accusation?
There were three major components I used to break down at as a conduct officer, and I used to spell these out to students. The first issue is to look at what the student is accused of doing: He was smoking pot in his residence hall; She was observed allegedly hazing a teammate; They were hosting a loud party with underage drinking. This is the information included in the incident report.

What policy was violated?
Second, not all bad behavior is a violation of policy. We used to say, it isn’t against policy to be mean or be a jerk. Harassment is different and more specific. So, students need to know, what exact policy they are accused of violating. This is usually outlined in a letter of notice. Some policies have different sub-categories, so drilling down to see what is applicable is important. Perhaps the student is of age, but was supplying alcohol to minors. Knowing the alleged violation is a way to focus.

Does the evidence support the allegation?
And third, what is the evidence that supports the allegation? Perhaps there are eyewitness statements and maybe video documentation. Whatever the evidence, students should have an opportunity to review this evidence prior to a hearing, and be prepared to refute it if it is erroneous. Other times students may wish to give context to what occurred. I have been involved in many cases where a pretty clear-cut allegation was turned inside out because what a reporting party thought they saw wasn’t accurate or lacked nuance.

Consequences, or Sanctions
The outcome in a case is a finding of responsible or not responsible. If responsible, there will probably be an assigned sanction. Sanctions can range from warning or probationary status, to fines, completion of on-line courses related to the offense, or a combination of these things. In low-level cases with minor consequences, and when the student is clearly responsible, it is often best to be truthful, contrite, respectful, and move forward. In complex cases that may involve separation from the campus or referral for criminal charges, students need to be careful to not incriminate themselves. This is where a good attorney can be most helpful. They understand that keeping their client out of jail super-cedes everything else.

What are the grounds for appeal?
Many times students disgruntled with an outcome immediately ask how they can appeal. Being dissatisfied with the outcome of the case doesn’t automatically qualify for an appeal. Indeed, usually one of three conditions have to be met. These include an egregious procedural error (a student wasn’t notified of the evidence, say), new information that wasn’t available at the time of the hearing (let’s say a person comes forward who didn’t know about the case, but has a video of the incident), or a sanction disproportionate to the violation (a student suspended for their first alcohol violation, for example).

Moving forward
Following a case and its outcome, parents can help students move forward and learn from what happened. This is a good time for a conversation about the student’s educational goals and how to avoid derailing them through poor judgment in the future. It is always a good idea to stress that the student’s credibility may be questioned if they begin stacking violations. While this can all be quite stressful, some cases can also help students learn how supportive their family is when times are challenging. And that’s not a bad outcome.

About the author: David Tuttle spent over 30 years in higher education in Residential Life and Student Affairs and has sent four children to college. 

PARENT ARTICLE: A Primer on Campus Conduct Practices for Parents -  Part 1

My neighbor’s dog is named “Trouble.” I think he is just fine. Sure, he growls and jumps on me, but has only bitten me once. (The dog, not the neighbor.)

Now, when we send our kids to college, we rarely think about, nor expect, that they will one day find themselves in “trouble” for violating campus policies. And it is rarely named in the recruitment and orientation process. Yet, an allegation of policy violations can derail a promising college career.

For students, on their own for the first time, facing a campus conduct process can be daunting. For them, they often don’t know how much trouble they are in and what the consequences may be. And some will call their parents right away, while others will wait until they absolutely have to fess up before saying anything. As a former Dean of Students, I have been involved in conduct issues for decades. Here are some very basic things you might find helpful as a parent if your student ever finds themselves accused of violating a policy.

Rules are different than laws
Colleges enforce their policies. Think of them as you would a professional sports team. Teams (and leagues) have rules. If an athlete breaks a policy (misses practice) then the team may impose sanctions. If an athlete violates the law (smoking weed), and is arrested, there will be legal consequences AND the team can act as well, if in violation of team policies. It can get confusing when laws and policies intersect. Is underage drinking both a policy violation and against the law? Yes. But generally, a college will handle this internally, as it is minor (and courts generally prefer this). Is stealing a car against the law? Of course. Does it violate policy? Probably, if the policy is well-written. A college can pursue this as a violation regardless of, and separate from, the legal process.

Schools can enforce policies when violations occur off campus
Think about this. A drunk student vandalizes a neighborhood store and is caught by the police. The university is notified. You can bet the campus will want to take action. The school has a reputation, and wants to be a good neighbor. Policies will generally note that violations of law and policies off campus can be dealt with on campus. What is more, consider a case where a student sexually assaults another student over spring break. The students return to campus and the alleged survivor is subject to being in a class with the alleged perpetrator. This creates a potential violation of the rights of the alleged survivor to be allowed to study and live in a non-hostile environment. In fact institutions are required under Title IX to assist the student find another section or different alternative to the class.

Colleges can’t wait for or defer to the courts
This often comes up in assault cases. A criminal determination may have complex elements to it. A case can drag on for years or there may be errors in process or technicalities that undermine prosecution. The case may be dropped, there might be sufficient evidence, a complaint may be withdrawn, or a plea bargain may be agreed to. None of these things automatically exonerate a student from violating policy, especially when noting the standard of evidence (see below). This is why campuses will act independent of the courts. This isn’t double jeopardy, as that is a legal term related to a person not facing a trial for the same offense more than once.

The college standard of evidence is different than the legal one Generally, colleges are not equipped to have intricate and detailed rules of evidence (no Miranda Warnings, fingerprinting, DNA or polygraph tests either). Colleges are determining whether or not a student violated policy, and in extreme cases they are deciding whether temporary or permanent separation from the school is appropriate. Incarceration, and certainly capital punishment, are options. With the lower stakes, most campuses follow a standard called the preponderance of the evidence. In other words, is it more likely than not that a student violated policy? This is more akin to a civil standard. It explains why OJ Simpson was found not guilty in criminal court under the “beyond a reasonable doubt” standard, but guilty under the civil standard, generally seen as 50.1% more likely than not.

Most colleges take great efforts to draw distinctions between themselves and courts
Campuses hold hearings, not trials; there are presiding officers, not judges; there are responding parties, not defendants; students are found responsible or not responsible rather than guilty or not guilty. This obsession with terms matters to college officials, as it underscores that schools are dealing with policy violations.

There is a profession dedicated to student conduct
When students and families are unhappy with processes and decisions they often decry those administering findings as amateurish kangaroo courts or star chamber, evoking images of arbitrary and capricious decision-makers. Indeed, this is why many schools have specialized staff, rather than teaching faculty, managing conduct processes. These professionals understand laws versus policies, standards for decision-making, precedence and mitigating circumstances, student development and learning, and hopefully, compassion and empathy. In most cases, students are equipped to manage their conduct issues. Good campus officials and boards are not out to get students. They can actually be quite helpful to students who reach out for support and clarity. It is a new and different world and students can be anxious and fearful when facing serious allegations. Parents should consider assuring students at all times that they would rather know when the student is trouble at the earliest possible time in order to be supportive and reassuring.

PARENT ARTICLE: Importance of Campus Visits

While not everyone has the time or means to visit all potential campuses, such visits are critical, both for the college decision-making process and to signal interest to the schools. Some families like to sample a wide array of campuses so they can whittle down the list of decisions (large/small, urban/rural, near/far, residential/commuter). Others already have a short list. In any case, visiting at least a couple top schools on the student’s wish list is important in establishing standards and preferences.

The basics…
Aside from family and close friends, the relationship between student and college is one of the most significant for young people. Leaving the decision solely to the marketing images on webpages is not wise. Visiting a campus is a true immersive experience. Families and students learn crucial information and get a sense of place and community, which truly helps make the decision. Factors to look for include: the attentiveness of staff, availability of faculty, and friendliness of students. Classrooms, residence halls, dining halls, student centers and the city or town around the college are also best seen in person. In my experience, campus visits also offer more nuanced – and highly valuable -- context surrounding the college’s culture of athletics, Greek life, partying, and cut-throat academic competition and more.

What to look for…
If a school is trying to build enrollment, they sometimes roll out all of the stops, and then fail to deliver. But the admissions experience is more likely going to reflect the campus ethos on how students and families will be treated over the life of the relationship. This includes responsiveness in communication prior to and after the visit. The campus culture is a culture precisely because it is rooted in the traditions and values of those who are on campus. Are students serious, casual, funny, bright? How do you separate what is real from tours and information sessions, where the happiest and most engaged students are front and center versus the more typical students? Consider adding informal time to the campus visit. Sit in the Student Center or dining hall and simply observe, listen, and try to measure the energy level of the students. And though your student will likely hate this, stop students on campus and ask how they like it. Ask what makes this place unique and special. Encourage your student to dig deeper. Does the university allow prospective students to sit in on a class? Can the student meet with a professor, coach, and admissions counselor, have lunch with majors or potential teammates?

Your student is being watched…
In the uber-competitive world of admissions, schools may be tracking more than you know. And it matters. Admissions staffers are interested in yield. That is, they want to spend time and energy on students who are interested in them. When it comes to their decisions, they want to consider those students who are more likely to attend. They are preparing financial aid packages and building a class based on demographics and academic interest. So, they want to see if the student participated in a high school admissions program, visited campus, reached out to an admissions counselor, opened emails, clicked on web pages, and participated in on-line sessions. For the top schools on your student’s list, a visit can make a difference in whether or not the student is admitted. Parents matter too… Institutions need to be student-centered. While families and others are paying the bills, the experience belongs to the student. And yet. Given the emotional and financial investment that families make, you want to know that you aren’t going to be frozen out. Yes, privacy laws dictate that institutions can only share so much with parents related to student records. But students can waive many of these restrictions. More important, though, is does the institution work in partnership with parents? Are the opinions of parents considered? Are there communications in place (Facebook, newsletters, webpages) and are there programs (family weekends) available? You will get a sense for this on the visit. Are there parent sessions? Does the faculty and staff pay attention to you? Do they value you?

Other things to consider…
- The tour guide is important.
But not that important. Some guides can really sell a place, while others can be a turn-off. Think of them as you would a food server or flight attendant – they can impact the experience, but they are not the totality of the experience. Keep their effectiveness in perspective. - Eschew the overnight student campus visit. These are fraught with potential land mines. They are hit and miss based on the hosts, and there are some hosts who want to show prospective students a good time (party). Such stays can actually be dangerous and not representative.
- Some campuses offer voucher programs.
For those who have tighter budgets this can open doors to various institutions. It also signals that the campus is interested in socio-economic diversity and access for all.
- Timing is important.
I took my son to a school during its spring break. And it was raining. The trip was doomed from the start. Weather is relative, but being on campus when there are students and vibrant campus life is crucial to getting that sense of place.
- Connect with the people. My wife had a similar experience with my daughter. The campus visit was during winter break and did not impress. But what did impress was the on-line connection to the academic program afterward. My daughter loved the faculty and students and went there anyways, and loved it. So, the visit matters, but the people matter even more. Find the people.
- Go back.
When students have honed in on one or two schools, consider a second visit to get more in-depth and to demonstrate interest. Sometimes students just know – this campus is, or isn’t, a place where I can see myself. That is worth the trip. Authenticity, connection, and comfort matter to students. They need a chance to consider with their heads, and hearts, what feels like the best fit.

PARENT ARTICLE: Cheating in College
February 6, 2022

As many as 60% of college students admit to cheating according to the International Center for Academic Integrity. Students have many rationalizations as to why they cheat (pressure to succeed, technology makes it expedient, tasks are meaningless). This is a significant issue for college campuses. Character and integrity are important components of college missions, as future leaders are educated to create and lead a just world. Additionally, fairness is critical when students are evaluated in relation to their peers, through graded work. Finally, for an institution to have credibility, its outcomes (student grades and achievements) must be based on a strong foundation.

Why should this matter to parents? Consequences can be extreme for students found responsible for violating academic integrity policies. The most common violations involve plagiarism, unauthorized collaboration, and cheating on exams. Sanctions can range from a grade reduction for the assignment, a failing grade, or failing the class. In extreme cases, or when students have had multiple offenses, they could face suspension from school and transcript notations reflecting such. Worse, those professors who write evaluations or dole out internships have sway over a student’s reputation and opportunities. 

Before taking the moral high ground, I encourage parents to put things in perspective. I remember a stellar project I submitted in sixth grade about the state of Arizona – copied verbatim from the World Book Encyclopedia. Of course, I changed a few words here and there to “make the work my own.” As statistics show as many as 95% of high school students report cheating, reflect on your own transgressions. Yes, we want our students to be better than us. And yet.

In my experience, students almost never frame their cheating morally. They justify their actions as they admit that they maybe didn’t follow the letter of the law. One student, who broke into a professor’s office and stole an exam said he was justified because of the pressure his parents had put on him to succeed. (If in doubt, it’s always the parent’s fault!) Whether you’re currently dealing with cheating consequences of a student or are having proactive conversations with them, it’s important to understand the nuanced world and students’ reasoning.

1. It was because I was too busy.
This is one of the most common reasons students present, when pressed. It is a way to shift blame onto circumstances and is a convenient catch-all that the ends justify the means. Students often grouse, not incorrectly, that professors think their classes are the only ones/best ones/most important ones and that they pile on the work. When you add as many as four or five classes together, work, internships, activities, social life, and napping – that can create a time crunch and lots of stress. The pressure can be tremendous and the stakes (grades, graduate school, careers) are high. Most students who cheat are taking shortcuts and don’t view those as wrong as much as ways to survive.

2. It was sloppy scholarship or not technically cheating.
Speaking of shortcuts… Students often cite their intentions versus their actions to make their violations defensible. This may fall under the “I-didn’t-know” umbrella. They may write notes in their book for an open-book test, might paraphrase pieces they have read online, or ask a student from another section of the course to tell them was on the test. In many of these instances, students will blame the instructors: “They knew we would have notes.” “Of course we will paraphrase – they do it all the time.” “If they don’t want us to ask other people about the tests make them different for each section.” It is not uncommon for social organizations to keep past exams on file. Again, students will blame the professors for laziness in not changing their curricula or tests. The truth is: They don’t see themselves as cheaters as much as being resourceful.

3. Everyone is doing it.
This is how Tour de France participants justified doping. It created an unfair advantage so cyclists could cheat and compete OR ride in obscurity in the back of the pack. Closer to home, if you have ever exceeded the speed limit, you have been in the position of going with the flow of traffic. The traffic cop will tell you that you ARE the flow of traffic. But we justify our speeding (in a hurry), take our chances, and complain about the ticket and fine. So, students will cite both – others had a competitive edge AND it was a risk worth taking.

What to do
For parents, understand that students, despite our best parenting efforts, are not always bound by morals and integrity. Their moral relativism is set by social norms, tremendous pressure, and access to technological resources that make it easy to bend the rules. They follow, sort of, the spirit of the law more than the letter of it. Acknowledging these issues is a gateway to conversation and shouldn’t be avoided. Only then can issues of integrity, the greater good, and responsibility for one’s own actions be explored for the future.

More practically, it is always a good idea to familiarize yourself with policies before there is an issue. This can help frame the topic so students understand that institutions, in this area, will likely enforce the letter of the policy. Additionally, becoming aware of policies and procedures following an accusation of cheating can be important in helping a student prepare a response to allegations. Often, honor codes are student run, and perhaps not as tightly administered as those managed administratively.

Our students will become tomorrow’s moral leaders as parents, bosses, leaders, and politicians. Learning these important lessons of character now is often part of the process. It is called student development. To get from here to there sometimes takes hard lessons, coaching, and acceptance of consequences. It is through mistakes that people often grow the most.