PARENT SHORT: Why YOU should share your pronouns

I was a little slow to the whole pronoun thing. As a college administrator I saw the listing of pronouns when the practice emerged, and didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon, because, well, that is my general nature. But once I figured it out, I was a bit ashamed that I ever hesitated.

Using pronouns is really important to non-binary people, especially students. As a dad, I saw this playing out among my daughter and her friends. When I asked a friend of hers what their pronouns were, I apparently really scored some points. Of course, I relinquished them days later when I asked my daughter if she was wearing a bra in front of that same friend. Baby steps.

If you are cisgender (expression of your gender identity matches your biology) you may wonder why you should jump into these waters. Like me, you may think that this is not a practice necessary for your generation. Consider this:

1. It shows great respect for those who are non-binary. Using your pronouns says that you understand that this matters, and that you support those for whom this matters a lot to. It is a way to tell people they are seen, and not judged. It is an expression of ally-ship and says “yeah, I get that this matters.” You don’t need to be Black to march for Black Lives Matter. But in doing so, your intentional participation shows you are engaged. Same with pronoun usage.

2. By using your gender tags (in email signatures, Zoom labels, etc.) you are helping to normalize this practice. Normalizing may seem like a clunky term here (who is to say what is normal?), but it is critical. If only LGBTQ people are using their pronouns, they are conspicuous by simply doing so. If everyone uses pronouns, then it becomes routine and shows that all identities.

3. It doesn’t reflect that you have arrived, nor that you are doing all that you can to be a positive ally. But it does show that you are tuned in, and willing to learn and be open. What a simple and easy step on your journey to being cognizant of identity. And by using your pronouns it helps you stay attuned to others in an ongoing way.

As a parent, recognizing the identity of your child and their friends is an important way to embrace everything about them. It opens up conversations for them to share about themselves and their relationships, joys, and struggles. It is not their job to educate you, so you need not quiz them about their identities. But it opens the door to complete and meaningful relationships. Where is someone from? What is their major? What do their folks do? Those are the easy facts. How do they live their lives and see themselves? That is who they are. Show them it matters enough to you to stand beside them. Use your pronouns.

PARENT SHORT: Pride
June 7, 2022

When I met my wife, who was from Boston, I told her I was from Wisconsin. It eventually came out that she while had heard of it, she didn’t know exactly where it was. “Wisconsin, Wyoming, Iowa – I don’t know,” she said. “I just know they are over there somewhere.” I am not sure how Iowa got lumped in there. I am obviously over this slight some 35 years later. For those of us in fly over states, we are used to it. But we want validation (in any form, not just geographically) from New Yorkers, Texans, and Californians. (It doesn’t help for me that one of my love languages is affirmation.) 

Keep this in mind as we celebrate Pride Month. While you may not know everything about gender identity and fluidity, it matters a lot to those who don’t identify in the male/female/heterosexual milieu. Affirmation matters a lot – especially for something so personal as identity.

To many college students, now more than ever, being able to identify, express, and live their identities is really important. As a former Dean of Students, I knew students whose families kicked them out of the house for being gay or transgender. That is heartbreaking on so many levels.

Maybe your student is biologically gay or lesbian, or is questioning and exploring their identity. If you don’t like it – ask yourself why it bothers you.

I think it used to be that parents knew that being gay would mean a life that would result in resistance, ridicule, and discrimination for their kids. Today, that is less the case (though still an issue), especially with Generation Z – a very open-minded and accepting group for the most part. (Except when they say “okay, boomer.”)

If you simply don’t understand a lot about gender identity, there are so many ways to educate yourself. There are great online resources about sex, gender, and identity. It is evolving all the time, too. This generation is standing up for itself and expects you to be somewhat knowledgeable -- and at least willing -- to learn about things like pronouns and language. They certainly don’t feel it is their job to educate you. So do it yourself. And if you get a chance, go to a PRIDE parade and see what it is all about. This is part of being an ally. I have been to several, and it is really joyful and uplifting.

So, happy PRIDE month parents! If you have a LGBTQ child, then I hope you are PROUD of them. If you don’t, the world needs educated, supportive, and enthusiastic allies from all generations and backgrounds. Proactively embrace this important role. We ALL want affirmation, whether for where we are from, what we do, for our beliefs, and most importantly, for who we are.

Sleepwalking through College
June 28, 2022

Is your student a sleepwalker? Decent grades? Check. No major injuries? Check. An occasional call or text once in a while that isn’t a request for money? Okay, don’t get greedy.

Whether internal or from outside sources, students are under to intense pressure to succeed and excel. What is more, they have inherited -- and have to cope with -- serious issues related to social justice, politics, the environment, and global health. In many cases, pushing young people to succeed, especially if they have anxiety, can create debilitating stress.

And yet... I don’t have to tell you how much higher education costs. Whether you are a full-payer or your student is getting a full-ride (more likely, something in between) someone is paying a lot for this experience. So yes, it is normal to want your students to get the absolute most from their college years. Whatever you expect in terms of their grades and other measures of success, make sure they have realistic goals for themselves. Having a happy, well-adjusted student is success enough.

After decades of working with students, I have seen what generally makes for student success, which often means thriving, rather than just surviving: The most successful students aren’t sleepwalking through their experience.

What do you expect of your student, and how will you measure whether or not they have been successful? Let’s start with grades. Many instructors are not as focused on grades as their students (and parents) are. They want students to learn for learning’s sake. Still, grades are a way to demonstrate that students have mastered material (or not). As a parent, seeing your student on the Dean’s List may be gratifying and worthy of the annual family holiday letter.

But unless exceptional grades are necessary for getting into post-graduate education, consider how much they really matter. After the first job, few people care. And, consider how many hours students are spending to get from grade B to grade A and whether it’s worth it. Dialing back the pressure may be doing your student a favor. Over- and under-achieving are the extremes with grades. Most students fall between the two, or vacillate.

The sleepwalker, however, is generally getting okay (or just below) grades: Good enough to pass and avoid academic probation and suspension, but that is about it. Such grades are often a reflection of minimal effort, which is to say, they are doing enough to get by. They are likely not learning as much as they could, however, and that is a shame. Ideally, your student is doing well enough, not just based on grades, but based on getting something from all of their classes – even the required ones!

The sleepwalker likes to have fun. Don’t we all? And there is a lot of fun to be had at college. So many fun and new people! Just hanging out is awesome. Ask your student how they define fun. The low bar is focusing on parties and video games. But there are so many other awesome opportunities that a college provides: athletic events, concerts, plays, residence hall events, and civic and cultural events in their new city. Take note, have they been to a residence hall study break? Are they going to the local zoo or have they checked out a farmer’s market?

There’s more beyond grades and social life. The most revealing trait that all successful students often have is intentionality. And here’s the thing: Intentionality is a choice. Rarely will you hear someone say, “well, I would do that, but I come from a family of unintentional people.” Put the concept of purposefulness and the word intentionality in your arsenal when you are talking about how your student is doing. You can apply that concept to everything.

What about activities? Some of the most successful students I know were involved with something on campus. They joined, sampled, and chose something to dive into. Doing a lot will often spread students too thin. After they find their passion, hopefully your student will focus their energy on one or two things. Finding a niche and excelling is a great way to be successful. Students can learn so much from membership and ultimately leadership in activities. Is your kid missing these opportunities?

Campus administrators from Career Services, Study Abroad, Academic Success, and Counseling bemoan the lack of interest in their proactive programs to guide students toward success. Check out the offerings at your kid’s school and maybe suggest the internship or resume workshop you read about. Most successful students get themselves plugged into these opportunities.

If you are the parent of an athlete, you know your student has their organized activity built into their schedules. For these students, urge them to attend various events and programs that offer minimal commitments of time and energy. This is an effective way to take advantage of their opportunities. I always loved seeing athletes at plays or choir members at sporting events.

Successful students understand that social justice and learning outside the classroom are key elements of their college experiences. Attending lectures and debates, protesting, and learning of the experiences of others are great and free experiences. Racial, religious, and cultural programs help students learn beyond their comfort zones.

Successful students make a decision to open their minds and hearts and learn about others. Some of the best educators on a college campus are the other students. Successful students often give something back. Whether they serve in student government, or as a tour guide on campus, or they participate in volunteering in the community. They see that there are others in the world who need help. 

Ask your student if they have considered study abroad or an internship. Could they apply for an on- or off-campus job? Students rarely accidentally go to religious services or the fitness center. It is just part of their routine. Same with generally eating healthy. Intentional choices are there at every turn on a college campus. (It is really too bad that parents aren’t the ones going to college. Parents would very intentionally take advantage of everything!)

You don’t want to burden your student with unrealistic expectations, nor do you want to check out. Being successful in college isn’t a clean or linear process. Some of the best learning will come from failure, mistakes, and safe risks. Consider this a success. Mostly though, if you want your student to get the most of their collegiate experience, talk to them about how they intend to spend their time (or how they do spend their time if they are continuing students), and what they do across this array of areas. You get to be intentional too!

A great indicator of how they will be as post-graduates, family members, professionals, community members, and active, happy, and engaged adults, is how they engage in college. They are learning a lot both in and out of the classroom. And they are developing muscle memory for lives well-lived.